War Buddies | Week 3

I had two friends there that were making really bad choices, and I chose not to say anything. What we're gonna talk about today in our series on friendship is is this we're gonna talk about the words we use and when we use them.

Because because here's here's the big idea, then we'll kinda put it together here for today is this. Great friends or we've been saying we're buddies, they say the right thing at the right time.

And sometimes that's the hard thing. I didn't wanna say anything because one, kind of self interest and and and my own desire, I I kinda wanted to get out of there too. So even though was a bad idea, thought if it works, at least I'm out of here. So I thought my for my own convenience, don't talk.

But also for the sake of my friends, I didn't wanna shoot them down and and I just for whatever reason. But but great friends will say the right thing at the right time, and sometimes that's the hard thing. Sometimes it's the encouraging thing, but it's always supposed to be the loving thing.

And we wanna talk about that today as we we continue on the series called War Buddies where we're unpackaging what it means to have deeper friendships.

And like the video you saw, if you're new here, you're wondering what does that tie in? Those videos each week, that was Mike. They're all rock pointers that have actually been in combat.

And we brought them in and we just asked the question, hey, did you ever and I got this idea from my dad. My dad would talk about this. And this idea that, hey, when you were actually in combat, did anything did being in combat ever push some of your friendship bonds to a deeper level than you used to ever experience?

And Mike's video perfectly captured it. Goes, hey, we're under fire and all of a sudden, it sure made us have deeper talks about life and purpose and all that. And we got that idea because we're saying, a lot of guys that have been in combat say, got a bond that was a different kind of bond than I ever had before.

And when we step back and go, do we have to really go into war to get good friendships or was there a principle at play that when you're in combat that forces you into into a situation that makes you apply some biblical truth about what friendship is? So it's not the war itself. It's just the situation forces,

and it's true.

Our theme verse has been Proverbs seventeen seventeen, which just says a friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Meaning, real friendships are forged under fire, and they're meant for adverse situations.

But a lot of us run away from friendships when it gets hard. And if you say they love at all times, if in other words, in military terms, it says, is is a friend has your six at all times. And they're supposed to be there for when you're in there terrible times going for that greater mission.

In combat, you have a mission that's greater than yourself, and you're and it's adverse, and you gotta watch each other's back. You realize that's what God's called us to do in this world. We have a mission, be a part of his kingdom. And as we go, we have our our our friends,

And our friends are supposed to be the ones that have our back while we go after that mission, especially when the situation is adverse. So we've been talking about, can we learn the principle that's forced onto many people in combat and learn more of what it looks like and intentionally

develop those types of friendships that we call war buddies? Can we have real war buddies? Real friendships? Because I think many of us are missing out on life because we we we don't understand what real friendship is.

And how we've been looking at it is is through the lens of a a life of a man named David. We've been looking at different snapshots of his life in the Old Testament. And if you're not familiar with who he was, he was the second king of Israel. Maybe you've heard of him. He he fought a giant named Goliath.

And and but he had a really he was considered a man after God's own heart and Israel's greatest king. But yet he also did some horrible stupid things in his life. But what made him able to be remembered as a good king in the end was many times he had war buddies at the right place at the right time that challenged him in friendship. And today, we're gonna look at this concept of a friend who is willing to say the right thing at the right time.

And we're gonna look at that. And and it's found in, second Samuel

chapter 19 is where we're gonna be. But I I in order before I read this, gotta do a little bit of setup because there's about several chapters of things happening that that we don't have time to go through at all, but I just wanna tell you what's happening so you understand the passage we're about to read.

David's king. He has a son named Absalom, who's basically, long story, doesn't get along, thinks he should be king, and what he starts doing is forming a coup that turns into an outright rebellion.

And in the previous chapters, what he's doing is he starts sitting out at the city gates when all the men come from the court and the kings talk to them, and if the king shot down their ideas, he goes, so what happened? Well, the king didn't like this or he didn't pass it, and he would say, oh, that's too bad.

