Love Is | Week 4 | Full Service

How many of you ever, like, traveled, been over to, like, England? Spending time in The UK? If you've been there for brand, is it is it do you get this sense of weirdness that it's it's so similar that it emphasizes the bizarreness of how it's different?

Winston Churchill said it this way, we are two people separated by a common language. I mean and that's part of the thing. We we use English, but it comes out differently. You know, like, if you go over there and ask for chips, you're getting french fries. If you want chips, you have to say crisps.

And so they they have different ways of use but they also just say things differently. They they they they they their tone. And like a matter of fact, the the British accent to me sometimes sounds like much more polite.

And then you mix it with the words they use. For example, if you've been over there a time if you're gonna get on the tube or a train, there's these signs on the ground and all over the place to remind you to how to be safe. Right? When you what does it say? Mind the gap. See, didn't that even sound mind the gap?

That sounds so polite. Like, there's this gap, and we just need you to mind it. Okay? Just mind the gap. You know what it says in The United States? Watch your step. Doesn't that sound aggressive and threatening? Like, it's like it's so American, like, your step, buddy. We even use that phrase, you better watch your step.

Can you imagine being angry with your kid and go, you better mind your gap. Makes no sense. But it is actually technically accurate. There's a gap and you better mind it. Otherwise, you're gonna fill it with something. You. And the problem is the the reason they need to remind you that is you're gonna experience

something very different than what you expect if you don't mind that gap. You expect a door to open, I step on. If I don't mind the gap, I'm not gonna experience what I expected. That's

exactly what we're gonna talk about today when it comes to what love is. As we've been unpacking this passage in first Corinthians 13, is is we're gonna talk about how we have to mind a gap in order to have good relationships. We have to mind the gap, especially if we're trying to reconcile a relationship.

And and and what do I mean? There is always these gaps that open up. Even though we try to love, we try, but we live in a broken world, we do things, and and the gaps open up. And what these gaps are in our relationships are this. We start to experience something very different than we expect.

And when you expect a relationship to be this way, if we're in a loving relationship, this is what's gonna happen. And all of a sudden, someone is doing this to you. They're they're doing things that aren't what you expect. They come across as different. Then then you are gonna start to have a gap.

And the problem in the gap is what's really happens is I'm not feeling as secure in this relationship now. And when you start losing security, you start losing trust. And that becomes a problem. So today's passage, we're gonna see that we have to mind the gap. Or in other words, what the big idea is simply this, trust

bridges the gap between expectation and experience. That in any relationship, if you're gonna keep it going and have it be strong, we're gonna have to learn to use trust because trust is what will bridge that gap between expectation and experience. And a and the hard thing with this, the hard thing about trust

in this context is there's two things that make it hard. First, it's the the expectations here. It's what we see. So and that's where most of us stop. When you don't trust someone, it's based solely on they said this, they did this. They did this, it felt this way.

They did this, and they did it again. It's always about just what you see. There's another layer that complicates our ability to trust. And it's not what we see, it's who we are. Who we are actually will affect us when it comes to trust. Here's why.

Who you are, your background, your experiences, all that is going to actually subtly alter your expectation in these moments,

and it's gonna alter the way you see it, so you're gonna experience moments differently based on where at. For example, if you were always abandoned, your parents abandoned you, you had abandonment things happen in your life, and then you're in a relationship. Say you start dating and say you marry this person, and all of a sudden, they start not following through on promise. They don't come home when they said they're gonna come home. You know, well, here's the thing. If you grew up with abandonment issues,

you are gonna react way more severely to the first time that happens. So that first experience, the first little gap before you even know anything, you already don't trust. You know why? Because you are built into your entire experience says, uh-oh, here we go again.

So you gotta understand that where you're from and who you are might already set you up to have a trust issue. Basically, some of know that. You probably if you know that by yourself, you can go into a relationship. I got trust issues. I got to and you know that. But if you're not aware of that,

you're gonna create gaps and cause problems that aren't even a gap.

The other thing about your background is not just even the bad things that happen to you. Sometimes, how we're wired and the environment we grew up in affects what we think of it, and we think something that should be expected. This is what's expected in a relationship, and it's not a matter of right or wrong. It's just what you've seen, and so you expect it. And then when it you don't get that, you think there's a gap, and there's something wrong. This person's doing something to you when it might be about you just have a misunderstanding about this it's a matter of style.

For example, get married. And I realized there was one of these gaps when my wife saw the first time I fixed something with duct tape. So you already know where this is going. And and and and I fixed a it was a big mirror on the side of my truck. Went for a willing, took something out, it's broke. It won't stay up.

And so I just duct taped it. And I showed her, look, I figured it out. I thought she would admire my ingenuity. Instead she goes, wait, I thought you said you fixed it. Well, will work for now because we don't have any money to buy one. And her tone and her look,

I knew what she was saying. She looked at me and all I could hear in my heart was her saying, I thought I married a man.

Almost went like she's almost rethinking everything. And the reason is her dad's MacGyver.

And so she misunderstood. Did I really think that was absolutely fixed? No. The problem was I'm broke. And the other problem is what I learned growing up wasn't how to fix everything. My dad showed me the greater kung fu is know who. Instead of know how, it's know who.

And and and you actually can get further done if you know the right people. Leadership. Get more done quicker. I couldn't get to my know who yet, and I had to drive the truck, so I fixed it with duct tape. But instead, it created a gap based on a difference.

Happened the other way around when we're sitting there, when we come home from work, we went to the gym. It's kinda late. I went to clean up. Apparently, my wife went in and made herself some yogurt and stuff and ate. And I'm sitting around after we got out. I'm just like, you know, it's getting later. I'm like, hey, what are we gonna have for dinner?

