Fixer Upper | Week 3 | Message

Yeah. And and and that's why parenting is so complicated, especially in this day and age. Amen? Yeah. It's I love that because if if if she found it again, you know, on social media. But it's funny because that's really making fun

of how many videos and how many hacks and how many TikToks and how many, like, parenting tips on, here's the perfect parent playbook.

And and it's always changing. And and it's it's so what are we supposed to do? And that puts a lot of pressure on you as a parent, especially you would have you said you found that because you said, I'm so glad this didn't exist. Yeah. When our kids were younger because that would have made it even worse the way you I

I feel for parents today. It's it's so I can't imagine. Parenting is hard,

and and I am thankful that I didn't raise my kids under the pressure of social media and all the the voices and the opinions and everyone's an expert and the expectations. Like, everything is always changing, and I always felt like like the grandma. Like, I was always behind, like, oh, we don't we're not doing that anymore. I I didn't know so. I it was hard. It was hard and I think I just remember eventually just getting to this point. I I was sending my kids off to school one day and I was like,

just at the door like took a deep breath and I'm looking at them like okay. They they're wearing shoes. They they have their backpack,

and I'm fairly certain they have underwear. So I think and there was a kid. It was a legit concern. So I call that a win. I call that a win. Yeah. And that's kinda what it's like. Sometimes parenting's hard. Sometimes it hey. I got them all to school on time He did it. With underwear maybe,

and that's a win. Most likely. And and that's kind of what we wanna talk about today is is where we're a little bit nervous on this one. This is the hardest one to to kinda prepare because because we don't have the perfect answers.

And sometimes what you call a win doesn't look as pretty as you want it to be. Yeah. Because the reality is when it comes to parenting, there is no perfect playbook to get a perfect child. And and and the truth is the big idea we wanna unpackage is parenting is about developing the player, not perfecting the playbook.

And you get it. I'm using sports here, so dads will pay attention.

And and even the outline is sports related because it's really you gotta think like a coach. You gotta think like, hey. And you gotta think what we're doing. There's no perfect play. My son even said this. He he actually he was just talking to me yesterday. He goes, he's convinced if the Cardinals let him be the general manager, they'd win a Super Bowl the next two seasons.

And one of things he gets mad at is he goes, so many NFL teams, they take talented players and force them into their system and coaches into their playbook,

and then it doesn't work. He's like, why don't you center a playbook around the the the the player's strengths and because you're still trying to meet this goal of winning games and getting to victory. Right? So and he's right. And a lot of times as we do as parents, we learn all these videos. I'm gonna do this hack. I'm gonna do that hack. And you're worried about your playbook.

You need to just focus on the player and on the actual goal of what we're supposed to be doing as parents. Just like marriage, there is a goal that God has given us. This is the ultimate goal of parenting. And and the reality is that ultimate goal is we are making a disciple. That's what our goal should be as parents.

That should be goal number one.

Everything else we gotta do, hey, you know, I gotta you know, I wanna be responsible. I want them to get a good job. I want them to get educated. I want them to live to adulthood. Those are all strategies as a part of what we're doing. But the goal is for them to be like Jesus.

And a matter of fact, says this in Ephesians where we've I'm just gonna read one verse out of chapter six. We're at this part now. It's been applying all this as what does it mean to be a follower Christ? What does it mean to be a part of this church? What does it mean to have this new identity found in the love of Jesus for what he's done for us? And now it's applying it to our relationships.

And it says in verse four of chapter six, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather bring them up with discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.

And and and so what he's saying there's learning a lot in that one verse. Now first of like, he doesn't say mother, so we're off the hook. No. Remember what we talked about in in the the marriage part where it said, man, it talked about the way we submit to our wives is by being a leader. But leader biblically means you go first.

Leadership, when it calls the man leader, is about responsibility. It's not about authority. So of course, it's gonna emphasize the father here. Take the responsibility of making sure we disciple our kids,

that we raise them up to to be like Jesus. And all those other things that we call success and wins, yes, there are these things we gotta show them and help them to know and do all that. But don't miss the goal by going after the strategy.

And that's that that goal. And he says, how do you do that? Discipline and instruction. So it means that we we have to coach them up, and and it's gotta be there's this goal that we're supposed to pour into them.

And in doing that, that we play three roles then in doing that in raising our kids. We're just gonna be basic about this. There's three roles that come out of that verse and some other passage stuff that that what it's really saying we must do and like to keep the sports illustration, we need to be the groundskeeper,

the referee, and the coach. That's what we do as parents. We are a groundskeeper, a referee, and a coach. We're always a coach. But and coaching is the thing that if we do it right when they're younger, when they become adult, the only thing you got left is a coach.

And then that's what you get to keep that job the rest of your life.

If if if if if you do it well and you still have a relationship with your kids by then. And and so what do we mean by this? First, the groundskeeper. From a biblical point of view, that means what he's saying there in the instruction of the Lord, the word of God. He's saying, basically, you lay the foundation

and the boundaries for life. You lay out the you show them and teach them what is life all about. Not just how to do these pieces of life, what is it all about? And and so this the idea of the the foundation of the boundaries and and what that looks like. Because boundaries actually give freedom.

