You Asked For It | Part 2

men and women are are are wired different. Matter of fact, here's the big idea we're gonna talk about today, just I want you to be able to pray for is God has wired women and men differently so what he asked us to do in our marriage is different.

And I'm just gonna tell you right there that sounds weird to a lot of people because I said this whole series has some counter intuitive things and today that's not popular to say we're different. We always wanna say we're not different because somewhere along the line we've come in our culture to believe that different means better than and worse than.

Can it just mean different? Or is God from the creative order wired men and women a little differently? So what he asked us to do, because where we left off last week was in Ephesians five twenty one. It says what we really need to do to make a marriage work is submit to one another.

Well today we're going to be unpacking what does that look like and you're going be confused if you don't understand that we're wired different because how it asks the wife to submit and how it asks the husband to submit is different.

But it really goes back to our different wiring. But as we unpackage this, I also want some prayer because of the idea that what you're going to hear, there's some tendencies to go, that sounds counterintuitive. Or when you hear my wife and I giving some examples,

another thing that you might just pull back and think this doesn't relate to you is because our examples don't seem as extreme as your examples. Like you're going to say, well that must be nice for you, but look at our problem. And I just want to tell you it's

not about the size of the problem. As matter of fact, we were on our family road trip this summer, there were some problems. No, just kidding. When we went on this road trip, ended up in the heart of darkness, the city of Seattle. Actually, it's a beautiful city with a bad football team. But

that was just for you, Gabe. Just for you.

No, just joking. We had a great time, we went to the Space Needle. When you're going into the Space Needle, they have this, as you're waiting in line, walking up there to the elevators, they have these displays about how they built this thing and all. And right on the wall they have this giant bolt sticking out with this huge nut on it, and you can mess around with it.

And it describes that these are the nuts and bolts. They were this big. That's how they put the girders together to make this thing hold together.

And I was looking at that. I showed my daughter. Go, look at this giant bolt and the nut on it. I go, could you imagine the wrench that they had to have to put this on? I thought I was being funny. And one of the guys working there goes, yeah actually it is. It was a really big wrench. I'm like, okay I stand corrected.

And the truth is, he's like what would you expect?

A nut and a bolt? A wrench. You need a wrench. That's what it is. And I go, yes. We talk about marriage. I mean, we're gonna talk about how God meant for us to be connected. A nut and a bolt, husband and wife, you're supposed to be connected in a way. But problems come and it comes disconnected and the only way to reconnect it is a wrench.

It doesn't matter how big the nut or bolt is. It doesn't matter because Jesus can be the biggest wrench ever or the smallest wrench in. His love, His grace, His words, His wisdom is what keeps us connected, that holds our family and our marriage together, and it doesn't matter. It's the same issue, the same problems.

Unloosen it, the same answer tightens it. It's just the economy of scale.

Trust me. So I just hope that you'll listen as we go. But like I said, what we're going talk about is how we're wired different. We're just fundamentally wired different. And the other thing to say, it doesn't mean that what it says, that women really have their drive is not something that men have the drive for and vice versa. It just means that I think we put it in a different order.

Our wiring is just a different order. And so where we get this from is if you go back to the very creative story in Genesis, first of all, chapter two, God creates man.

And then he says it's not good for men to be alone. I mean, there's socks and pizza boxes everywhere. Maybe no, just kidding. He says it's not good for being alone. Why? Because when God created mankind, he said I'm creating this in the image to reflect my image, not physically, but reflect my image.

And so it takes both male and female to completely reflect the image of God. And so he he creates Eve, introduces her to Adam, and Adam goes, woah, man. And that's how you get the name woman. So you guys are awake. It was like a grenade joke last service. Ten minutes later.

But in verse 24 of chapter two, it says, this explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Doesn't that sound beautiful?