I don't know. I already made myself something. You can eat whatever you want. And I was like, wait, what what are you talking about? See, I grew up in home where my mom made breakfast, made dinner. She didn't work. My dad worked and she loved it. It was her love language.

And and so I just assumed that's what we do. And my wife was like, I'm working as much as you. I'm out there there. I I had a harder day than you. I know that because You like play wiffle ball and go to Taco Bell. That's what you do. And and I'm like, wow, that was a real miss too on her part. But and

and so I'm like going, okay, you're right. So we compromised and we just started going out to eat a lot when we were broke. That's why I had no money, and that's why I had to use duct tape. See how it all comes around? So anyways, what you see and who you are is gonna influence this.

And you gotta understand that going in. Because what I'm about to read here and what we're gonna talk about when it comes to trust is the most counterintuitive of all these messages. You thought last week forgive comes first, not last was counterintuitive. This is one of those messages

that there are so many moments where you are probably gonna hear what I'm not saying. So I need you to stay locked in as we talk about it. We'll get there. So here we go. First Corinthians 13 verse five through seven. I wanna start where we already been and then read through the end of this little section.

He says, you know, love is or rude is the end of five. It says, it does not demand its own way. It is not irritable and keeps no record of being wronged. Verse six is the key here for for this week. It does not rejoice about injustice,

but rejoices whenever the truth lends out. So stop before I read the rest. I wanna stop there. It does not rejoice about injustice, but rejoices. Now you probably what you thought you heard there is, oh, so love is is goes to seek injustice and bring the truth to it. That's not what it's saying at all.

We're actually what it's really saying in a nutshell, without spending a million years going into the whole exegesis of everything is is and we'll know by what it says next, is it saying love chooses to look for the best, not go find the worst.

That's what it's saying. It says it chooses in a relationship that I'm gonna look for the best, rejoice. I'm gonna rejoice for the best, and that truth means the apply applied practical application of gospel love in my relationships.

I'm gonna look for the application of the living out the love, and I'm gonna celebrate it. So if someone else I'm having a hard time with what's going on, I'm gonna choose. I would rather find them doing something right than find them doing something wrong.

And what it's also saying is when it looks for the best, that means there might be bad situations.

There might be evil. There might be something going on. That's right. There might be a gap, but you're not going into it looking for it and demanding it. You in other words, what it's saying is you gotta it's like this gap forms.

It's not saying you look for the best and you ignore it. What it's saying is as you see this canyon form, this gap, you choose to keep your eyes on the other side. You choose to look for the heel. You're looking at the other side instead of just focusing on that and the failure.

In other words, when you end up having a discussion, which we'll talk about in a minute, instead of just focusing on what they did wrong and trying to be right, you really are focused more on I want us to be in right relationship. And there is a difference in those things.

When we rejoice it's it's true. The Bible says we should mourn with those who mourn

and and and rejoice with those who rejoice. Guess which one's easier? When someone's having it bad, we mourn with them. When someone's having it great, we have a hard time rejoicing with them, especially if we're not having as good a time as

We're like, oh, must be nice. We know we're supposed to rejoice with them, but you're like, oh, it must be nice. You're single. Your friend finally gets engaged, and you're like, all my friends are engaged or married, and I'm the only one left. You you get but you how many times you wanna be a bridesmaid and not a bride? How many times you wanna be a groom? And you're looking desperately. So you're like, yay.

It's the same thing when we have a struggle in a relationship. We're like, you know what? I don't want to be right, but I wanna be right. It's an attitudinal thing. First step is understand what this is about to tell us to do. It's an attitude that says, if you have to go deal with the gap,

don't go into that saying the goal is to make sure they know I'm right. The goal is to get a bridge and get us both to the other side. It's not be right. Because if you try to be right, it'll never be right.

You might be right about what you're hurt on, but the relationship will never be right. And the reason we take that road is it feels better in the moment. It feels better in the moment, but it will not get healing to the relationship.

And that's why I know because it goes on to look what it then. It says, okay, it doesn't rejoice. It looks for the best. Love never gives up, so it keeps going. Never loses faith. That's the word for trust. You can reverse it. So love never loses trust. Love always trusts. Is always hopeful and endures

through every circumstance. The last thing I wanna say before we jump into what that looks like is that endure part is a key component here because that ends this section. It ties and the verse six ties what came before with what comes after to land this whole section. And that endures through every circumstance. They all sound great. It doesn't give up. It's hopeful. It's this, and it endures.

Here's the problem when we really read in English, endures. It's like like biblical words versus English is like how mind the gap versus watch your step. You can kinda hear the wrong tone in the wrong when you hear the word endure, do you ever think that's positive?

If I come back from a trip, how was your flight? Well, I endured. What went wrong? If you go, how's your marriage going? We're enduring.

Great. Let's celebrate. Let's rejoin. You're like, oh no. What's going on? You know, it's like how was Bill's sermon? I endured. Some of you are gonna be saying that at the end of the day. But what does this mean? The Greek word there for endures,

it means triumphantly making it. See, we think of endures just I white knuckle it, and you know what? It was the most horrible thing, but at least I can say I finished the job. No. That word means it not only made it, it made it victoriously.

And that's interesting because when it comes to our relationships in love, it's like you can endure or you can endure victoriously.

And I'll share at the end here, there's study over study, you think, well, they endured victoriously because they didn't have the same problems. You realize when they study most of it, most of us have the exact same issues come up.

And we run into this. Now there are extremes. Here's what don't hear what I'm saying. You could have some extreme betrayals of trust. And what I'll say upfront, the most extreme betrayal, there are certain betrayals of trust that the relationship might not ever you might not ever be able to reconcile it.

We'll see in a passage here that Jesus talks about how to deal with these things that that's that's there. But for the most part, when we we endure, we have the same issues. The difference is when you choose to operate this way, there tends to be change.