If I was king, I would have agreed with you. And so he starts actually getting a lot of influential people, a lot of people to rally behind him,

and then it turns into an outright rebellion, he raises up an army, more of a mob. It's a lot bigger than what David has, his mighty men, But he's got the mighty men who are trained, but it's this huge mob. And they march on Jerusalem,

and David, who is a wise king, looks at what his son's doing and says, you know what? I could probably fight him right here, but the siege of the city would kill a lot of innocent people. Remember last week, what his mighty men were? They learned it from David. So he goes, I'm not gonna fight him here. So he actually looks like

allows himself to look like the coward to his people in many ways, and he retreats. Him and his mighty men, they leave the city. So there won't be a siege, so nobody innocent will die, and he's gonna go make a plan and he'll fight them somewhere else. So then,

Avalon comes in the city and thinks, my dad ran for me, you know. And and he has a counselor, a friend, not a good friend, that gives him some advice. And this is a bad friend because you can see this guy is very

selfish in the advice he gives him. And I'm just gonna read it because it's weird what he tells him to do. So I'd rather let the Bible be telling you the weird stuff. And it's found in chapter 16, starting in verse 21. He says, this this friend, this adviser told him, go and sleep with your father's concubines,

for he's left them here to look after the palace. Then all of Israel will know that you have insulted your father beyond hope of reconciliation, and they will throw up their support to you. So they set up a tent on a palace roof where everyone could see it, and he went and had sex with his father's concubines.

You know the bible sounded like Game of Thrones, did you?

So he gives them this advice, and and and to realize that's actually a common thing. When you had a a king, he leaves, you get the wives up, and it's like you you go sleep with the wives. You you make it very clear, I'm the king now. And he says that would be such a dishonor to his death. Such a thing. What he says is the guy gave him the advice, you should do this,

and his advice was the reason he wanted to do this is it makes reconciliation impossible. Be meaning David could never be king again as long as you're alive. Now that sounds like and and this guy said, because then all the people will support you. Not necessarily.

The reason this adviser told him, he's like, hey, if I help guide this guy to this coup, and then dad and him make nice, I'm a dead man. So I need to get him to go past the point of no return.

Therefore, I know that he won't turn on me, make nice with his dad, and and then do this. So he got him to do this very common kind of thing when a king over another king. But it also told everyone in Israel, it doesn't mean they'll all support Absalom,

but it will mean everybody will say either he's gotta be king or he's gotta die. So if everyone still supported David, Absalom basically signed his death warrant if David's gonna be king. So that's kinda what happens.

So then they finally, David Smart falls back into a heavily wooded area to to dis you know, make the numbers of the mob army be not as powerful, and his guys are smarter, and they wipe them out. They totally win, even though they're massively outnumbered.

But David was even telling his friend and general Joab, hey, gonna go easy on my son. If you can find him in battle, go easy on him. But he's like, he knew that David knew you can't do that. His son can't live with what he did. Because if he does, David can't be king.

And and so as they're going through this thick wooded area, David's son Absalom had long hair. It's one of the funnier parts of the bible in some ways. He rides along trying to get away. Bam. His hair gets caught in a tree, and he basically is hung up by his hair.

And and some of David's mighty men come and tell Joab about it. He goes, did you kill him? He goes, no way, man. He's I'm not gonna kill his son. He'll kill us. He goes, he you know what has to be done. So Joab goes and puts three spears in him and kills him because it had to be done.

So that's where we pick up the story. So now they've had this great victory. They're going back into Jerusalem. They saved it. They saved all the innocent people. Everyone knows they chose to fight out there. They're heroes. The mighty men won a victory that they were outnumbered.

Like like, I think, I can't remember that. Was five or 10 to one. And and there's they should be celebrating, but they saved David. They saved his life. They saved his family life. Just just that his son died, which everyone would have expected. And here's what happens in chapter 19,

starting in in in verse one. Word soon reached Joab that the king was weeping and mourning for Absalom. As all the people heard of the king's deep grief for his son, the joy of that day's victory was turned into deep sadness.