The problem with two united into one, especially in our broken world, especially with what we see happens in the next chapter real quick, is it sounds great, but it's difficult. Two to become one? That is really difficult to to form into one relationship. It sounds romantic, but it's more akin to our

history as a nation. I just finished a book on how we ended up with our American Revolution

and how we ended up with our Constitution after the American Revolution. And and you would think that the biggest challenge that the Americans faced was fighting the British in a war. That's not true. If you read what happened afterwards, trying to make 13 colonies into one country

was a problem. Because all the colonies, yeah, had some fundamental they were similar. They were from England. They spoke English, but they had different kinds of what they talked about. Words meant different things. Their culture, they had different values. Their ways were a little bit different. What they thought was important, their economy was different. And how were they going to form one country out of 13 colonies? You think the problem was fighting the British? That was the easy part. They had a common enemy. People come together when you have a common enemy, but then once they win that battle, now what are they going to do? I mean it's the same in marriage. I mean, you might be working together fine as long as you have kids, but once they move out and you don't have the common enemy anymore, you're just stuck with each other.

And the idea is that you try to put these colonies into a country. It gets very weird, even though you want to be.

And so as he describes this, he says this is not an easy task, especially with what happened in the next chapter. It's because they were created to know just good, but now they discovered evil because Satan came along and tricked them. Tricked them into believing a lie. And this lie they bought is the foundation

of all sin. If you're new to church, here's what sin is. He came and said you don't need to trust God. He said don't touch this one fruit. And he goes basically sells them on a lie that says God's holding out on you. Don't listen. Go around him and you'll get something more.

Don't believe what God said. He's holding you back. And that is still the heart of every sin to this day. When the Bible says we're sinners, it says we want to believe ourselves, we want to not trust God, and we want to think I will take care of this, and and what God says cannot possibly

lead to the right end for me. And that's what we do. We do this all the time. Even as Christians, even even in church, you'll hear something counterintuitive. You go, you know, love Jesus, but I'm not going to do that.

That's the heart of sin. You're basically saying, I don't believe that God can get me where I need to go that way. So they fall for it. The problem is it broke their relationship with God, but it also unloosen the nut and bolt of their own relationship.

We see that. Go read chapter three. They start off and once Gag says, what just happened here? The blame game starts. They start throwing each other under the bus. He goes, Adam, what happened? Adam goes, it was the woman

that you gave me. I mean, in one sentence he goes from being knowing good to throwing his wife under the bus, but ultimately blaming God. It's like, it's her fault, but you know what? If you're gonna get mad at me, you really created this defective wife that you gave me. I mean, it escalated

quickly, didn't it? It's like, bam.

And then she's like, it wasn't me. It was the one armed man. No. It was the it was the serpent. It was his fault. He tricked me. And then the serpent says it was the cat, you know, and and and it goes on and on and on. But but because of this brokenness, they're already you can already see that they've they've started to be selfish and distrust each other.

And so then God says, well here's going to be these consequences. And in these consequences that what's going happen is not like God says I'm going make this happen, much part of it he does, but he's saying this is a natural byproduct of the brokenness now.

You're wiring. But if you notice, he emphasizes a different thing for the woman than he does for the man. And I think when we unpackage it, you're going to see it's because God wired us a little different. He just wired us. And and and so if you look in verse 16 of of of chapter three, he says this. He said to the woman,

I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth.

Now that just sounds like it sounds like it's fundamentally just saying because of this, apparently it wasn't supposed to hurt birthing a child as much. But he says now it's going to hurt. But if you read the rest of scripture and stuff, I think it's saying something more than just it's going to hurt to have a baby.

I think it's describing how it's going to be painful to be a mom. He says in pain you will give birth. Because it's like you are now in a broken world where we're naturally born with this selfishness, this brokenness, and imagine what it's like to raise children who are just as broken as you are.

You're going to watch moms as your kids make stupid decisions. As matter of fact, she has to watch just a few chapters later where it describes how one of her sons kills another one. That's not supposed to be that way. That's painful. So basically, it's going to be painful to be a parent.

Now, does that mean it's not painful for a husband to? Didn't say that. It is. But it's interesting now, of all the things that are going happen, he emphasized that for the wife. And then look what he says. He says, and out of that, the next thing he says, and you will desire to control your husband,

but he will rule over you. That should be our memory verse for the week, and let's just close in prayer. No. He's not describing this as a good thing. He's saying this is wiring gone bad. This is the natural outflow of our wiring gone selfish. And so it says you're going have pain as a mother,

and then you're going to have pain as a wife, and your desire is going to be to try to control the husband to get it your way, but his response is going to be no way, and he's going to fight back out of that same desire to be selfish, and you're going to try to control, but he's going to dominate. Try to dominate you.

That word for rule means to dominate. It means to like, no, you're not in control. I'm going be in control. That's going to be a problem.