And even when you have the same issues, it changes the way you see it. So it changes the way you experience, which changes the amount of emotional turmoil and drain and back. So you can actually two people can do the same thing, and one of them comes through it great. The other, it destroys you.

What I'm trying to say is what we're about to see here is he's saying this is your only hope. If you want to have a great relationship, you have to trust in this way. If you can't, there is no relationship. You're wasting your time. Okay? So here we go. So what does this mean then? Three thoughts on trust. This kinda loving

trust or trusting love. Three thoughts about what this is saying then if I'm gonna look for the best. First, this kind of love gives the benefit of the doubt. So that means if I'm gonna be in a moment where someone seems like, yes, I'm kinda getting suspicious. I'm gonna give the benefit of the doubt.

I I I just am. Because if you say I don't trust you right up front, the second something happens, you go right to suspicious minds. If you become Elvis Presley and you start singing, you know, I'm caught in a trap. Woah. Woah. Woah. I can't walk out

because I love you too much, baby. Woah. Woah. Woah. There's my Elvis impersonation. There you go. But think about the line. You're caught in a trap because you love, but it's the song's called suspicious minds.

He's right. That's what this is saying. If you even stay in a relationship, you're trying to endure, but their person is doing some stuff that's a gap, and maybe it's repetitive gap, but you go into even how we're gonna talk about how do I I don't ignore the gap. I gotta the gap while looking to the other side,

staring at that and wanting to be right and always going in already suspicious is a trap. Because one, you'll never get past it, and two, you will operate in a way that's gonna set the other person off, and the way it's gonna set them off is you're gonna create a self fulfilled prophecy. You will set them off in a way

that then they're gonna act in a way that like, see, I knew it. I knew this is what was gonna happen. I knew you were gonna do that. And then you know what comes out? The big guns. You always do this, because you will never just do this.

That's what happens. And then they respond, and so sometimes that gap is bigger than it really is, because you made an assumption. You set them off, and now you're throwing out the you never and you always.

And here's the problem. Everyone in this room, have you ever saying to someone, say, you always and you never ever worked? I guarantee not one of them says, yeah, I've said, you know what? You always do this and you never do that. And they went, oh my gosh. How have I never seen this before?

You're right. Every single time in our entire relationship, I have always 100% done it this way, and I have never done this. No. You know what they're thinking? They're going through and remembering at least they're looking for all the times they didn't do it that way, and all the times they did do the never.

So now, they don't trust you. You've set this up like you'd have no point. And then what their brains factoring and what's gonna come out of their mouth next is, they're gonna give you all of your hypocrisy.

And then you're gonna go see, you're trying to change it. You're trying to deflect. You're trying to make it about me. You're trying to do this. Well, don't speak incorrectly because you went in with a suspicious mind, because man, woah woah woah, you're caught in a trap. And it's a cycle that we gotta break out of.

You gotta give the benefit of the doubt. Because you know why? Because when you when you do this, you basically start to become about I need you to perform at a higher level. I need you to I need you to dance monkey.

And and what happens is even if you were the one that was originally hurt, this person's trying to make it right, but now you've put yourself in this model of I'm the good one, you're the bad one.

And now you have this model of you're almost holding out a combination of last week. This you kinda kinda combine forget ultimate forgiveness and trust is something that's not gonna happen. It's gonna happen down the line when you have proved yourself so many times that now I'm feeling it.

You know what you feel down the line? It's not trust. You feel security. The reason we don't trust is because we've lost security.

So if you're trying to make and the problem is you can't rebuild security until you've had trust, and you can't even experience it. You don't just sit there with no trust and then a 100% trust. The only way you can learn to trust someone again you know how the only way you can trust someone? Is by trusting them.

So once again, when I said you still have boundaries last week, I said forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation, and reconciliation

and you don't forgive and jump right back in. You might actually have some boundaries set up. This relationship might not be where it is. If you're separated or and then all a you start working out, it doesn't mean let's move right back in and instantly go back. Sometimes you wanna cave. I just wanna pretend like everything's great. That's not what this message is. You're hearing the wrong thing. Hey. We need to work on some stuff, and you might have a boundary. But each step of that boundary

is not you do all these steps, then I'll trust. It means if I'm gonna put this moment in, I'm gonna choose to believe the best and trust you in this moment. And then one, either you're gonna go over that bridge with me and we're gonna work this out, or you're not. Now you're caught. You don't go to the next level.

But you can't say no trust until we're here. You never get there because they're afraid of you now. You set up this idea that says, you have to perform when you're done. And so you know what? Part of the lack of trust and loss of security was was was they hid things from you. That's almost a 100 you had this other life. You were lying. You made excuses.

Well, guess what? If they feel like I'm one and done that you never really trust me, I need perfection,

they're gonna start hiding from you again. But not for the wrong reasons anymore. They're not doing what you think it's for. They're doing it because they desperately wanna be back in the relationship, but you're not gonna give them a chance because everyone is gonna fail. You can never be a 100% perfect. The

boundary is what protects your heart from going too far down the road and getting hosed. But in that moment, you have to choose to trust. Cause that's the only way you can get to the next level, and the next level, and the next level. You get it? Otherwise, you're just saying, done.

And I know this is true and it's accurate. Because because I thought this kind of benefit I'm good with this

in my marriage with other people, but then as I was preparing this, yeah, yeah, yeah. The holy spirit punched me in the throat so hard and so bad and out of left field, it was like he said, hey, but what about your kids? My son's sitting right there.

Him and I had a a pretty good go this last week. And when when we get in discussions, I call it wrestling the bear. And and I'm right. You gotta wrestle the bear with him sometimes. He knows that. But what I realized, especially this last week, was what I tend to do is not go in with the benefit of the doubt.