Sometimes we think boundaries are bad, but boundaries give freedom. Right? And and No. I I I this is such a powerful first point to me just laying that foundation and keeping those boundaries and I think as believers

we're raising our kids. This is our You're putting the bible not me. To the bible. Yeah. I am the foundation.

I'm sorry. Bible for sure. So you raised four kids? I did. I raised four children. The three we have then. That's why it was so hard. Just I'm just Back to the groundskeepers. Yeah. Foundation

or it's this is this is our guidebook. This has this has everything in it. And so I I'm we're just coming from a place of we want to encourage you. We look back on things and it was hard and it was difficult and we did not we got so many things not right, but but by the grace of God we have these amazing kids now and

I I just we gotta be in the word. We got to be in the word, we got to know it, we got to know the boundaries for our self, for our kids, and I would just say I want to add to it like,

live out your faith in front of your kids, every aspect of it. Be let them see you, of course, let them see you, in the word, praying, studying, reading, just just spending that time with the Lord, but even beyond that, really working out your faith

every day. So so the struggles, the going before the Lord and and bringing the concerns to him,

let them see that because that will teach them that they can go before the Lord. That teaches them that they have a God in heaven who loves them and cares about them, and wants to help guide them into these difficult things. The things that are are fearful or whatever it is. And then I want probably one of the biggest things that I wish I really understood.

I mean, I'm a believer, love the Lord, but I I don't think I dove into this as as well as I wish I I could have, and I realized this later is understanding the gospel, the power of the gospel, the truth of the gospel, the love of the gospel, all of that is just as much for them as it is for us.

And I think like I'm thinking of it and living that out daily like like also seeing them you know between between spouses you know confessing, apologizing, repenting, offering forgiveness, offering grace. Let them see between you and your kid, ask forgiveness from your kid. That was I know that seems weird or uncomfortable,

but can you imagine if you went to your kid and just said, hey I I am sorry. You forgive me? I acted out in frustration and I just acted and the things that I said that wasn't appropriate and it's okay to be frustrated, but it's not okay to respond or react and treat somebody disrespectfully because I was frustrated.

And you say that to your kid and they can say they can begin to see and understand when we're telling them you can't treat your brother like that or whatever, they remember like, oh, this is how we do it. That's the power of the gospel. That's the that's the living out your faith every day. And and I just

I think about that. Instead of like when I go to my kids and say, I'm sorry your mom acted frustrated. Oh my gosh. Whatever. I'm supposed to This is my last time appearing is just like gonna get get all the things in.

Yeah. The groundskeep laying the foundation is you do put down some rules, some boundaries with that with kids, and but what we're really saying is it needs to come from we already know what the boundaries are. We don't design the playing field. Yeah. We're the ones that lay out the the the the we we show them

the the chalk marks of here's inbounds, here's out of bounds, here's how life is to be lived, here's the rules of life, But we gotta take it from here. And what she's saying is is you can't say, here's the rules you play by as you run around out bounds all the time. Because kids learn more by what they see

than what you say.

And that's kind of the hard thing. We gotta remember that. I gotta remember that. Most of the times, my kids when I sometimes I get so frustrated at the most times. Like that pastor says, don't provoke your kids to anger. That meant don't poke them with a stick. Don't just. It's really describing this. Don't say here's the rules, but I don't have to listen, and then you get angry. And and I think it's really talking towards men primarily there too is because we tend to do that. We tend to be passive until we're aggressive.

And like, you gonna do anything? You gotta talk to your kid. Alright. I'll do something alright. And then you go in and you might be actually saying the right thing, have the right plan,

you have the right intent, and you're just doing it wrongly. We do it like I I get see, she shared how she parented a lot of times out of in insecurities. Like, don't wanna bring your own insecurities.

And and and one of the things I think I brought into that moment that provoked the kids is I brought into my my inconvenienced by it. Like, man, you're just I might be acting and trying to show them the right path, but I'm only doing it because now you're bothering me.

Now you're wasting my time. Now now this is really getting me upset. Bill's not happy. And they sense that too.

Yeah. They sense like, okay. They don't hear what I'm saying or what I'm trying to point them to. They just like, okay. So what you're saying is if I get on your nerves and bother you and take up your time, then that's that's when you're gonna do something.

And and so we gotta and and and the reality is it comes back to the heart. You coach the player, not the playbook. Kids are different. And then you also have to understand that it's gotta have a relationship. The heart of parenting is in the heart. God's heart to our hearts, to our kids' hearts.

And we have to embrace that. You can run around and read every book you want. Parent wise, all these weird old books and stuff, and all these things, sleeping schedule, not so you could do all that and miss the entire point of what we're supposed to be doing as parents. And and and the reality is out of the the foundation

in that, there are gonna be rules. There's gonna be things. You're gonna say, here's the boundary. You're gonna have to referee that as I'm going into the next point. But what you gotta go into understanding before you even getting into the refereeing and the discipline is understanding that rules without relationship

leads to rebellion.