Then out of that he says to the man, and now it kind of reverses it. Now it says, it's funny the one thing it chooses to focus on the exterior, not the relationship. In the interior relationship it says one's going to control, one's going to dominate, which is two different ways of saying pretty much the same thing. I want it my way.

I want it my way.

But then it says, from a wife's point of view, being a mom is going be painful. But look what it says to the man. Since you listened to your wife and ate from the tree whose fruit I command you not to eat, the ground is cursed because of you. All your life you'll struggle to scratch a living from it. It'll grow thorns and thistles for you, though you will eat of its grains. By the sweat of your brow will you have food to eat until you return to the ground from which you were made. What

did he decide? What did God decide to tell the husband that's going be a real struggle for you? Work. Isn't that interesting? Parenting. Providing. We live in a culture that says, Oh no, no, these are all just gender constructs and we just made them up.

No, we didn't. They're natural byproducts of the way God wired us. It doesn't mean but now we fight that because some of you are like, I'm a career I'm a woman. I love my career. I get it. It's not saying you don't. It's just saying where are you wired to naturally gravitate?

You naturally gravitate. A guy naturally gravitates towards providing. You know what it has to do with the fall itself? He didn't protect his wife in the fall. He didn't provide leadership. He didn't provide what he should and stop it. And then the wife naturally said, Here, eat this. Control.

It's like this natural byproduct is where we're going go. It's like I care about being a parent. I know it's painful being a parent. But what do we tend to lean towards the most and worry about the most? And for the most part, the way we're wired, it's which order we put them in.

The wife tends to worry about the kids in the home, and then you add in your working too. But most of the time when I talk to the wife, work is just an added stress to what I really prioritize first. Guys, same thing. We care about the home, we care about kids,

but we lean into that idea that work is hard. And what he's saying is work was God created us to work. What he says is now it's gonna have to take more effort to get less result. It'll never be as satisfying.

So bottom line, what it's really saying here, think about this, to see if this makes sense how we're wired different. Because of our selfishness, it says wives will tend to want to control out of fear. Out of fear, I want to control because you're afraid of where is this going? And I want it to go this way.

So out of fear, you'll try to control. Says husbands, out of frustration, will try to dominate. If you hear that, the basic root of the problem is still the same. It's just a slightly different angle we take it from. Men ought to get frustrated. Life's not working this way. I'm trying to provide

so it really describes doesn't it sound like if you really step back from that, it sounds like what most of us have a problem with. Especially you're both out there working hard and the wife's like, I'm just, you know, you need to do this, you need to do that, you need to do this. And the husband's like, you know honey, you don't, you know, I already told you I'd get that done. You don't need to nag me every six months about it. You know, and stuff like that.

You're worried about it and you're trying to control and the husband says it feels like control because you're like, hey, I'm working my tail off. I'm trying to provide for the family. Can't you understand? And you know what's funny? This is a side note probably coming next week, but when they do

surveys and counsel people, they always say what's the hardest problem? And even in couples that have kids and both work full time, guys 100% of the time will actually say when they're alone, I know she works too, but I actually work harder. Guys, we feel like we work harder no matter what.

Isn't that weird? A 100% we feel that way. It's like, well, what's your wife do? She is the surgeon general. What are you? I'm a janitor down the street. I work twenty hours a week. And so we have these struggles. There's

this pressure at home. The kids are out of control. Honey, need you to do this. I need that. He's like, hey. You don't understand. Work so hard. You know what? Leave me alone and dominate. Control. Dominate. Control. The thing is they're both being selfish. Does that make sense?

Because that you have to set up this difference in order to go back to verse in Ephesians five over last week where we said, how a marriage is supposed to work is supposed to be a covenant of love, not a contract of expectations.

With that selfish brokenness, if you go into a marriage with, I contract, I'll do this, this, this, and this, and you do this, this, and this, there's a constant battle.

Because then you're like, well, I work too. What about this? I got this, I got that, and then it's like, alright, let's renegotiate our contract. You know, and you're in constant contract negotiations. But a covenant says, I'm going to 100%

do what God has asked me to do. I'm gonna be the spouse I'm supposed to be regardless of what you're doing. And and and so when we looked into Ephesians five twenty one last week, it said one we just looked at one verse.