I make assumptions, and I may be right about what I wanted to talk to him about. I was right in my concern. I was right in the I thought and I was. The problem is I didn't just go wrestle the bear. I decided to kick the bear's cub before I wrestled the bear.

You ever know that, you know, don't get between a a bear and its cubs, especially the mama bear? Could you imagine you're gonna have this wrestling match and then before, hey, wait a sec. Just kick your kid. Now let's do this thing. I go, you're gonna get a very different response.

And the reason I wrestle the bear and the reason it's hard on me and the reason I think I do this, I believe in him. I I absolutely do. I have full confidence. The only time I wanna talk to him is I think he's under utilizing all the skills and gifts that God gave him.

And then I realized the reason I have to wrestle the bears, I'm looking at a mirror. The way you have to talk things out with him is the way I gotta talk things out. I look like I'm looking in a mirror, only the reflection has smaller biceps than me.

He's right there in the black hat there.

Noted. So in this particular example, we're good. We always make up. But my oldest daughter challenged me on this. She said, but you went in already convinced you're right and you made the whole discussion about making sure he knew you were right. Well, guess what? It causes my son to get defensive because he does look

up to me and appreciates my opinion. But the way he gets defensive, makes me sound like he To me it feels like he doesn't wanna listen to me and he's being just an angry bear that needs to be punched in the face.

So I oblige and we get in this fight. The nice thing is we always end up, he even wrote, I love you, I know I love you, we love each other, we're good. But Jaden, I'm sorry. I'll just say to you, I'm sorry when I do that. You gotta know I believe in everything in you and that's all coming from a good place. And I realize

in those moments, I may be right, but as John Maxwell says, everybody carries two buckets around. One with water, one with gasoline. And with you, oftentimes I see a little fire and I know the fire,

but instead of throwing the water on it, I throw the gasoline on it and then I blame you for the fact that it blew up. So sorry. See, that's how you do this.

I mean, we already made up, but that kinda hit me. Holy spirit moment hit me. So give the benefit of the doubt. Also love looks for the most generous outcome. I just gotta concentrate a minute. I'm gonna start crying. There we go. Love looks for the most generous outcome.

It's kind of related. If you're gonna give the benefit of the doubt, instead of just saying, alright, I'm not gonna believe the worst, then I gotta believe something. I'm gonna look for the most positive way to see this. Because you know why? People's hearts are drawn to environments of acceptance.

So if I if I look for the worst outcome and assume the worst, you're gonna come in with an attitude that might make the other person not respond because they don't feel accepted. And then what you end up doing is, I might get my son or my kids or or a spouse or someone to go, here's the rule. Here's the hoop.

And out of that fear and control, they might stick to the rules.

In other words, you know, if the problem was I didn't trust you because you're off doing it and things happened, trust was broken, we're trying to build trust, but all I all started to notice it when all a sudden you came home later from work. Came home late, what are you up to? And then you lied, and you're like, well, now you're back in a relationship. They've owned it. You're working on it.

What happens when they're late again? Now if you have that fear based and that you have to perform based, and I'm gonna assume the worst based, then guess what? You're gonna encourage them to start hiding again and not telling you why. Telling you a different reason.

Because they they they don't want the the truth to come out. And so then what happens is what you do is when you assume that, it creates that. And then when you create that, what happens is even if they are honoring the rule, okay.

You might get them to where they will consistently go, I cannot be they get home. They're on time. They may came home they come home on time, but their heart's late. Their heart didn't come home with them. If you do it right from the encouraging way, they might occasionally be late,

but their heart never was. And that's the biggest mistake in saying, I will not trust you at all till you're perfect. I will not forgive you until we get the perfection. I will not if you go first with this, if you if you show this, you are trying to win the heart back and engage the heart back to what the original problem because the original problem that you're hurt was not that they're late, it's that they were betraying you. It's that they weren't making you feel secure. It was that they weren't doing these things. And what do you really want? Those are the actions.

And if you just use fear and intimidation, you just get it right, and you better and and then you have this note that I'm gonna be instantly back and not and be mad at you and assume the worst every time. Guess what? You might get a compliance to the rule, but you will not get the heart. And not having the heart is what caused the breach of trust in the first place.

And that's like trying to run down a a a trying to to run with a bungee cord attached to your back. Eventually, they might run the direction you wanna go, but eventually, guess what? That cord's gonna snap them back when they're tired.

And then if you have that attitude, like, knew you were gonna do this. I knew you were gonna do this. We can help create that. And then the last thing is love chooses trust over suspicion. That means to be able to do these things, you just have to say, I will choose to trust over and it's a choice. It's not a feeling.

If you wait to feel it, it's too late because they're never gonna be perfect long enough for you to truly feel that way. You choose trust over suspicion, but you always have the conversation. So I know what you're saying so far. That sounds great, but man, you don't know my story. This gap,

I've tried to do this, but this gap I've tried. And so you you maybe started off doing this, but you just can't do it anymore.

What do you do when the gap is too big? Well, let's turn back to Matthew 18. We were in there last week. We weren't talking about forgiveness. Remember starting in verse 21, Peter asked a question, Jesus, hey, how many times do we need to forgive? And he goes, every time. Because he goes, you

can't have reconciliation without forgiveness. Forgiveness is the first step. It's not the final product. And you can forgive without reconciling. Cause there, like I said, there can be breaches of trust. There can be a thing that blows out a relationship that you're never gonna be able to be back in this relationship.

But at least forgiveness lets you move on. Well, if you're gonna try to move on with this person and reconcile, you're gonna have to choose to trust. Not everything at once. That's why you have boundaries. But step but each step, there needs to be a choice to trust

and take it from there. And when a gap comes up, you do something about it. So how do we do it? Well, I wanna go to the passage straight before because what

caused that conversation from Peter was what Jesus just talked about. How do you correct someone? How do you confront a scenario like this? In other words, if you can't trust anymore, when you can't trust, you have to choose to confront.