They crept back, so they I mean, kinda crept back into town that day as though they were ashamed and had deserted in battle. The king covered his face with his hands and kept on crying, oh my son, Absalon. Oh my oh, Absalon. Oh my son, my son.

Then Joab went to the king's room and said to him, we saved your life today and the lives of your sons, your daughters, your wives, your concubines. Basically, we saved everybody today. Yet you act like this, making us feel ashamed of ourselves.

You seem to love those who hate you and hate those who love you. You've made it clear today that your commanders and troops mean nothing to you. It seems that if Absalom had lived and all of us had died, you would be pleased.

He goes and says a very tough thing to him. Now he is. He should be sad over his son. But the problem is he was so weepy in front of everybody that he discouraged his whole army, and it made it seem like we did a bad thing. And and and so he and so but he didn't just leave it there. He doesn't just say, you're an idiot.

As a friend, he encourages him too when he says, now go out there and congratulate your troops. For I swear by the Lord that if you don't go out, not a single one of them will remain here tonight, then you'll be worse off than ever before.

So he says, if you don't go out and congratulate them for the victory I understand you're sad for your son. It's okay to be sad, but you knew what had to happen. So congratulate them.

Otherwise, you're gonna lose your army. You're gonna lose your kingdom, and then your son died for nothing. Because now you're not king. He's not king. The whole country is gonna just go into craziness. And you know how many innocent people are gonna die in that power struggle? It was good advice.

And he had the guts to go to his room and say it right then. It says, and so David threw a spear through Joab and killed him. No. That's not what it says. It says, so the king went out and took his seat at the town gate. And news spread throughout the town that he was there and everyone went to him. He took the advice.

Got it together and he went and he congratulated his men and he rallied his people and they celebrated. Think about the courage Joab had as a friend.

He first did something that needed to happen, that he knew David would not have the guts to. It's part of the reason when they went into battle, they said, David, you can't fight in this battle.

Joab told him not to go. I think for two reasons. One, that whole mob knew, who cares if we lose whatever, as long as we kill David, game over. So they wanted that's why I said, we saved your life today. The entire army would have focused on David. Secondly, I think Joab knew David would not

be able to do what he needed to do with his son on that battlefield. So he was a good enough friend to go in and step in and do something that desperately needed to be done.

But then when his friend lost it, he had the courage to go into the king's room. You realize at this day and time, he could have just put a spear through him. But he did it because he had that kind of a friendship. He had the the ability to to risk everything

and challenge him. And that that's part of the key when it comes to being friends. We will say the right thing at the right time when we're willing to risk what needs to happen for the sake of our friend.

And like I said, sometimes it's the hard thing, sometimes it's the encouraging thing, but it always needs to be the loving thing.

And I know as we talk through and pull about these two parts, what does it mean to be the hard thing, what does it mean to be the encouraging thing, I'm just gonna tell you right now, you already know which one you probably naturally do. Some of you are naturally the hard thing.

Most of us call you dad. Some of you are naturally the encouraging thing. Mom. Not always. You might be reversed. It's okay. But you know which one you are. We we tend some of us tend to be with our friendships, we're always the one that just says encouraging things. And here's the thing I'm gonna tell you.

Don't hear what I'm not saying. Some of you are truth tellers that have no problem with stating hard facts. That doesn't necessarily mean you're a good friend.

Because you have to say it at the right time in the right way. But the same thing. Some of you that only say encouraging things, you think you're better as a friend. We're gonna see today that saying the encouraging thing when you need to say the hard thing is actually worse. You're not a friend at all at that moment.

You're more of an enemy. So what do I mean by that? First of all, you know, saying the right thing at the right time sometimes is the hard thing. Joab showed us a great example of that.

But let's look at another passage. It's in Proverbs chapter 27. And in verse five and six, it says this, an open rebuke is better than hidden love. An open rebuke is better than hidden love. And then verse six is even a little bit more powerful. Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.