That's that provoke part. When you make rules and you don't have the right you're hey, you're angry, you just come in at it. And a lot of people like, oh, you gotta parent your kids. You gotta have a boundary. You got and that this is the hard part when I share that because those boundary people that don't have relationship, you're thinking, amen to that. Yeah. You're a brah. You know, like No. You gotta have a relationship with them. You've you gotta get you you you gotta do that because otherwise,

their boundaries isn't a boundary. It's it's it's it's it's like a a noose. You're like you're restricting and they're gonna rebel. So then other people and there's models out there. You watch enough videos out there. There's people like it's this unstructured

parenting. It's like a a modern they give all these new words to say, just be your kid's friend and let them do and figure it out on their own. That that doesn't work either. See, because rules without relationship leads to rebellion. Relationship without rules leads to chaos.

And here's the problem. Rebellion and chaos in a 15 year old looks exactly the same. They do the exact same things. One is pushing against. One is looking for. And and and and so we have to understand that the boundary, what we're trying to say here as being the groundskeeper is, it's the instruction of the Lord.

You have to look at your children as your primary job is to disciple them. Disciple means make follower of Jesus. And the only way you disciple disciples, that word they used to you walked with your

when you were a a rabbi in this day, the bible's talking about discipling. You didn't just teach them and have a class. You lived. You walked together. You learned to act like they saw you. They became like you. And so the truth is every one of us that has kids has discipled our kids.

But what did we disciple them towards? And did we just chase results and success, or did we point them to Jesus by loving them like Jesus? And that's what referees are for. See, when you play a sport, referees are are not trying to be the bad guy. They're trying to make sure the game's played right.

And that's how they discipline. Foul, 10 yards per to learn, don't play that way. It's about redirection. It's not it's about I want you to play right and head the right way instead of playing it wrong and moving backwards. And and so referees then discipline for significance,

not just success. Before we talk about what is discipline itself, like, you broke through, what's the consequence? You gotta do some kind of discipline. You gotta redirect is what it is, but there's even something deeper. Discipline for significance, not just success.

And and and what do we mean by that? Like, you've talked about that, like, what you were worried about with what is success so to speak. Yeah. Well, I think that that is for so long as I look back and I I think about these times, was definitely,

and you said it, chasing results. And that's how I I spent a lot of my time parenting. I was really like you know, being I was the one that was at home raising the kids and like so but I'm just looking at how I did this. I was chasing the results I mean, was at home sometimes. Yeah.

Yes. Like I was a truck driver or something out on the road all the time. I just meant whatever.

I felt like I was alone all the time. That might be it. Yeah. Might be it. We should have saved that. We already we're already past the marriage part. You can't bring that up. No. Just kidding. Go ahead. Sorry. I'll wait wait till later. No.

It was what I mean by chasing results was I was really very reactive towards behavior, and I was I was constantly trying to get my kids to like obey, and it was just disobey, which you know obviously obedience, that's that's good. We want that, but

it it wasn't it was just about it was just it was just this like when they didn't obey or they did what they weren't supposed to do or did something they shouldn't have, whatever, it was this it it became this thing like it it's this cycle of me like trying

to get them to change their behavior. It's like it's like don't sorry but do, don't do. That's what you instead of develop. Develop wasn't it was do, don't do. It was exactly. And not instead of guiding them and directing them, it was this battle of chasing

behavior which constantly led to a frustration. And what I began to realize was the frustration that it brought up in me was whenever they did something, it was a reflection of my bad parenting. And what that then said to me was I was failing, so I was a failure, and I was living out of this the the

I was trying to really like earn God's love, and so if I was failing as a parent, I I was not living from his love, living from his grace, pouring that out into my kids. I was earning his love. And so therefore, I was putting that on my kids and and in a sense almost making them earn my love. So when they obeyed

me, it was their way to tell me they love me. When they weren't obeying, they must not love me, and I must be failing, and it was just this vicious cycle. And and remember last week when we talked about like when we speak, and when we listen in conversation,

listen outside of of your insecurities and your fears and all of that, and I I was not parenting outside of my insecurities and my fears. It was all about me, and it it that's how it showed up. It was just a constant frustration.

And And the same for me, like, the the insecurities. It wasn't insecurity, like I said, it was more like inconvenience. Like, you said it was a reminder of your failed parent. When they would act up, was a reminder that I had kids.

It's kinda sad, but it's kinda true. Some of you relate to me on this. It's more like, why are you not this? But on a deeper level, it wasn't really that. The deeper level was for me, I don't like being disrespected. I respect people. I show respect to people, and I kinda want the same back.

And now I got this little human being disrespecting

my time, disrespect so then I wanted to get them to do it. Then when they'd act up, it wasn't about developing them. It wasn't it was about, you know, do or don't do based on the fact that I said so, and why won't you just listen to me? Mhmm. Stop disrespecting me. And so I was like, you know what I was trying to teach him is you just have to respect dad to do what he says.

Now that might be you ultimately should the the verses I didn't read say, children, obey your parents. Ultimately, that's what you want. But that's not the goal for us as parents. And so when you both act that way, you might get the results. So this is why I mean chase the significance. Discipline for significance,

not success. So what does this mean like a little bit more in actual what do I mean significance

for success in the everyday things we need to actually develop our kids in? For example, first, God, when it comes to discipling. When we act the way we act and we withhold. Like, sometimes when you get angry and discipline your kids and you're frustrated,

what we do, even if we do the right action, give them the right discipline, we even give them a good consequence on, but we do it in a way that says, you're bad.