You have to choose to confront. Now I know what some of say. Well, that's exactly what I confronted all the time. We get in fights, that's why it didn't work out. I'm willing to say that 99 and maybe you get it right sometimes, but I'm just as guilty. Most of us do not confront the right way.

We actually do it the exact opposite of what Jesus is about to say, is we confront in the wrong way. What we do is we wait too long. We don't do it first. I mean, we don't do it free we don't do it fast, and we wait too long until we're really mad,

and then we go out and we talk to a bunch of people about it because we're afraid to do it, and we we call it advice or prayer requests. I've seen more damage done in trust and relationships in the name of prayer requests in small groups than men's groups, women's groups, where you start talking about a problem, and that's gossip. Your spouse counts if it's if you're married. If you talk to someone else about a problem before you've ever talked to them, that's a problem.

So we do it backwards. We wait till we're angry. We wait till we gathered an army, and then we go in and we attack. And then you wonder why they fight back.

But what does Jesus say? And this is interesting. This is the only time in the New Testament where Jesus would give lots of principles, but he never really stops and says, here's the step by step. This is one of only times he says, here's step one,

then you go to step two. And if he's gonna take the time to give it in this order, and this that's critical because he's saying, this is not only what you need to do, you need to do it this way.

And if you don't do it this way, you haven't confronted. And if you do it any other way than this way, that is showing that you probably already have the suspicious mind, and you are not confronting for the right in the right way or the right reason. You've already decided, nope.

And so it's not really a confrontation with the it's a confrontation not with the intent of getting the bridge to the other side. You're not looking to other side. It's a confrontation where I'm gonna be right, and you're either gonna surrender or I'm kicking you off the ledge.

And I brought all of these weapons with me. That is a recipe for absolute disaster. So some of I've confronted so many times, you probably did it the wrong way. So what does Jesus say? He says in verse 15, if another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. There's step one. You go to them alone.

And what you're gonna see is Jesus the biggest point of this is he says, you keep it as small as possible. Always. Most of us think, I gotta keep it as big as possible to get this person's attention. Yeah. You get their attention in all the wrong ways and for all the wrong reasons.

And then they're gonna pay attention to you in the opposite way you wanted. And so you go alone and you talk about it. Talk to them about it. Then it says, but if you are unsuccessful

well, actually, it says, if the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. You know you have a problem even if you do go one on one, and they say, you know what? You're right. I'm so sorry. And then you still wanna keep going on. Well, you know, and you stay mad. You ever done that? They're saying they're sorry, and you keep going?

You probably even though you're going one on one, you're not accepting the confession because you've already decided I'm not gonna trust you. So, yeah, you confronted, but it was a it was a final it wasn't a confrontation. It was a a final statement. It wasn't looking towards

it wasn't a conversation. It was just you need to know you're an idiot.

But he goes, but if you are not unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again.

So that everything you may say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. Now see, if if you have a problem with the confrontation, you're going with this I've already been the judge and jury. I'm not gonna look for the best. I'm not gonna do these other things. I'm not gonna have any trust. I'm just gonna assume the worst.

If you're an assume the worst person, you think that that just read like it's it's a it's it's a courtroom. Well, if that didn't work, you better bring some eyewitnesses so you can prove to them. That's not what it's saying. It's saying you need to take some people that can maybe have a witness to help you help each other

cross this bridge. Now here's what's cool. Jesus says the steps, but he doesn't say what that means. It's one to two people, so it's smaller. It doesn't say about one to two people, but if you look at other scriptures and other studies, it most likely should be one or two people that know both of you that could help

bridge the gap. It's not I need two allies.

They're not coming as allies. They're coming as assistance. They're coming to hold up. They're coming to hold your guys' arms up. They're coming to help you get to the other side. That's the purpose. The purpose is to restore. The purpose is to have trust. The purpose is is is to work it through.

So some of us, even I I did that. And I went back with two people. Yeah. You got your two friends that know nothing but your side of the story, and you sat down and said, you can't handle the truth. And then even if they bit, you're right. I did it. Uh-huh. Go to jail.

No. That's not the purpose. The purpose is fine. So in our day, it might be two people, it might be family members, it might be people in a small group. Or in the in this day and age, if you don't know anybody like it, this could be like a counselor.

But if they're willing to go with you and sit with a counselor, both of you, you first have to realize, I'm not here for this other person to be the referee and tell them they're wrong.

I'm here to share. Here's what's going on. Here's my perspective how it hurts me. Hopefully and and and and then you need to own anything they say. You own what they say, and you work on it together. If two people aren't willing to do that, then you can't now they they the boundary is, I won't go, or they sit there, they argue. Nope. It's all you. It's all you. Now you know. You did you failed.

Makes sense? So then he says, so then you escalate. He says, if that still doesn't work, take your case to the church. And and then he says

well, let me see. Then he says, if he or she won't accept the church's decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. See, there's a way out. The way they treated pagans and corrupt tax collectors is they didn't have a relationship.

So he's saying, if you get that far, doesn't work. Well, you may have tried he says, all along the way, gotta show trust. You gotta look for the best. You gotta celebrate that. You can't go in with an ad. You can't go with this. At that point, you've done everything to build that bridge, and he's saying is they will not cross that bridge with you.

That's on them. Now you do walk away. So this is not saying always trust, always look past it. It's not if you just don't deal with it, that's that's if you say do that and not deal with it, what you it sounds like a recipe for abuse. It's not what it's saying.

You deal. You you may see the problem. You gotta deal with the gap. You gotta get the bridge, and then you gotta but you your plan is to go to the other side always. If your plan is to be done, then don't even do any of this. You're already done.