You know what that said? If you say encouraging things to a friend when you know you need to say the hard thing, you are acting like their enemy, not their friend.

So those of you that have a hard time with the hard thing, we say, just don't wanna block the boat. I just always say the loving thing. You know, it always needs to be the loving thing. So saying an encouraging thing when it needs to be the hard thing is actually not loving. You're an enemy.

We do this a lot. We do this, know, as I told you this whole series not just about my buddies and stuff. It could be parent child friendship relationship. It could be husband wife, and sometimes we have the hardest time saying the hard thing. And some of us, if you're if you're naturally not that way,

you you you could say, just I I don't wanna do this. I'm not good at it. Like, my wife and I are pretty balanced. We both have our moments, but but our different kids are all different.

You know? Like like, they're they're they're just different. Like, you know, one of them one of them irritated us. One of them scares us. One of them, you know, whatever is just bothers us at times. You know? It's just their personalities. But my youngest one of them, I won't say which one because they don't like me talking about them specifically. So I'll just talk about them all at

One, my wife just the other day was like, you you need to talk about something. It's not a big deal, but it's like, okay, well, the other day it just happened. This conversation came up. I go, well, why didn't you just say it then? And my wife goes, well, can I be honest with you? I'm like, yeah. She goes, she scares me.

I said she, just so you know, it's not the boy this time. She scares me. What do mean? Like not physically, just the way she this particular

topic she wanted to talk about, she can be so draining and argue so well. She goes, you're so good at it. You get it. It's like, see, she's she was just afraid, didn't wanna say it. I go, well, that's the reason you say I'm good at it because you won't go for it. You you gotta be willing to go for it sometimes. But

some of you are good at saying the hard thing. Well, you're probably some of you are not necessarily good at it. You're just really, really willing. There's a difference. There's a difference because don't hear what I'm not saying again.

Some of you think, oh, I already got this one wired, and you describe yourself as I'm a truth teller. I call it like it is, you know, and and and you realize that might just mean you're a jerk,

To be honest. I mean, it just because like I said, you gotta say the right thing at the right time in the right way. And you need to say the loving thing. A friend of mine this week said it told me this this phrase, don't know where she got it from, but it says, we should, taste our words before we spit them out.

And and so it's still how do you do it? It's like some of us we think we're good at the hard thing when really you're you're just good at just saying the abrasive thing.

So what do I mean by this? How are we good at the hard thing? What does it mean to really do that? What does it look like? It's this is first, not you need to be willing to say

what they need to hear, not what they wanna hear. That's the problem of the encourager. You when you do it, you just say what they wanna hear. But this is for you that think you're really good at it, but maybe not. You need to be still willing to say not what they wanna hear and not just what you wanna say,

but what they need to hear. Some of us, if we think we're good at being truth telling, we're still doing it as self preservation or frustration or anger or whatever, or we just wanna be right, and so we just spit things out, but we haven't really thought through what does my friend really need to hear. And

if I'm really thinking about what they need to hear, I'm also gonna think about how can I say it so they can hear it? When you don't think through that process, you're just a truth teller.

You usually just say something because you think you're right, you think you have the right idea, or they're irritating you, or you're mad, or you're hurt, or you're ticked off. We do this a lot with our kids.

We we we we we say, okay, I I said the hard thing. But when you say the hard thing like this, why do you always do that? I need you to do it. You know, when when you start when you're ragey saying the hard thing, it's not about them anymore.

If the only time you say the hard thing is in a mean, vindictive, angry way or passive aggressive, it's become about you. It's not about them. That's what it means to say it in the right way. You need to say what they need to hear in the way they need to hear it, when they need to hear it. Don't

just wait till you've I've had enough. George isn't happy. You know, you can't do it that way anymore. Matter of fact, you need to learn how to say the hard thing when it's hard to say it. If you wait till it's easy for you to say it,

you waited too long. Does that make sense? Say the hard thing, but also at the right time. At the right time.