It says how this is going work, how you're going to correct this, how you're going to the the God's word, the wrenching of God's grace, God's word, he says, you need to submit to each other.

So verse nine. We both submit to each other. Now we're going to look at the next verses because it says, what does that mean for the wife? What does it mean for the husband? And it asks the submission looks a little different, but it is still mutual submission.

And we're gonna see what that is, but I need some help with explaining this better. So I'm gonna bring them on better half, the woman I've been married to for twenty six years in a row and counting. It's good. Carrie. Come on up, Carrie.

That surprised her in one of the services. Not the first one, no, no, actually it was. I meant the words. I meant every word that Dierks Bentley just sang to you. Alright, well thanks for being here. Yeah, you are. It's hot in here. I'll move away. No, just kidding.

Well, thanks. And I just what I want us to do is we're going to walk through these verses, and I wanted you to help me react to this and talk about what this looks like in everyday life and and and see. So let's let's jump in here. In Ephesians five, verse says, to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ,

and right there is the key to this. But for for verse 22, says, for wives,

this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the savior of his body, the church, as the church submits to Christ. So wives should submit to your husbands in everything. I You think that just explains it all. We can just stop right there, right?

Yeah. No. Hey, when you hear this, I know that it creates a reaction. And I just wanted you to react to this first just kind of describe only the fact of how does this make you want to react? And then what have you learned, like, when we really look at what this passage is talking about? What does it really mean?

Well, like any good Sicilian, this word submit makes me wanna fight someone. That someone is me. No. But really, I spent many of my years many of my many years Without really working on this whole issue, wrestling with God over this

word submission and this act of submission. And mostly because I had believed for a long time that it kind of more had the subservient meaning as if my it's about my value. It was a statement of my worth that I was less than second rate and all of that. And and, you know, who wouldn't wanna fight that? But really,

as god has kind of grown me through this, I have become, I've come to understand that submission is not about my value and my worth. This is an act of obedience that Christ has called me to and you talked about it in the Courage series about this death to self and so, what I'm learning is submission

is a death to self before the lord. He's asked me to to submit all my fears and insecurities and needs before the lord in relation to our marriage and that's an honor and respect to you. Now, the other thing

that's such a beautiful statement and it just seems like it should work so easily but what I've come to learn about myself is that Carrie is really all about Carrie. I am I have many fears and insecurities that I have to manage and control. I am very much about self preservation, self protection,

and it is a very risky, vulnerable act for me to lay those all down before the lord. And this is this is an act of obedience on my part. So the submit is to Totally. The submit, lay down the desire to control Mhmm. Out of the fears. Mhmm.

So so so you hear that, but then everyone's like like, give us an example of what that really looks like. Because where most people want to go, especially church people,

is doesn't this say the guy's the decision maker? He's the boss. He's this. And then you know, you might at some point if you can't make a decision, it does kind of involve

if you're like like when we work out together, it's like it's not like I go into a room, come back and say, you know, since I'm the leader here and you're supposed to submit, I've prayed to the Lord and here's thus saith the husband and gather around family and they're like, Oh praise you, you're so great. It never

works like that. We're really partners. Co equal partners and so when we make decisions you need to look for the win. You talk it through until you find what you think is the best solution.

And yeah, maybe you get to the bottom line and it's like, okay, can't decide on this. Yeah, it's asking maybe, okay, I'll surrender my desire to control. Go ahead, you can make the mistake that you want to make, basically.

So we get that. But we want to make it about that. But that's just a tiny that really isn't what this is that's just one simple little thing. When it talks about respect and submitting in this way, what does that really look like in everyday life? Can you give an example? Yeah, and again, this may

seem like such an insignificant small nut Exactly. And But this is something that kind of as we've been we've through the entirety of our marriage and I I learned really early on in our marriage like maybe the next day that I we we approach days off and time off very differently. I tend to be I'm not a very good relaxing

person. I'm not good at shutting it down. I'm kind of fidgety. I need to have a project and something to do and I bring in, I'm sure some guilt or, you know, in my past and just kind of my personality and we'll talk about that in the in the next weeks what we bring into our marriage. But

Bill I approaches days off. I'll stare at the ceiling for hours on end.