It's your bad. Not this direction is bad. You're bad. I'm good. And now because you did this, you get this guy. And then you kinda act different in terms. You withhold. You pull back. You know what you're saying? What we're saying when we do that? You need to live for my love and acceptance.

And then ultimately, if you try to and you're a Christian now, you teach them, I got you know what we're ultimately showing? You need to live for God's love because that's what was driving you to act that way. You felt like I have to live for God's love

and and not from it. So now you're teaching the kids by teaching them indirect. We accidentally discipline them towards the wrong thing. When we really need them to understand we live from God's love, and I want you to live from my love. The reason why I'm doing this is because we need you to change direction.

It's not about you being bad. It's about this direction is bad. This direction will get you hurt. This direction is a dead end. This direction is this. And like, well, I do say that. But if you say that in the middle of yelling and just giving some ridiculous consequence because you're frustrated in the moment,

it's not gonna land because they're they're they're they're not gonna hear those words. They're gonna hear the actions and the attitude in it. Mhmm. And and that's what makes it hard. So the another some other simple ones too. It means like grades.

Do you do you teach your kids to chase grades? Do you make the emphasis on school grades or learning? My mom did something fantastic that I loved. She never asked me about a grade. Not once. Did the same thing with my kids. Well, my son, I had to say, you are passing. Right? I just wanted to make sure he wasn't failing.

But the others, didn't they all got grades by you know, the great grades. I was in the top 1% of my graduating class. Never got asked about a grade. But what she did do was it was every day when I came home from the first time I started school, she'd give me a snack. We'd sit down and she knew I had to answer one question. Hey. What's one thing I know now because I went to school that I didn't know yesterday, and why?

And I got excited about that. Because what she understood was school is not about grades. See, when you say it's about grades, that's about success. And that's about getting to college. That's about getting a better job. That's those are the success is not the enemy of discipleship and discipline,

but it can be a distraction. School is to teach you how to learn. And and and that's why when that's that gave me a good answer. When kids like, this assignment's dumb. I go, it's not about the assignment.

It's about the discipline of learning how to learn and explore this. And and you're gonna want that skill because you when we're adults, most people if you made about grades, so many people stop learning the second they're out of school.

See, think about it that way. The other thing is is is playing sports. We have twisted that, And and and sports was invented. Youth sports was invented to teach teamwork, hard work, physical benefits of of moving your body, and how to handle different personalities and work towards a a bigger self committed goal.

Achieve a goal that's us together. But when you make it about winning, you make it this like that's where everyone gets

you don't make it about any winning at all. Just make it about everyone gets a participation trophy and all that. That's not good either because it just teaches you're not teaching. Because sometimes you need to learn about the disappointment of defeat that you tried hard and you didn't make it, and then what are you gonna do next?

But we distort it when we make it just about winning or just about this or just about whatever it is. And and and and we need a discipline towards the significance of it because we're accidentally teaching our kid. That's not the godly way.

And then and then the other one was the one that I learned the hard way was, like, money getting a job.

Do you do we want our kids when they're teenagers to get a job to actually learn to be responsible stewards of money and learn how to see how God sees it and manage it well? Or are we just say, go get a job so you can buy your own stuff that you want?

And and and I kinda failed that way. I was like, thought it was my son. He was like, he wanted to get a job, and I'm just glad because he liked to get stuff. And I'm like, just go to get it. He he rode. He I didn't I I never checked it up, but he talked himself into McDonald's,

gave him a job a year earlier than you're supposed to get a job. He was a huge kid. They just believed he was the age. And I go, I guess they changed the rules. I never bothered checking. So he started working a year younger than you should because you want a job. And I was okay with it because I think, I wanna buy this. I wanna buy that. I wanna get this. I wanna get Get a job. You know? And he went and got a job. So most of us, we think that's responsible. It was. He went and got a job. But then I didn't teach him. I didn't say, hey. You gotta be save some. Give to the Lord. Honor God. Be a good steward, manage money so you can manage a house when you get older, and you can learn how to live properly and not get into debt, and don't do this. No. I just said, go buy your own stuff. And so he just all he taught in his job is earn, spend. Earn, spend. Earn, spend. Do we teach you that? You know the problem, we don't teach our kids that because what do most of us do? Earn, spend, earn, spend.

That's significance. Discipline towards the deeper meaning behind these things. And when you do it, remember, this is the whole point. Discipline's about direction. Discipline is really about discipleship, not punishment.

So in other words, biblical discipline, Hebrews 12 talks about it when he compares God's how he disciplines us. It's really to redirect us. And it talks about he's still there. He still loves you. He's still close, but he'll remove his blessing, meaning he'll let the consequences happen in your life to get your attention to redirect you.

But it says he loves you. And then he says, and earthly parents did the same thing, a good earthly parent. So it says we're supposed to discipline, do the same thing God's doing. But I love how it's encouraging. It says, they did the best they could.

It's like even the bible says he gets it. We're never gonna be as good of a parent as as as as God. And remember, God's a perfect parent and he had a lot of messed up children. And we can't even be a perfect parent. So that takes a little pressure off of us. But just remember that discipline is about the future.