See, the end, a lot of things, you gotta look for those teachable moments, those movable moments. And that's different for different people. A lot of our people and a lot of our friends, it's it's that that right moment is usually on the other side of frustration. You almost have to let the person get a little bit of frustrated,

a little bit. But of course, the only way you're ever gonna do this is when you just decide, I'm not gonna let my friend fail because of my silence. But what happens is if they don't see they're failing or they don't get it or they're not sometimes you gotta wait a little bit and let them be a little frustrated.

The best example I give for that is that's what I do with my kids. I try to help them all with homework, when they were younger, all of them had different things they would get frustrated with about homework.

Either project or this, and I go and try to help them. And sometimes they didn't think they needed help. I go, hey, you're taking a while. You should be done with this. Let me help you. And then they'd go into math. And I just start barking out. Here's how you need to fix it. I'm saying the hard thing. Do it this way. And then the problem is I realized one of my daughters like, but the teacher is showing us how to do it that way. I go, well, teacher's wrong. So do it this way. You know what I just did? I just set up my daughter loved this teacher. So now I said, you gotta pick your loyalty, me or your teacher, you know? And and the one that's actually showing you how to do math or the dad that wandered in and said, want you to be done with this. Do it this way. I'm now the enemy. They're not gonna listen to me. So I've learned is when they act frustrated and I try to help and they bite my face off when I'm trying to help them, go, you know what? You got this. And I leave.

And then Carrie will be like, they've been in there for four hours. I wanna go to bed. They're gonna be tired tomorrow. Why aren't you helping them? I go, I am. Wait till they get tired and frustrated enough. When someone's super frustrated, they get amazingly much more open instruction and other ideas.

Well, I just wanna go to it. Yeah. I could go have a huge fight and force my way into that and get it done so I can go to bed. But like I said, who am I caring about at that moment? Me or them?

When you say the hard thing, why are you saying it? And so sometimes it's just that. But other times you gotta know when to back off in a different way. Like when I when I'm in a fight with my wife and I realize I really have my feelings hurt and I got a certain point of view, but now we've gotten frustrated.

I just gotta let you know, my wife and my our tempers, I'm a microwave. She's a crock pot. I heat up real fast. I'm ready to go. I'm like beep beep beep, fight. And so when I get frustrated, I really want us to finish the fight.

The problem is by about the time I'm ready to cool down and have a conversation, she just got going. You turn a crock pot on, you ever tell me you turn that off? Three days later, it's still hot. And you saw This Is Us. You saw what happened with a crock pot. You're like, that's what the weight that makes me cry.

It's and that's and so she's slow to heat up, but, man, once she's so I've learned that when I'm ready to finish a fight and I just wanna say, here's where I'm at. I wanna say the hard thing. You hurt my feelings this way. I wanna force the finish, but I can't because she's too worked up. I've had to learn to say, hey. I learned. I'm just gonna I'm ready to be done. I apologize for my part,

and then I just say, listen. Can you just think about this one thing? Just this one thing. And then I back out of the room slowly, losing eye contact. Act like I'm having an audience with the queen. And then I leave her alone. And when I just say it clearly and then back away and give her space,

the words actually sink in and she gets time to think about it. The thing I don't like about that is after she stops, she come back and say, you know what, you're right. I'm sorry about this, but the more I thought about it, I do need to be clear that this is what hurt me, and then I have to own more stuff.

If I can get her to fight right away, I might force an apology out of her, but I'm really just trying to win. So even saying that hard thing is really about my win, not about our win. So you gotta figure out how to be willing to say it at the right time,

but here's the best way. You wanna know the best way you learn how to say the hard thing in the right way at the right time?

Is to be willing to have friends around you that you give them permission

to come to you with the hard things. Don't just wait and have them try to figure it out. Your closest friends, you should have friends that you look at and say, if you notice anything, I don't want you to be afraid to come to me. Apparently, Joab and David had that kind of relationship.