Really where this began to rub up in our marriage was, you know, my love language is acts of service and time spent and I wanted to spend that time together. We had projects do. We had things that need to be done. It was very much a sense of security for me. I also,

early in our marriage, it's near our family, and this is an Italian family, and you needed a doctor's note for excuse if you couldn't spend time with them. But so family and home was very important to me. This was a sense of my this gave me security. But we were missing because he Bill is a to work hard, rest hard. And

we were missing. And it was a constant battle. And we I I just remember coming to this point like, how is this ever going to work? He is never going to be able to meet this need that I had and there there is a lot of contention and arguing and resentment because either I'm like, fine, forget it

and resentful and your bills do have the same thing and I just remember at one point, god was like, I need you to to lay this down And I thought, alright, why me? Why is it me? And that brought me back to, so, I'm less important. I'm the less important one. I have to lay this down.

He said, no, I'm asking in obedience for you to lay this

do to

do We're act of obedience is not conditional on what Bill does or doesn't do. And so this has just been a process. I'd lay it down. I'd pick it back up. We'd start off. Hits me over the head with it. Lays it back down. No. And you know, I I just think there there are many times that in that process, I know you led

in love. Sometimes you didn't do it right. Sometimes you did, but I was many of those times I was unable to see it because was through the filter of my fears and my insecurities and I was not really able to see the reality of everything. So, I couldn't trust that. I had to lay,

slay it all before the lord and this was god asking me to trust him. So that's where we're at. You forgot the end part that makes me look better. Oh, I did. It made. I'm sorry. That part that makes me look better. I'm just. I did. The most important part of it. Well, of course. Here's the thing. No. Actually,

is true because god began to work and there was a change that took place and now, we have our one Mondays off together and I can't tell you how many times Bill has said, hey, you want to go to Lowe's? We'll get some stuff to work on your project. You want to go to IKEA? I know. IKEA on a Monday.

IKEA was a little bit easier because I got rid of my gas guzzling truck, so I knew we couldn't come out of there with buying anything too large at that moment. IKEA delivers. Yeah. That's unfortunate.

Now I joke, the part that makes her look better, the reality is it made her look strong because we'll talk about this more next week, but it's in a way we communicate because I do care about family time. I care about family. I care about projects.

The difference was I did not care about them on Sunday afternoon or Monday morning because I was dead. And the problem was the way she was wired, we'll unpack this more, we brought these things in, was you don't sit around and do that, which was interesting because you being up here with me now, we went home last night

and she's like, oh I get it now. I don't want to do anything. I just want to go to bed. Go

But the problem was when you're wired, we don't see it, so it turned into a fight. And I would be like and I'd make the mistake of saying, You know, you need to submit to me. And I'm just going to tell you right now, what it's about to tell the guys to do when it says the wives to submit,

don't ever read those verses to your wife. Some of you, that's the only verses you've ever been able to quote from memory. If your wife goes, this is the only memory verse you've ever learned? You've already lost. You've already lost. It's

before her and the Lord. Basically it's asking her to say, your desire is you're afraid that if I surrender control, where is he going to take me? So it asks you to put that down. Well now it asks the guy to surrender his frustrations because where

the wife is, I'm afraid of where this is going to take me. What it's about to ask the guy to do is out of our frustration we'll be afraid of what is this going to get me.

So it's about where is he going to take me versus what is this going to get me. That's how we're wired a little different. And that's why he asked the guys to do something different. Here he says this. He goes, for the husbands. This means love your wives.

And wives are like, well that's easy. Look at how lovable I am. But no, says love. And if you listen, as I read these verses, how many times did it tell the wife to love the husband? You weren't paying zero. It's over constantly tells the husband, love your wife, love your wife. It's like, hello McFly,

love your wife. Now does that mean a wife doesn't need to love her husband? You know what it means? Even in our brokenness, it's easier for a wife to love. But you know what it told the wife to do? Submit in the word really, it will see that it means a respect and honor.

Treat them like a hero, look up, show some respect for them. You know what's weird is? I know a lot of relationships, done a lot of counseling, where the wife absolutely does these sacrificial, loving things for her husband but doesn't respect him at all. You know why? You have a hard time with respect.

But guess what a husband will do? He has no problem respecting his wife. He has a hard time loving his wife.

And that could be the source of your problem. You're like, I am frustrated. I'm working hard. I'm working hard. You're both working hard. But you know you're working hard at wives. You're working really hard at loving your husband and you don't respect him. And guys, some of us work so hard at respecting our wives but you're not loving them.