And so he's saying there is an exit, and he says go to the church. What does that mean? Should I get you up in front of here? Should I have gotten in a fight with my son and brought him son, get up here. Everyone we need to boo Jaden because I've tried. Me and my wife tried.

Me and my wife and his wife tried. Me and my wife, his wife and his dog tried. So now we just need to tell him what a terrible person he is and this is what he needs to do. That's not what it's saying.

Church doesn't mean no. It's like it's it's go to spiritual leadership because there could be a spiritual component that if this person is maybe they do need as they're trying to work on this, maybe they have some biblical misunderstanding.

Maybe they just need someone to walk them through from that point of view. Maybe they need someone with a little bit more authority to look at them, but that's the last step. That's the most extreme step. I have had people you might be in this room. I'm sorry. I'm gonna make fun of you right now

for for a good reason though. I've had people come to me, first step, I need you to go talk to my spouse. What? Why? Well, they keep doing it. There's this thing they're doing, and I just think they respect you, and I think if you go tell them, they'll do it. I'm like, they might,

but I don't understand. Why would I do that? There's no kind have you talked to them? Kind of. Have you have you went to a counselor? Have you tried? Are they willing? Because if they're not willing, you're done. Every step along the way. If they're not willing, you're done.

And I go, but if they're willing, why don't you do that? Well, you know, just thought maybe if you they think me going right away, bring in the last step, bring in the big guns first,

bring in the pastor that can bring spiritual authority throughout. What do you who do you who do you think I am? The the spiritual godfather? I'm gonna call in your husband or wife. You know, Tony or Tammy, I've been hearing things. And you know, we're all about family. And as the leader of this family, I'm disappointed.

Because I've been Have I not loved you? Have I not shown you the ways of Jesus? Have I not preached the word of truth? Why are you treating your family this way? You need to stop, or I will bust your kneecaps with my bible. And not my floppy one I preach with, that Family King James hardback version made out of solid wood.

How do you think that's gonna help? That person's gonna be so demoralized, so embarrassed, so frustrated. They don't even care about what your problem is anymore. You know what they have a problem? They have a problem with the way you're dealing with the problem. That's what they have a problem with.

And then when they resist and fight you, you just say, see, they're just I knew they would do this. Who wouldn't do that? Would you like that?

If you had one if you had a problem, they never really came to you, didn't even try anything else, they just had me come over and talk to you? I've had people drag, hey, will you tell him? No. You tell him. It's kind of like you drag the person down, fix them. That's not how it works. Because that won't work.

Because I'm not patient enough anyways.

It's not how it's supposed to be. That's a last step because you try to process. Now if two people are willing, you come in, hey, we we wanna work on this, where do we go? I'll help point you.

But but but but he's saying that you you gotta have this pathway. And and the problem is, it means when when in doubt, you gotta talk it out. And you gotta go first, first to them. You gotta go fast. Go when the problem's small.

Don't let it add up. If you let it build up, you've already decided. You've already went another route, and you're going in with a very different attitude.

And and and and and that part about starting small, because here's what I'm saying, If you got two people and you wanna sit down at the negotiation, the peace table to go, let's find a pathway to the other side of this, and you tell them we need to talk, and they're like, okay.

And if you were literally gonna go to cut and negotiate for peace, and they come alone and you bring an army. If you try to bring an army to the peace table, so you're sitting there and go, I'm here to negotiate peace with you. They're alone and you have an army already, you know, armed and ready to go.

How do you think that person's gonna react? They know. You're not here for peace. You keep saying peace, but I think you mean the other thing. You you you you keep saying that, but you think you mean the other thing, because you seem to come for war. What you're here for is you want my unconditional surrender.

And then they're gonna fight. And then you're gonna say, see, I knew this was gonna happen. And then you're gonna go get in another relationship, and the same thing's gonna happen again. You're gonna say people suck.

Why is there no good people? Why can't I have a good relationship? And you know what? We do get betrayed. And then like I said, I'm not talking about you that had a breach of trust that cannot be you just can't get over. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about that turning over in relationship, turning over in, and you keep having the same thing over and over again, and you keep thinking it's the other person. Yeah. They did their problem. They does they did bring in their issues, but guess what? Wherever you go, there you are. And

we keep bringing it in, and then it blows up, and we think it's all them

because we won't love the way love is supposed to be. So what do I do about this? How do I consistently do that? Really quick. Five things that are just random thoughts on practical application of here's five things I can do to and this isn't just a rebuild trust. This is how you keep trust. This is how we should all act, and they go in and out. They're not all about what do you do if you're the person that betrayed the trust, and or what do you do if you're the person that's having a hard time with trust. They're both and. We should be applying all of these to ourselves always.

And and and the first one is this, decide beforehand I will believe the best. I'm telling you, you can't wait until the moment to decide this. This you in other words, don't go shopping at the grocery store while you're hungry. It's that principle.

It's it's it's it's if you wait till you're hungry, you're not gonna bring back what you needed. You're gonna bring back, like, why did I come back with 42 boxes of pop tarts and some coke? I went for toilet paper and some eggs. What happened? You went when you were hungry.

And then you eat those 42 boxes of pop tarts, you're gonna really regret having not gotten the toilet paper.

Decide beforehand. The next one is is defend others when people assume the worst. This includes even you, and when you assume the worst. Don't get caught in those conversations because you know what we'll accidentally do? We will accidentally get into a conversation.

We might bring it up, and then people wrongfully to try to help support you, they gotta jump on the yeah yeah train. Yeah. Yeah. You know, that's not right. Yeah. Yeah. And they think they're making you feel better. They're just stirring. They're just pouring the gasoline on you.