Joab felt confident enough to walk right into his room in the middle of his grief and say, I gotta tell you something that you might not wanna hear. And the best way and here's the funny thing. When you can give people permission and they start coming to you and you experience that feedback,

it not only helps you, it deepens your friendship. It actually starts to refine your ability to go do that. So if you want to be good at it, get friends you invite it for, invited into you. Do you have friends like that? Do

you realize that's why we start small groups? I've told you this every week. It's why you got this card. She'd pull this out and go, we start small groups. This, a group, we are training ourselves. We are actually being intentional about saying,

we want a group of friends that we are gonna choose to covenant together to learn how to say the right thing at the right time. And we hope that small groups covenant to the point where they say, I want you to tell me the honest hard thing you see.

We're inviting that. That's why a lot of people I think are afraid of community, because you really don't wanna hear that. Well, if you don't wanna hear that, then you don't really want a friend. You just want the kisses of an enemy. But if you really wanna grow, you gotta invite it in.

I mean, that's the key even in in in our a lot of our other programs here too, like our celebrate recovery program. Our it's like getting a sponsor, having people in your life. So you realize that life has not worked when people just tell me one ear. I need someone that'll be flat out brutally honest with me.

You know one of the weird things, I do that in a lot of areas of life, this is gonna sound like a weird illustration, but after the five what time? No. The first the 04:00 service on on Saturday. I have a couple people. One of the primary ones is our creative

arts director, Josh, here, that I invite to come right after the service and critique the sermon. I mean, right after. I mean, I got about ten minutes for them to critique it, then I got about ten minutes to fix it.

And and the reason is I've prayed, you know, you spend all that time all week of twenty hours putting it together, doing it. I could actually say it in front of but it's just different when you get in front of the crowd. It just is. And and and what I ask them is I gotta have somebody that understands communication,

knows me, knows the topic, and knows us. And so then I give them, hey, just give me. What did you think worked? What did you think not worked? And you know what? You know how hard that is? If you are do any kind of public communication, you understand how difficult that is for a communicator.

When you give a talk that you've worked and bled over and spent time on, it's like a baby. And so I invite after the baby was just born, say, hey, come tell me if it looks like Winston Churchill.

Challenge me. It's like someone looking at baby. That doesn't look like you at all. Are you sure you're the dad? You know, you you want the truth, you know, if you wanna know stuff. Nobody most communicators won't do that. But I feel in my heart that my job is to use the gifts God gave me to the fullest

with you guys and not waste your time. And so I invite, and you're like sitting here and go, this is the result of four times of doing that? Wow. What a disaster.

But no, I like hearing encouraging thing too, but I invite him up and you know, he'll walk up to me and say stuff like, you know, that was that was great, but how about the next service you try to actually preach on the topic we decided? Or that was great. The only thing you need to change is everything.

He's joking when he says those ones by the way, which he knows me. He comes up and jokes and says that was terrible or whatever. And then I'm like, uh-huh. And then we talk about it. And and and we do. That is not easy. And you know when it's the worst to listen to?

When I already know what he's gonna say. The worst is when I feel like, man, I don't think that went well.

Because I'm like, sometimes the hardest truth for us to listen to is the truth that we in our hearts already know.

But invite it in. Invite it in your marriage. Invite it in. You can do that. Let me ask you this. Do you do you do you have a friend right now who's suffering because of your silence? What do you need to do? So it's not just saying the hard thing. Sometimes it's saying the encouraging thing.

I wanna go to Proverbs twenty five eleven, but I wanna read off the the screen here because I I wanna go old school. I I I really think the King James version captures this verse better. So we're gonna go straight from heaven in sixteen eleven and read it out of the King James version here. It says, a word

if you laughed at that, you're an old school church person or just old, one or the other. A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold and pictures of silver.

I think this really captures the meaning of this verse better than any other translation because first, I love that word fitly. So it says a word that is fitly. It's spoken in the right way at the right time. It's spoken correctly. It's at that right moment. It says when you can be that kind of a friend,

it says the words you speak are like apples of gold and pictures of silver. What does that mean? It's talking about a rich person's home. Back in the day, they were like either rich people or poor people.