You're pouring in the what you want. And that creates a frustration and a problem. So it says for the husbands to love your wives, and you're thinking, well doesn't that sound easier than to respect or submit? But he qualifies what this love looks like,

as Christ loved the Church. So it calls the husband to love your wife the way Jesus loved the Church. And you're like, what does that mean? He qualifies it again. He gave up his life for her. So we need to surrender our own way. We need to surrender our fear of what is this going to get me. If I sacrifice for her,

no matter what,

no matter what she does, what is that going to get me? If she's still not respecting? What does he not do? That's the whole idea. This is why it's called the man's called to be the leader. Of course, we're both called to do it. Like you said, it's before the Lord. I'm not really surrendering to to Bill as much as I'm surrendering to Jesus through this same thing. We're not surrendering.

We're submitting to one another by ultimately submitting to Jesus. But I'm going to tell you, we're both called to do a covenant that says I'm going to do this no matter what. But I just got to lean in the guys a little bit because I am one. And I go, even though we're both called to do this,

when it says for the man to lead, lead doesn't mean what we've made it out to mean in today's age. When we hear lead, we think boss and decision maker. It's not what it means. He just said you gotta lead like Christ led, lead with love, and that kind of love has to be, I will lay down my life for you,

even if it gets me nothing in return. So what a leader needs to do according to scripture, and my dad taught me this too, he says, you know what it means to lead, son? A leader goes first. A leader goes farther. And a leader will do it alone if he has to. Guys, you're sitting here going,

well, I would do that for my wife if she'd respect me. Did it say, do this when she respects you? You realize the thing that's the same for both of us is is is what you heard in Carrie's story was by her choosing to show me respect, it woke me up.

It was it unlocked it. So ladies, you can sometimes you can show respect to your husband. There's something about guys, ladies, that that that that he'll live up or down to how you treat him, what you expect of him, what you think he is. If you think he's a hero and you treat him like one, even if he's not acting like it,

most guys will figure that out and they will die trying to be what you think they are. And I'm telling you, it worked with me. Carrie unlocked it. But the reverse is, guys, the easiest way, I think the quickest way to fix this is be the leader you're called to be. And leader doesn't mean boss.

Leader doesn't mean dominate. Leader doesn't mean control. Leader means I'll go first. And what you're called to do is love your wife like Christ loved the church.

He laid down his life, which means, okay, you can be the leader. Ultimately, you want to make it about decisions? You want to make it about who makes a decision. You can't make a decision. You're sitting there. It says,

Wife, all right. I'll surrender control. I'll go where you want to go. But if you're going to try to honor God and submit to Him, what it says you need to say in that decision making process is, You know what we need to do? And what should come out of your mouth is what is best for your wife, not for you. What?

Now let me prove something to you. A little survey. Wives in the room. If you had a husband, I know no one's perfect, but you believed in their heart

that most of the time when you guys are trying to decide or you're going through life, that if you come down to a decision or you're going in a direction or you're living everyday life, that you know he 100% tries to put you before him in this whole process.

How many of you go, I could submit to that. Raise your hand. Vote. Right now. Would you not submit if his decision making process was my whole goal is what's best for you? Pretty much every woman except for some liars in the room. Their need to control. I'm not going let him know that.

The reason you struggle with submit is because it sounds like dominate or less than. It's not about that. Matter of fact, the Bible used the word in one of the letters he wrote, he talks the same thing. He says the same thing about submit and respect. In the words there, it says for the wife to actually

bow down in worship of the husband. Almost this bow down. That sounds subservient. But it says, but the husband, you're supposed to lift up, and he uses this term for put on a pedestal. What happens if one bows and one lifts up? Where are you at? Eye to eye. In other words, it's saying the wife wants to be cherished,

but the husband wants to be chosen. We want the same ultimate thing. Just a little bit different in the way it's wired.

I hope that makes sense. The person says, guys, you gotta you gotta go first. You gotta you have to love your wife like Christ loved the church. And look, he even says here's how you're supposed to love her. It's to be a spiritual leader. It's to guide the family, guide you towards Jesus.