And so it gets you more worked up. And then the more you worked up, the more you tell stories. The more you tell stories, the more you think about it. The more you go think about it, the more you start having imaginary conversations

to where you imagine what you're gonna say and how you said it, and then sometimes you rephrase those little interactions where you think you said something you didn't. We do this. I'm telling you, psychologists know we do this. I know we do this because I do this. I know you do this. And then you end up having all these imaginary conversations because you've talked so around. And then all those people you talk to, Brett, the same frustration,

the same level of turmoil, the same level of drain of the things that are actually happening, and then you assume that this is all on their list too. This is all their fault, and so you maximize, multiply, and even make up part of the what's going on.

And that's what makes two people go through the same example, but when you do that, it makes it harder on you because you've made it harder on you. You have all these imaginative. I know that because if you ever said to someone, I have told you at least 10 times. And then what do they always say? Tell me the 10 times.

Well, don't remember. Tell me the 10 times. Literally, you have not said it 10 times. They could also say they might even say if they're honest, they'll go, I remember three times. And the truth is you did say it three times, but you have exaggerated it to 10. And guess what your heart believes? The 10. Hence,

why it's so hard to deal with the relationship. You are now throwing gas on your own fire, and it's consuming you. So whenever you even in your own mind, choose to defend. Look for the best. Now they might end up showing you the worst when it's all said and done.

But if you're gonna trust, go in and choose to look for the best always until tax collector and pagan.

There is an out.

The next thing is pursue the truth if experience erodes trust. That means go first, go quick. Always pursue the truth of the gospel, the truth of love. Pursue truth for yourself. I'm gonna approach it this way. Pursue truth that says, hey, let's have a conversation about this. Let's go in and talk about this. Let's look at the basically,

pursue the other side. Don't get caught up in a fight about how big the gap is.

Most of our fights when you try to confront turn into a fight about the gap is this big. No. It's this big. No. It's this big. No. It's this big. You know what? Well, you're created this gap over here that's this big. Well, okay. What about this gap over next thing you're talking about so many gaps, you don't even know what the heck's going on anymore.

And everyone walks away frustrated. Number four, communicate honestly even if you're unable to fulfill a promise. This is super practical. If you're trying to rebuild trust, and if you I don't trust you. I don't believe you're gonna do what you said. There are gonna come moments where you can't do what you said.

You better get to that person quickly. Don't wait till you already didn't show up at something and then go, I'm sorry. I didn't make it. It's blah blah blah, and try to explain after the fact. Unless you were in a wreck and you were in a coma, then it's understandable that you'd be explaining after the fact.

Get ahead of it. Actually, and I'm not saying this isn't even when you've blown trust. This is the way you build trust. When when my wife when I know I'm I told her I'd be somewhere,

I don't just call if I know I'm not gonna make it. I'll call when I think I can still make it, but this thing's going longer. There's a chance I might not make it. I'm just letting you know. I don't I cut it off at the pass. I don't even want her to ever think, does he not care about me? Get ahead of it.

Sometimes we build mistrust because we're just kinda spacey. And and and and and you don't really mean maniacal bad things. But here's the problem. Even a little thing, if it becomes a little event, if it keeps happening, it's it's now not an event. It's a pattern. And any pattern, even little, can destroy security,

which erodes trust. So break, don't turn it into patterns.

And then the next one, the last one I think is own the gaps you've created. Own the gaps you've created. What I mean by that is be willing to own it when it comes up, but also it means even if you're confronting, you're going, hey, we need to talk about this, and they say, you know what?

Say they do this. You're right. I am sorry I did that. I I I really did, but here you know why? I shouldn't have reacted this way. It was a bad way to react, but it was a reaction to when you did. Now if they've owned it and even admitted it was a bad reaction, they say that first,

and then they say, but it was a reaction to when you did this.

If they've already owned it and said it was a bad reaction, you cannot go woah. Wait. Do you you I know what you're doing now. You're trying to twist this. You're turning it. You're trying to deflect off of you onto me. No. They're not. They're trying to they're trying to cross the bridge with you.

Now, if they won't own it, if they say, well, that's only happened because you did this, yeah, that's a different attitude. Now you gotta go, no. That's not you know, I can see it this way, but but if they're saying you're right. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it, but it was a reaction to this, they're actually trying to now be honest with you and say, but this gap formed for me, and I'm glad you brought this up because I realized I should have talked to you about it, but I did it and I reacted poorly.

Listen to them. Don't shut it down. And that that's a good indicator of if you won't, then you know you went in there to be right, not to make the relationship right.

Because if you went in to be right, not make the relationship right, if they say anything you did wrong, you're gonna fight them. We're not here about that. I'm not the wrong one. You're the wrong one.

So that's five. That's the trail to trust. Just kinda try to implement that and do that because that's where good relationships come from. Matter of fact, I know a lot of you said, well, Bill, have you sat here for forty nine minutes and basically told us love is blind?

Say look for the best and go you you basically for forty nine minutes gave this deeply theological

stupid joke version of love is blind. And the truth is that old statement, love is blind, is not necessarily false. Researchers studied this premise. And they weren't even Christian researchers. And what their their conclusion was exactly what this passage says. Exactly.

It's crazy. Ain't it funny when modern researchers discover something the bible's been saying for thousands of years? It's as if God knew what he was doing. And and and here's what they discovered. They did a study

because they were they looked at couples that had been together over ten years and said and you could tell they had a strong relationship. And what they discovered, they had these couples that were strong and happy and and and and and there, and these couples that were at some level of disjointed or even separated,

and they discovered both sides had the same issues. But one was had in a good marriage, one was in a bad. So like, that's weird. What's going on here? It's not the issues that are destroying it, because both sides have the issues. And and here's what they they did. When they looked at the bad unhappy relationships,

there was a complete misunderstanding of the other person. There was a disconnect. Meaning, they consistently thought the worst and assumed, and they rated them lower in categories than they actually were when they researched them on the side, talked to them. They said they consistently thought worse of the person than they were.