And like, well, maybe it starts to feel like that's happening again today. I don't know. But but what you had is you walked in an average person's house, walked right in the living space. But the wealthier people, which we still mimic in our houses, even though we don't have palatial estates, almost every one of our houses has some kind of an entryway.

And and and to me, it seems like wasted space. To me, seems like couldn't that wall come over further and I could have a bigger TV with a bigger couch on the other side of it? But the reasoning of those entryways is back to especially the Romans. House. You go in, they have a big entryway.

And and what they always put in it would be some kind of piece of artwork, like a like a a a a apples of golden pictures of silver. This beautiful

kind kind of artwork. And what it is is you put a statement piece there. It's called, we still have statement pieces that they put it right there in the entry. So when you walked in, you immediately saw one of the most beautiful things they own, and it kinda just said, here's who I am. For most of was like, I'm rich, and I'm richer than you, you know, kind of a thing. But but for in our homes, lot of times what we do is we make it much more personal. Many of you probably have a picture wall of pictures somewhere when you come in or or a family photo or or or whatever it is. You have that statement piece. That's really what it was that's what it's saying. So it's saying when we say the right words, especially the encouraging words,

at the right time, that moment might become a statement piece for your friend's entire life. It might change their entire life because you were willing to say the right thing at the right time. That's powerful. It's powerful. Do you have people in your life that that that know when to encourage you?

To encourage you in the right way. Well, think about husbands, wives. What would happen if you weren't just saying the hard thing? What would happen if you looked for the right time to say the encouraging thing? And encouraged at the right time in the right way. And here's both of these things, I wanna tell you this.

The words you use will be more more of of of apples of gold and pictures of silver. It'll be more of a statement piece. You will be used greater when you lean into the one you're not natural at. So truth tellers,

your words will be more powerful in the lives of your friends in those moments where you spot the right encouragement. You know why? If all we do is say the hard things, it becomes white noise. But when you're always the one saying the hard things, isn't it more powerful when that person says the encouraging thing?

That coach that never gave a compliment finally looks at you and says, good job, son.

That might be three words. You might have someone that's all, you're great, you're awesome, and it means nothing to you. But that person that's always being hard on you finally says the encouragement, you're like, I'm the king of the world.

And what about the opposite? The person that does nothing but say encouraging things finally comes to you and says, hey. You know I love you. You know I'm your biggest fan.

But can I say something? Know, and they'll usually apologize if they're about to say it because they don't I'm so sorry. They'll spend fifteen minutes apologizing

before they say it. But will you won't you? Ain't you gonna? Maybe. I'm gonna try. And eventually say, I just need to say something that might be rough and I don't want you to hate me, or just just please please please please. And if they do, but then when they say, okay, it. When you know that friend that absolutely does nothing but encourage you, finally has to say the hard thing, doesn't that mean more to you?

Be willing to lean in to the one that doesn't come natural in your friendships, and it'll change things. It'll change you. It'll change them.

I tell a of stories about my dad because the longer he's been gone, the more I've realized what a good friend he was.

And he had this moment that and he had this wizardly gift of he can say the hard thing and mix encouraging thing in with the hard thing. I've tried to learn that from him. And and it's at the same time, he not only encouraged you, but throat punched you at the same time. That's where I learned to hug you, throat punch you, hug you again kind of an idea. And and and and so he came to me once and and put this all together in one little moment that that was a statement piece for my life. It's the reason I'm still sitting here with you guys.

And he came to me and he says he gave me lots of advice and stuff, but you know the one thing he never tried to tell me how to do was be a pastor because he didn't understand it.

So he came to me once. He goes, son, you know, I've never ever told you how how how to be a pastor, but can I say something to you that, you know, you might not like? But I think if you really listen to my heart and take it to heart, it'll probably save your career as a pastor.

