Rewind — the teaching platform built on your church’s own preaching

The big idea

In every conflict we need to learn to fight the problem, not the person — treating the other side as someone to fight for, not against.

Conflict isn't the enemy — avoiding or winning it is. Pastor Bill and Carrie teach that healthy relationships require intentional, honest, loving conversation that pursues resolution rather than victory, using five steps: say it, say it straight, say it supportively, say it all, and say it soon.

Illustration

Parking-lot conflict video depicting the inner monologue of drivers fighting over a parking space

How do we fight the problem, not the and I know what many of are saying, what if the problem is the person

— Pastor Bill Bush

Point 1 of 7

We all bring a conflict style shaped by our fears and past hurts into every disagreement

Pastor Bill describes himself as the 'combat boot' who charges into conflict looking for a win, while Carrie is the 'runner' or 'retreater' who needs time to process. He shows how repeaters and retreaters pair up in marriage and how each style, left unchecked, creates more conflict rather than less.

Point 2 of 7

The goal is a hiking boot, not a combat boot or running shoe — walking tough terrain together toward a better view and a healthier relationship

Pastor Bill contrasts the combat boot (seeking victory) and running shoe (avoiding discomfort) with a hiking boot, which is willing to go through hard terrain but aims for perspective and health rather than winning.

Point 3 of 7

Say it: be willing to have the conversation with intentional communication and real listening

Drawing on Matthew 18:15, Pastor Bill teaches that healthy relationships require going and talking rather than avoiding, and that conflict itself is not bad — it can lead to good resolution if both people commit to speaking and listening without the filter of their own insecurities.

Point 4 of 7

Say it straight: speak the truth in love with self-awareness, not just bluntness

From Ephesians 4:15, Pastor Bill explains that saying it straight isn't about bluntly saying what you think — it means having clarity about yourself and the other person, understanding why you're really upset (since anger is usually a secondary emotion masking hurt or fear) before you speak.

Anger is a secondary emotion. It always is

— Pastor Bill Bush

Point 5 of 7

Say it supportively: seek resolution, not victory

Using Philippians 2:3, Pastor Bill warns against 'lawyering up' and turning fights into historical trials by dredging up past evidence. He shares how playing the moral high ground after Carrie 'goes feral' only restarts the cycle, and that humility is what keeps a conflict from becoming a battle.

Point 6 of 7

Say it all: get to the real 10% underneath the 90% you keep arguing about

Citing Proverbs 4:7, Pastor Bill explains that most repeated fights happen because couples never name the real issue hiding under the surface argument, and that good judgment means addressing the true root, not rehashing the same fight three days later.

90% of the problem you're having is in that 10% that you didn't talk about

— Pastor Bill Bush

Point 7 of 7

Say it soon: don't let anger fester, but that doesn't mean force it right now

From Ephesians 4:26-27, Pastor Bill clarifies the verse isn't a command to resolve everything before sundown by force — it's a warning not to let anger sit and build a false narrative about the other person. He tells the story of finally admitting 'I got really sad' instead of fighting, which broke the cycle instantly.

Be bold early so you won't be brutal later

— Pastor Bill Bush

all I'm trying to say is when you did this I got really sad

— Pastor Bill Bush

I think we need to fight the problem, not the person

— Pastor Bill Bush

A story from life

Bill recounts the moment he dropped his defenses mid-fight and simply told Carrie he was sad, and she hugged him — prompting her to say 'you should've just led with that'

A story from life

Bill and Carrie recount the conflict they had within 48 hours of this message while preparing to preach it together, walking through all five steps in real time

Take it into your week

Pastor Bill's charge is to trade your combat boots or running shoes for hiking boots, and walk the five steps of saying it together.

Application

Say it
Commit to intentional communication instead of avoiding conflict — be willing to have the hard conversation and to actually listen without the filter of your own insecurities.
Say it straight
Get clear on yourself before you speak. Figure out what's really behind your anger — hurt or fear — instead of just reacting, and speak the truth in love.
Say it supportively
Aim for resolution, not victory. Drop the lawyering up and rehashing past evidence, and approach the other person with humility instead of moral high ground.
Say it all
Push past the surface argument to name the real issue — the last 10% — instead of circling the same 90% fight over and over.
Say it soon
Don't let anger sit and build a false narrative about the other person, but also don't force resolution on your timeline; give space, then come back to it.

Keep going

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