They didn't understand. So they theorized that the opposite that that like, you know, that that means a good relationship would probably have this opposite. They would understand the person, have realistic expectations. When they researched the healthy marriage, they found out, no, the exact opposite. They found that they

overrated each other consistently. So they still had the wrong view, but their wrong view was they chose to look for the best. They thought higher of the person than they were. And they're like, that's all the difference. Both they both had the same issues.

Both probably did not perceive their their their their their friend or their spouse in the right way, but one said consistently under, one consistently overshot it. And so you know what the conclusion of the study was? Love is blind. But to understand a little bit more, it wasn't just I don't pay attention,

I just ignore it, that's not what it is. They found this, a spouse's positive outlook is what the study said. This positive outlook of illusion created, it's what it created, an upward spiral of love. So choosing to to look for the best instead of focusing on the worst, it says that illusion created a conviction

that they really are this way, the way that they're they're looking at it differently, and that conviction led to security, which is what we're really after when we don't trust. And they said, I can actually trust myself to this person. They chose to say, I can trust. I can I can I can trust them because I feel secure?

Security then fostered intimacy, and the intimacy fostered love. And that love and intimacy fostered even though they had the same issues and the same problems. They treated each other better. They treated each other different, and they got past it.

So it wasn't just about ignoring the problem and going on. It was that whole process led to a better discussion,

which led to an open door, which led to more intimacy, which led to security, which led to more trust, which led to getting to the other side of the problems. You think your problem is the problem. The problem's not the problem. The problem is the way you handle the problem. That's the problem. And so

that's what they discovered. Now, to give a few examples here, what does that even look like? What do they mean by that? It says security, father, that is me, and then those they ended up with

their stronger marriages. Their advice, this is funny, find the most generous explanation for each other's behavior and then believe it. That's first Corinthians thirteen six. Look for the best, not for the worst.

And there are examples. So here's how examples, so you can understand this. They said, for example, here's some of the comments they got. She's not impatient. She's just intense. You're not avoiding the issues that come up with it. You're just rephrasing it. You choose to believe.

And think about that. If you're gonna go have a conversation, her her in what he's saying is, the result for him is his wife's in in intensity sometimes makes him feel like she's very short with him and impatient.

So instead of just going to her and say, see, you're a terrible selfish human being because you're so impatient because you only care about yourself. You don't care about me, and we need to talk about that. Okay. If you say it that way, how does that set up the conversation? And you know what? You always do this.

What if you go and say, listen, you are intense. I know that. You know that. I love your intensity. It's probably one of the things a weird way I was drawn to, because most of the stuff we get the most angry about is the con is the downside of the positive you liked about that person.

I can talk. I can I can be bold? My wife loves that about me unless I'm talking too much and being bold with her, then she's mad at me. What I mean? There's things you like that can go bad.

So you go, I love your intent. I love how you're intense. Especially, I I know a lot of intense moms. They're like and and and I love like, you battle for our kids. I love that. You know? I I love the intensity. But sometimes, your intensity comes off as being very short with me and impatient, and when that happens,

I feel. It makes me feel. It hurts my heart. I've learned to say that one night. It hurts my heart. Rather than say you made me mad and how wrong are you and unfair, I'm saying, hey, I'm not even saying you're evil. I'm just saying when you act this way, that hurts my heart.

How do you think that conversation is gonna go when you say it that way? They're probably gonna drop their guard. And if they don't, you start to realize, alright, we're gonna start building a boundary here. And maybe we gotta go to the next level and get a counselor involved.

Maybe the godfather needs to come in and take some knees out. I don't know.

And then it said for the a a wife, one of her comments was this, he's not insensitive, he's just focused. That's true about guys in a lot of ways. They might be being insensitive, but a lot of times you notice the insensitivity because guys like we we are terrible multitaskers.

I think it goes back to the day when you're a hunter gatherer, the the women, they had the kids. So they had to gather fruit, talk to each other, and make sure the kids don't get killed, And then the guys went out and hunted. Well, what do you have to do when you hunt? You don't talk.

I discovered that when my son and I went hunting. We were terrible at it because he's a great shot, but we never had anything to shoot at. And and and because we got you get out early in the morning, you sit somewhere, and you say nothing.

And we could not do that. So we never saw anything to shoot, because you know why? All the animals are four miles away. Those idiots are so loud. We know not to go that way.

And I and I go, because you have to be very, very focused. So think about it. Sometimes you could say, wow, you're insensitive. Well, that's how it makes you feel, but it might be a good trait gone bad.

And even if it's not, assume that. So at least if you assume that when you talk to them, you'll get their heart to engage with what your actual hurt is. Instead of phrasing it as like, you know what? I always knew. My mother warned me, and all my friends said, you are just an egotistical, self centered, insensitive jerk.

But I would like to keep our marriage together, so maybe we could talk about this. How is that gonna get any good response? Don't go nuclear. You say, I love your focus. That focus and intensity, man, you get stuff done. You get stuff done for our family, but sometimes it spills over and you leave me out

And my heart gets hurt. That's all I'm saying. I'm not judging you. I'm not trying to I'm assuming the best about you. See how that works? It's more art than science. It's not being false. It's just choosing a path that allows a bridge to be built to mind the gap. Amen? Father God, I just thank you, Lord.

I thank you that you perfectly love us, as this passage says love is. But Lord, we're kinda imperfect in this. We wrestle with it, struggle, especially this topic. So God, I just pray that for myself, for everyone in this room, anyone watching online,

that if they're struggling in any relationship with this concept, that Lord, that they would be able to take your words on how you said to approach it and just choose to let trust be the bridge between what we are expecting versus what we're experiencing, and then I pray that

the other person would choose to build that bridge as well and walk across it. Lord, help us to love the way you love. I pray this in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen. Amen.

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