Because I think if you don't listen, I don't think you're gonna last. Well, that got my attention because he never tells me anything about being a pastor. So what does he see that I and he goes, listen, I don't know how be a pastor, but I know two things. I know you, and I know what it means to lead, especially

in tough times. And he starts to encourage me at first. He goes, and you are a man who I see that you care about people. You care about what they think. And he goes, you are a way better collaborative leader than I ever was. You you gather wisdom around you. You listen.

You you chew you look for the win win. And when even when you have to lead a certain direction, you sell people. You you you let them know. You vision cast, and you get them to go with you, but but they're not always going to.

And I go, okay. So he goes, so here it is. Here's what's gonna kill you if you don't figure this out. I go, what? I go and he goes, you have to learn that if people don't like your peaches, they don't gotta shake your tree.

I'm like, did did did did you just become Morgan Freeman and driving miss Daisy? What just happened here? And he goes, I think you know what I mean.

It's an old statement, dad. I go, know it's an old statement. This is the problem with you having kids so late. There's such a generation gap. You're you're you're speaking in, you know, antediluvian terms and before the flood.

But but I was like as I understood what he said, he says, hey. You care so much, And that's a good thing to care. It's a good thing to grow up people. It's a good thing to get wisdom. But when you lead, he goes, hey, I don't know how to say it in pastor terms. All I know is I would have to say two men have to go up that hill, and I know one of them is not coming back.

And that's probably doesn't sound like a popular opinion, but I know if the two don't go up, 50 die. And sometimes you gotta see that, and people don't see your decisions. But he goes, that's the reason you're the leader.

You're a leader because God gifted you. And leaders, they see things quicker, further out than other people see them. So he goes, you're gonna get frustrated because you're gonna see stuff that most of the people don't even see, and you're gonna think you're going insane. And your personality is you're gonna try to convince them all to see it the same time you see it. And they're not.

And there's gonna be moments where he goes, listen, listen, you always want certainty and you want a 100% support. He goes, you can't always have that. He goes, a leader can't always be certain,

but a leader always has to be clear, son. Always has to be clear. Meaning, hey, sergeant, is going over there really gonna save the day? I don't know. Is it really gonna not sure. Are we gonna die? Not no. No. But I know this, we're going up that hill. Because that's where we're going next.

A leader doesn't have to be certain, but he has to be clear. And here's the problem. You get too worried. You get so fixated that you know where you need to go. You've had good wisdom. You've sit before the Lord. You know where it needs to go next. And you're worried about the two people that are still complaining about it. And you're like, why can't I win them over? And you go try to spend more and more time with them, and that consumes you. It frustrates you. It hurts you. It bothers you for a good reason. You should always keep that son. Keep that care for people. But there comes a moment where you have to lead. And if you don't learn that, you know what's gonna happen to you who loves people and cares about people? In a few years, you're gonna hate people.

And you'll be the opposite of what you've always been. And you will implode and probably do something stupid with your life. So, yeah. People are like, your peach is not gonna shake your tree. He was right. Planting this church, there has been so many times where we're like 53 certain we need to go.

The things used to eat, man, we took a poll. We're gonna have to add a service. We're gonna have to change sometimes. I'm already good with the fact that whenever you change everything, there's a lot of people that don't like change at all. Sorry. I am.

I'm not certain this is the greatest thing to do, but I will be clear. That's what's coming. Because the collective wisdom says it's the only way you can keep reaching people for Jesus.

I can say that and some of you like, I never would have thought you would have been that type of person, but you actually seem more the other way like a jerk. Well, maybe I learned my dad's lesson too well. I'm sorry. But it's it's changed me. I'm standing here because of a statement piece in my life.

So do you have friends like that? Are you a friend like that? And more importantly, I'm gonna pray right now. And my prayer is, what do you need to do to be this kind of friend or to have this kind of friend when we walk out these doors in a couple minutes? Father God, I thank you, Lord.

I thank you that you do care for us and love us. And Lord, I just pray a simple simple blessing for all of us, including myself, that we would have and that we would be war buddies. And if we don't have that and if we aren't that, we would listen to you for the wisdom of what's the next step I need to take

and then give us the courage to take it. I pray this in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.