It says in verse 20, to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God's word. He did this to present her to himself as the glorious church without a spot or wrinkle or any other blemish. Instead, she will be holy and without fault. In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives keep saying love love their wives as they love their own bodies, for a man who loves his wife actually shows love for himself. No one hates his own body but feeds and cares for it, just as Christ cares for the church and we are members of his body. And I'm going tell you, just like Carrie, you said the problem with your surrender and submitting the control,

I have to fight the desire to surrender my desire to dominate or get it my way for the same reason because Bill is about Bill. The nut and the bolt always want to come. So what God is actually asking us both to do is fight against the tendency to do that.

So when we describe this idea of lead and love, can you give example? Because I know they're thinking, what does that look like? To you, what does that look like for me? Well, the one example that I kind of go back to you know, when we started, came out here and started this church, I just I knew that my bill had put my heart

and my well-being ahead of of any of this, ahead of of this even this church plan. So, knew that as hard as it was, I really wanted to consider my words very carefully because if I said, though I can't do this, this is too much, this is not good for me or our family,

would he would have taken that very seriously and he would have been out. But again, I knew I had to to be very careful. I mean, we were had to work through a lot of the stuff through it. But if at any point I couldn't do it, he he would've he would've chosen my heart over over this

job. You you feel like this idea of being led with love is more about not about decision, but creating environment where where you feel like, know, other than my relationship with God, this is the next most important relationship in my life, and to really live it out to the point that even

my job as a pastor, if I felt like this was hurting you in some way, you'd honestly believe I'd walk away from it. That's

a tough one because, you know, a lot of you look at it as like, well, that's weird. I could see walking away from my career, but you're a pastor, isn't it? And a lot of pastors I've watched I've counseled so many

that I've watched them lose their ministry and lose their job because they've they've they've had this pressure. They don't know how to fix it. Their marriage is struggling, and he will not leave his job because to him, I got the extra spiritual job. You guys have jobs. I have a calling.

And that's what and you know what? And it's not me saying. Half of you think that way. Actually, more than half of think. You have jobs. I have a calling. And so they kind of combine. If I walk away from this job, somehow I'm walking away from my relationship with Jesus, and they won't do it.

So so so what I decided going in, and I have to fight it because you know what? I love what I do. And and to be honest, it scares the snot out of me if I needed to walk away from this because God didn't give me any other abilities. So I don't know what I would do.

Doesn't mean we wouldn't talk. It's not like she don't get the wrong in front. Like she comes in, alright. I can't handle this anymore. Oh, no. I just walk away and quit. We would have a lot of conversations before we would determine that. But if it was determined that, hey, this is literally hurting her and us,

I would be gone. Can you say the same thing? Because this is the funny thing. People wanna say men and women are the same, but I'm telling you over and over again in counseling, I don't hear too many times where it's the guys like, my wife cares about work more than me.

I hear probably 99 to one the other way around.

We're talking about stuff like that. Right? It's like this everyday life. Can you show it?

It doesn't mean it's not perfect. That's some of our fights, some of our early fights. It sounds like it's almost contradicting because early on I'd fight over the day off. My area was like, it's my job, the way I work. It's like I don't have a normal weekend like everybody else does.

And we get in these fights, and so we had to determine that and work it through and decide that. But yeah, if it was, it means to lay down your life. Right? It says, hey, go first. And here's the thing. Bill's about Bill. But I can tell you every time we get into a big fight,

I know I possess the power to end it.

Every time.

Not by dominating. Not end it by being how my family was growing up. He who is loudest has the floor, which is fun. Irish, Sicilian. I'm not trying to over, you know, just like make it simplify or make it sound ridiculous, but it really was. Going to her family's house, it was like, I just walked into a Godfather movie. And

then my house was like I told her, go, I'm the quiet one in my house growing up. She didn't believe it until she met my family. I was the quiet one. So can be there's been a lot of broken wireless phones back in the day

nature of that. We'll talk about that more next week. But it's this idea that he's really asking us both to lay down the very thing we're afraid of of not getting our way. And that's very vulnerable and very scary because there's no guarantees. Yeah. But it's just a trust in the Lord. It's a trust in the Lord.

And ultimately, it's it's goes back to verse 21 where it says to submit to another out of reverence for Christ. Meaning, I don't understand that I'm submitting to Christ, if you don't get this whole Jesus thing, you don't get any of it. And guys, especially, it told you to be the one that really

guides your family towards Jesus. Is that really happening? Are you the one to make sure the family's in church? Are you the ones that say, are we serving? Are you the ones that say, let's honor God financially? Are you the one praying for the family? Are you the one doing that?