Punishment's about the past. Think about how you discipline. Is it more about punishing them for what they did or developing them for where they're supposed to go? You see, punishment is about making them feel bad instead of showing them that this way is not good.

And a lot of times when we punish that way, it's because it makes us feel good in the moment. Not happy, but more like I'm taking control and I will get you to do this. And that's why you know you're falling for the wrong time of discipline when you don't do anything until you do everything. When you get really angry

and then you say the dumbest thing. If you do that one more time, you're going to military school. And you don't even know what military school is, and don't realize how much it costs, and and and and and and they're two years old.

And then they do it again. Now you've set yourself up. I'm gonna show you that I'm a liar and a backpedal. And all you gotta do is stand your ground and mom and dad will back down.

Because that's like, if you do that one more time, I'm gonna nuke your country. Oh, they did it again. Well, okay. We probably shouldn't blow up the world. Maybe we shouldn't do this.

It's it's it's kinda like you that's when you know you're doing it because you realize it's about discipline. And and you know, I get it. There's times that can be frustrating. And then there's times that you gotta deal with that with two people. We're both deals like, how do we do this together sometimes? You know, it's like it's like hard because you can have a very different response to very goofy things. For example, I got this we got this email from my son when he was a freshman in high school from one of his teachers. I'm writing a quick email to discuss Jaden's behavior during ASP. Ask that's that's study hall.

I caught him placing a phone call to order pizzas when he was supposed to be working quietly on work. See, that goes back to I didn't teach him what to do with his money. He had a job. He's like, I'm hungry. I can order pizzas. My dad said, a job. I can get well, I could spend on what I want. It says, please have a conversation with him. So here's the thing. Not only is that something we do have to deal with, but we have to deal with it through our lens of how we see things too because she freaked out because it was like, that makes us look like bad parents. Like, oh my gosh. That teacher must think we're the worst parents in the world. And then but yet she had to look at me and says, hey. You talk to the teacher because I don't want to. But you can't laugh when you talk to the teacher.

She knew me. I'm like, I'm not really worried about that. I think that shows initiative.

But we we gotta understand we have these moments that that are that are difficult and and and how how you how you do it. Like for for example, well, you had some things to say about this first. About the sports? No. Just just about being the referee, discipline for significant for success. Just, yeah, just

just guiding them. Taking that that the purposely and intentionally guiding them and and just it was really more about not reacting Yeah. Don't react. And guiding them towards that

this the the purpose of it and using those opportunities. Because they're gonna come up and they're gonna do it multiple times or whatever and just Mhmm. Just guiding it. Continue to guide towards because both of us, even though we're wired different, the things that

we let our insecurities and our past and all this stuff go in like trying to live vicariously through your kids and all that. Yeah. When you discipline out of that, you are just reacting.

Yeah. We just react in in that. And I and I think the ones we react to the most, if we're really honest, I know this is with me, the times I the most aggressively provoke my kid and react is when I'm looking in a mirror. For sure. When your kid does the thing you don't like about yourself the most,

you're gonna react harder. Yeah. You know why? Because you're like, I hate that about myself. I'm gonna beat this out of this kid. I am not gonna and and it's coming from a good place. I don't want them to think that way about themselves,

but it's like this weird self fulfilling prophecy because it doesn't work to react that way. And and and and it's that's why it's okay to sit there when when some kid's done something and not just immediately react. Say, you know what? If you're really disciplining for significance,

you really want them to change their direction and not feel that they're a bad person. You don't just yell and get mad and get frustrated and just go to the worst possible scenario. You say, listen. I just need you to understand that this direction is gonna be terrible for you.

When they're little, what that means is you literally redirect them. Mhmm. You don't talk to a two year old. You pick them up and you move them away. You know that's but that's what we're trying to do with our words when they're older. You're trying to get them to redirect.

So so when you get in that moment, do you know one of the best things you knew in that moment that helps them reflect on what they did and think about it rather than be a bad person is you say, and so what what's gonna happen? You know what? The best thing you do sometimes, we're delaying sentencing. We're not sentencing you right now. It's like in a court case. We're gonna sentence you. The court's gonna get together. We're gonna go through it, and we're gonna come back with your sentence tomorrow.

You know what they're probably gonna think about all night?

Oh my gosh. What what what's gonna be the consequence for this? What's gonna happen? What are they gonna say? And you know what the coolest thing is? Sometimes this is a perfect time to show them the grace of God. You can come back and say, you know what? Like the pizza, what I did is I talked to him and said, something what's going on? And then I came back the next day and I said, we're gonna think about it and go, listen.

There's this thing called grace in the Bible, and I think you realized what you did. But there was more to the story, and I said, so we're good to go. I didn't take any of that. I said this is grace at this moment. You're gonna think more clearly about how you redirect if you just take a moment.

And and and honestly Well, you're not always over if you're not always reacting, you have that clarity to Yeah. Well, let me let me give you a more example here that we we got because it shows how I think we what I'm trying to say is sometimes you you'll get it mostly right sometimes.