Because you want I hear so many guys get so frustrated in their marriage and I ask them, does that have to do with it? I need her to be that has everything to do with it because that's what we're called to be.

In other words, it's really just it's it's basically saying we both need to be Jesus in the marriage for each other. Right? We're both called to be Jesus. Let me use my gift here and impress you right now. Impress them. In other words, it's saying, if I don't see Jesus every day, I can't be Jesus for my bae.

I think she hates that worse every service, honest.

I cringe. She cringes. But you know what? Some of you, that's gonna be what you say on your deathbed. That just stuck in your head. You're stuck with it. Sorry. Hates But no. But it really does mean I I I have to surrender to Jesus first. It's it's it's about the question when I want to fight and go, no, no, no. Need to get her to

what's in it for me? I need to go, Jesus is saying, hey, what did I do? When I came to earth, did I say what's in it for me? He goes, what do you need? And he asked us both to do that, doesn't it?

But to wrap this up, the bottom line is what he's saying is he's saying we're both supposed to be Jesus, but he's asking us to do it a little bit different

part of who Jesus is in the same way. It all happened in the last twenty four hours before he was crucified. But he's asking the wife to be Jesus in the Garden Of Gethsemane the night before he was crucified.

Because what did he do? He prayed. He had to pray. He was sweating blood. He was so intense about the prayer because he knew what was about to come. He knew that the father's will was for him to sacrifice himself.

And the the Jesus, the God, God knew what was gonna happen, but his his as a man, as the nature of a man, he knew what that was going to feel like. And so he's sitting there wrestling with, I know that the Father has asked me to do something that's going to save everybody, but man, that's difficult. And he actually prayed, Lord, if there was another way, I wish we could do that. But how does he end that prayer?

Not my will, thy will be done. Ladies, was Jesus less than God? He was co equal, eternal God the Son. And he was in a situation that he chose to submit, even though he didn't think it was going to be that pleasant. Submitting is not a bad thing. Subservience is being dominated, but submitting?

It's it's it's it's about you want to control. He's asking you to be Jesus in the Garden Of Gethsemane. But guys, he's asking us to be Jesus on the cross. And when Jesus was hung up on that cross and crucified, what did he say to the father about the very people that had crucified him? Forgive them,

for they know not what they do. He offered them grace. And not only grace, what he's doing when he asked us to be Jesus, he's like, he actually went to the cross and let the people who crucify him He died. He allowed himself to be crucified to literally give life to those who crucified him. He gave up his life to give life

to the ones who were taking his life. You realize that's what it's saying, guys. As the husband, here's what it means to be the head of the home. It means you will allow yourself to die to self, to give your wife life,

even if she's the one that's crucifying you. Do you get it? You're gonna have to go, father, forgive her. Because I'm pretty sure she knows what she's doing. But still, I am going to choose to surrender my hopes and dreams, my life, to make sure she has the life, even if she's the one that put me on this cross.

And some powerful words. But in a sense, it's saying you gotta give up dominating to get what you wanna get out of it. Don't out of frustration. Dominate because you're surrender even if you're afraid about what you're going to get. And wise, surrender, even if you're worried about where it's going take you.

Does that make sense? Can you thank Carrie for being here with us? She did an awesome job.

Can you pray? You pray? Me? It's always me. I have to lead the way. Prayer and killing moths that get in our daughter's room. Father God, thank you, Lord. I just thank you for just my wife. I thank you that none of this would would even work. We could not sit up here and talk about this if it wasn't for her.

And and, Lord, I think you wouldn't even be here. This whole church was her idea. So, Lord, thank you for the wisdom you've given her. Thank you for the incredible respect. Lord, thank you that she she she treats me like the man I want to be, not the man I often act like.

And lord, I thank you for that. And lord, I just pray for everyone of us in this room, especially those who are maybe struggling right now, that if if they don't even know where to start with all that we talked about, I pray they start with the most important step. Have I submitted to Jesus?

Because Lord, that's where it starts, that's where it ends, and that's the only thing that allows us to do this thing. So what I pray that we would start there and continue to look to that each and every day. I pray this all in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.