And here's an example. Like, I wrote because we had a stressful time getting ready for this this this sermon. And so I got up and I and I texted my kids. I and I meant I didn't mean to use it in the sermon. I meant to encourage Carrie.

And and and I said, hey. Can you give me a few encouraging things that maybe your mom and then and then and then we did as parents that maybe you didn't like at the moment, but now that you're adults, and especially my two oldest that have kids, and now that you're a parent,

that you're thinking back and that was actually helpful. And you can even share something that was tough for you that you still maybe you thought it was a rough moment as well, but and and it could be tough. But yeah. I just asked that way. And well, of course, my two two youngest didn't answer forever.

And my my first child, the firstborn, answered right away because they're the good one. They're the ones that trick you into being fruitful and multiplying. And and and and, like, if you had your second kid first, they'd probably be an only child. But sometimes

I mean, don't know if that's you. That's our story, and we're sticking to it. No. They're all wonderful. Love them. They they even joke about their birth order. But but so my oldest does respond, but it was the most vague. Like, it was weird. I I didn't even from what I asked, it was weird. And I wanna read it because you coach the player, not the playbook. I've told you stories. My oldest, if I tell a story and even if I impel it or say it a little bit different words, she gets mad at me. So

her words. All I got for her was this. She goes, when I told you guys I was going to see One Direction when I was 15 in Phoenix. It gets worse. But we didn't have tickets, but we wanted to try and see them, and you guys thought I was joking. And when you found out I was there,

you made me come home, and then my friends actually got backstage because of Alex, her friend. She's actually married to one of our other pastors today. Alex pretended to pass out and went into the medical tent, and then they saw One Direction doing an interview backstage,

and I missed it, and I cried all night, and I'm still mad about it. That's the text we I got. I'm like, wait. I asked for encouraging and with maybe a tough thing. This doesn't sound this sounds like you should be telling this to your counselor, not to me.

So I write her back. I go, wait. Wait. I'm confused. So are you saying in reflection this is a good parenting thing? It's just still tough and you're teenager, but you still are disappointed that you missed that moment? What are you saying? And she wrote back, sorry.

I mean, it makes sense that it was probably good parenting because you didn't want your 15 year old at Phoenix, but I'm still mad about it because all my friends made it home safely and saw one direction. Now she added a at the end. So then I go, no. No. No. Seriously. Think about that with your two boys.

Literally from the parents' point of view. What do you think about it?

And then she wrote back, yeah. It makes more sense now with kids. It was funny though because I told you guys what I was doing and I guess you didn't believe me. And when you asked where I was and I was like, I'm in Phoenix trying to meet Harry Styles. Like I already told you this. And then you still made me come home.

Guess like she's still mad about missing out on seeing Harry Styles. But but what's so funny is I shared that with you and you were like, wait, what? Well, yeah. She conveniently forgot that she also didn't do her chores

and we told her like she couldn't go anywhere without doing her chores. And that's why we went to look and get, hey, this chores not done. Wait. Where is she? We're looking around and we find my phone. Think that was existed by then or something. Somehow we found out Yeah. She's in I'm like, what?

How did our kid end up she's the good one. And yet she forgets that part and she's still a little bitter. And I think part of her still being a little bitter is going back like you said, you wanted to talk to young Carrie. Yeah. And and I just going back, I think we we missed a

teachable moment because that's really what coaching is. See, this transition to the last role is coaching. See, through all of this, the boundaries, you coach to the boundaries, you referee, and you're you're you're being a coach in all of this. You're trying to coach. You're refereeing as a coach to the boundaries.

You're you're trying to coach the player, and you're and coaching ultimately as a parent mentoring is look for teachable moments. Good teachable moments and tough teachable moments. And what was sad is when she said she was mad that we made her come home is I made her get one of her friends to drive her home.

I would do that different now. I would go get her. And you're thinking, well, why not? That she got herself into the mess. She should get herself out. That's part of the that's part of the lesson learned.

Well, that's what I told myself in the moment, but I know that's not really what I was doing. I was like, I don't wanna drive to Phoenix. This is so inconvenient to me right now. I'll turn it into a parenting principle. And you know what? One of your friends got you there. One of your friends can get you home.

See, I'm making her earn. It's like, that's not the discipline. That's me being like angered and not wanting to go. And if we had drove because because we could have brought her back and we could have had a teachable moment.

We could have talked about it, and she might not be still saying, I'm still mad about it. I I don't know. She probably still is because Harry Styles and all, which I don't get, but hey, to each his own. And

and so in in that thing, that's what coaching is. Coaching is is is we need to guide and encourage them for life to be like Jesus, to to look at the whole the whole context.

And what you learn in that moment, like that coaching moment we missed is because it's very individual in how we coach. And that the drive home with her probably would have been a good coaching moment. Right? Yeah. No. I that is one of the biggest things I think when you at this next point in coaching is you do you you have to know your kids. You can have the same goal, the same desire, the same purpose to point them to Jesus and and teach them, guide them. But you do gotta each kid is so different.

You know, it's crazy when they come from the same people how different they are. We we learned that. I learned that, and I had to be really intentional about this, and just to kind of give you some example with with our oldest, what I realized with her, she she was very easy. She was she was a a great kid, super fun.

With her, every anything that came up, we really just had to talk it through. Just the clarity helped her. It helped ease her mind on things. We talked about it. That was great. The complete opposite was true with my son. Middle child, I just everything with him was he we called him the contrarian.

Like anything you said to him he was like, no, that's not true. I mean like we would literally say, oh my gosh, what a pretty day. The sky's so blue. The sky's not blue. We're like, my, that's okay.

You know, we were playing a game and and I was like, bud, that's this is awesome. Look at you. You're winning. You got the most points. I'm not winning. Like, do you he just had to argue and I just I have no idea where you got that from. Yeah. That I yeah. You think I would have figured that out. But

and this came to to a head at this point where I just remember taking him shopping was pure torture. It was it was it was just hell. It was so bad. I hated it. The We had to choose between going to Guantanamo, being any water boarded, or taking him shopping. She would have said, I'll go to Guantanamo.

You take him shopping for clothes. It so bad. And he just he was growing. He's such a big kid. Was growing so fast and it was just like a constant thing. Finally, I'm like, what am I doing? I'm not gonna take him shopping. I'm gonna buy him clothes. So I buy him clothes

and I the you know, the first time I did this I grabbed him a bunch of stuff, all the cool things he likes, and I threw him on his bed and he comes home from school and I'm like, hey bud, I just got you go take a look, I got you some stuff, you know, let me know what you think, and he immediately was just like,

and he goes in there and he's like this shirt is stupid. I hate it. Why would you buy this? I'm never wearing it and it's so dumb these shorts everything and I was just like oh my gosh. So I just pick him up, put him in my room like you're not getting new clothes ever. But but he

what I just what I realized I was like, wait a minute. I think think he's gotta figure some stuff out on his own. So just throughout the next couple months, I would just like fold up a shirt, pair of shorts every every couple days or whatever and like just put them in his drawer. And he was so

funny. He'd come out and he'd be like, look at this new shirt. Look at this shirt I found. It's my favorite shirt. I I don't know how I I missed it in my drawer before but it's so cool.

So wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. So what you're saying is one of the best tools we have in the coaching toolbox is deception. You

know what? When it comes to the clothes, sometimes you just do what you got to do. But yeah, so so that's kind of what we learned with him. And then my our youngest daughter is she's so funny. She is she's very feeling, deep feeling, very emotional.

She has a flair for the dramatics and so she would be like going I wonder where she got that she got that from. She you know anything that she was going through she would just come out and it was such an ordeal and everything was so dramatic and yeah, just like, my hair is so bad. Why am I so ugly?

Everybody hates me. This homework is so I I did a terrible job on this project. It's so bad. And like as a parent, was like, oh my gosh. Like, I don't want her to think so bad about and I I was just like, honey, no. Like, you're God love you are amazing. You're gifted. You're beautiful.

You're so smart and like the more I said this like the more angry that she got at me. I was so confused and finally I was like you know what I'm just gonna agree with her. So I'm not gonna take this abuse. So she would come out and she'd be like I'm so ugly and I was like I know.

I'm I'm sorry, honey. I it's a shame you're so ugly, honey. You look like your dad. It's not the clothes, it's you.

You're I'm sorry. You're so dumb. It's gonna be a struggle. I'm really apparently apparently, the I don't know. The first time I did that, I don't remember, but she was telling us, she was like, you really took it to the extreme. And she goes, you were like, I'm I'm sorry. And yeah, you're probably gonna fail.

You're gonna fail out of school and you're gonna end up on the streets and then you're just gonna die homeless.

I don't I don't remember that. But anyway, here's the point. There was a point. Wasn't just to I my it just sort of helped. It it became a game and now now we kind of joke about it and we'll do this, but but she she I just it made her realize the ridiculousness a bit of what it it took the power away of the words

and those thoughts, and it just kinda brought it to the surface and she realized the ridiculousness of it. And I don't know. You know, you just you just kinda work those things out. But And that story there was what she finally responded and said, here's what I appreciated about your parenting.

Because I loved it how mom would just reflect back to me. Because I was trying to battle what I thought was being very logical in my brain but wasn't, and she just said what I was really thinking out loud to the extreme. She's like, that's ridiculous. She actually says she does it to herself now sometimes,

and and and and it works. And so see, Carrie's an incredible example of she figured out you coach the player, not just the playbook.

You have to approach things very different, but you gotta have the relationship. You gotta be after the heart. The heart of parenting starts in the heart, and you gotta know what the goal is. And the goal is disciple your kids, but you can't make a disciple if you're not one.

And I think that's the biggest struggle we have in in church with Christian parents raising their kids, is you can't just tell them to do something that you're not showing them, that you're not doing, that you're not participating

in. You can't. They they gotta see it and experience it, and then they can be a part of it. And that's really what kinda brings it all back together because as as we were I'm honest. We we we the the way I wanna close like last week, this has been very hard for Carrie

and and us to get up here. Once we're up here, she loves it. She doesn't get nervous up here. She likes she's a rock star, and she she just does a great job up here. And yeah. Yes. Oh. Thank her. This is her last her last week. Her struggle is not being here. It's getting here. Because

it's a difficult process to prepare to what to talk about. To to just like to talk it through because the way her brain's wired. And then she has to do it with me. And then we're like doing this together. But

then what's happened recently, coming in this week, this is her most insecure topic. Hey, we're not gonna tell we're gonna talk about how we can do the dances. How we screwed up our kids. It's more of the big picture, and I can't give you an answer for every scenario. You gotta know your kids. You gotta coach them

with with this understanding, and and it's more art than science. And so we were stressed about that. Then and then her life has been really kinda stressed. She's been really busy, and she gets to this. She's that type of person when you finally hit this overload,

you're like one of those Olympic runners in the marathon when they do the last lap in the stadium, and they're dominating. And then they get that last turn, and they get the jiggly legs, And their body just shuts down, and they're, like, going sideways.

And and and then they collapse, and they can't finish. They just they just your body finally hits a point. Well, that happens to her brain and her life. And it it and we've been in such a busy mode because she's helped design the build. They're still working to get this children's building together, her and my my daughter. And they're still doing all that, and she's been busy. And we've been doing all this stuff. Then getting up here, this takes a lot of time for us to prepare because the way her brain works. And so all this extra time, all this stuff. And the thing you guys probably aren't aware of, she's been in school for the last two years. And this is her last week finishing up her final projects to get her masters in theology. So she's gonna she's gonna have

she's gonna out educate me at this moment. And so I'm gonna jump in there and get a doctorate. Then I

And and and so all of that hit

on Thursday when we were trying to it was Friday. We got so busy. We didn't get to sit down and actually run it through like the way her brain likes to write it down. So it's like, we had talked it all week. She's like, I'll say oh, you gotta say that. Write that down. Well, she didn't write any of it down, of course. So then we're like, we we we go and we're trying to go through this on on Friday.

And she's like, she even said before and she bonked it. She got like tired. She's like, her brain it just it just hit that moment. And I go, but then my I was like, well, we we got twenty four hours and we're getting up. Mean, you gotta put on your game face. This is go. We ride at dawn, you know, kind of a deal. And that doesn't work well. So she's like, you know and when I realized now what you told our daughter, said, yeah. That sucks, doesn't it?

You are gonna fail. You you're you're not smart enough. You're never gonna get this done. I if I if I would just said that, we'd probably not have this closing story.

But but we're sitting there, and and and finally, was like, okay. I I don't know what to we're just getting and you know what? We did do what we said last week about you attack the problem, not the person. But when the problem gets really intense and your brain's not working, collateral damage starts to happen. As we were talking, even the points we were trying to make, it was getting loud,

we didn't realize our door was open, and our youngest daughter, the one in the video, was downstairs. We got another text,

she just sent us this. This is all it said. Speak. Speak soon. Speak truthfully. Speak nicely. Speak fully. Or whatever the points were, I don't remember.

Now if you weren't here last week, that was a paraphrase of the outline of how to have tough conversations. She And actually got it right. Her paraphrase, flipped two out of order so she doesn't get a 100 on the quiz. But and then she jokingly says, or whatever the points were, I don't remember.

And then I realized in that moment, we looked at each other and we knew we can punch through because our daughter didn't freak out that she heard us being loud. Because she knew we worked through things. She felt comfortable even though she was like, shut up. Know? But she felt okay, which is seriously, but half jokingly

reflecting back the things we've lived out and shown her and taught back to us. And I think you know when your kid coaches back to you in a tense moment, that's a good thing.

And I realized how proud I was of of of her, like, because she's and she's the one that I'm so proud that she's in church because she's our one that's like, I don't know where she's at with God. She went off to England for college, and I'm like, is she gonna forget God like this country has? And you know, all these things, and you worry about all these things. And then here she is praising Jesus. I see her hands raised in worship. I see her just love Lord. See her working on designing places around here, using her gifts and her her brilliance, and and and and and then she even spoke back to us. Well, you know what it says jokingly? I don't remember the point. She got the point. She was here. She listened, and she remembered them all.

And and I'm sitting there in all of our chaos, in all of this, and I'm like, hey. This all happened. This all came together. And you know what? Because of all of that, we didn't get it right. We didn't get perfect. But guess what? We're here. She has her notes. We were on time.

And I'm fairly certain we remembered our underwear. Well, one of us did. But and guess what I call that? What we call that? That's a win. Amen? Amen. Well, let me pray. Father God, thank you, Lord, that you love us so much. Thank you that you care about us, and I just pray for everyone in this room

that we would know your love, even even if we're well, you're not a parent, Lord, that you would that we would we would know your love. But, I pray for those of us that are parents, whether they're children, they're still adults,

that that we would embrace our role, that we would be disciple makers, that we would be a disciple, that we would love our kids, and that they would know your love, and that we would love them deeply.

But Lord, I also pray for anyone in this room that maybe desperately wants to be a parent, and maybe this message was hard to hear because it's just not happening. God, just pray that you would bless them with that gift,

that somehow, someway, you would bless them with the gift of the longing and the desire of their heart to be a parent.

So, Lord, we just thank you. We give you all the glory and all the praise, and we pray this in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen. Amen. Hey. We love you guys. Thanks for being here. Thank Carrie for being here. Hey.

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