You Asked For It | Part 1

You asked for it. That's right. Hey. Look. Church is fun. Right? Church is fun. But you know what? The truth is, to be theologically accurate, we're the church. So if this shirt is right,

we're fun. And and we are gonna have some fun today. And you know what I do? I have fun. I I I am so blessed. I tell you guys this all the time. I am so blessed to get to be part of this church. And if you're new here, you found a great church. It's just look around. It's filled with people that are just awesome and and it's fun. It's fun to be a part of this church. Now a lot of people have really liked this shirt and they want it, but there's only two ways you can get this shirt.

One, challenge me for the throne or the the the the more difficult or easier way is volunteer in our children's ministry because this is our kids ministry kind of shirt. So yeah,

you'll get one if you do that, they have like five different colors. I just like this looks like cardinals, so there you go. But yeah, but no no, but it's fun. And you know what? Why I I love love love being part of yours is is what a great example was last week when we did that brick thing at the end of our courage series.

If if you weren't here, we've been in a series on courage going through the story of Nehemiah where God called him to build a wall for God's glory, and we're right in the middle of God's called us to build some walls for what he's doing around here, and we're building a new building. There's a model of it out there, and how we ended this series in talking about the walls is we had an opportunity to start the first wall of the new building.

And and and then how many of you got to be part of that with the with the bricks? Yay. Yeah. And then what we did is we ended with this opportunity that if you've made a pledge to our our campaign or you're going to make a pledge, and and if you wrote a brick and didn't make a pledge,

I don't know who you are, you know who you are. Make a pledge. And and and what we did is we took these bricks. We went out there, we had a chance to grab one of these bricks, and right on the backside, which is the smooth speckled side, not this side, this side. Not this side, this side. One thing I love this church, church is fun, but a lot of you are worse than your kids when it comes to listening to instructions.

But but the idea was to write the names of your family and then at least one other name of someone you're praying that they would come to know Jesus. Because that's why we're building the building. We're putting walls up so walls can come down between god between them and the god that loves them and and so that was an opportunity and then these bricks are the ones that are going on the wall

behind the cross. If you go look at the model out there, there's gonna be another cross in front of the new building, and this is gonna be the wall right behind that cross.

And what we had, we did it out here where you get to go out there, and we put the wooden cross that's out there. That is approximately right where that cross is gonna be when this building is done. We did the same thing when we built this for building. The metal cross out here, we had a wood cross in that exact same spot when we come out here and do meetings, and now we're gonna get to do it again, and we're basically putting together the first wall. If you got to be a part of this, you're gonna be able to walk into that building, look at that cross, this is what it's about, and see the wall behind and know that you've written on the back of one of those in the name of someone you're praying for, and that is always a reminder of why we're doing it. Isn't that awesome?

That's awesome. And now here's the deal. Some of you weren't here

that you made a pledge. You're like, I missed out. Or some of you have felt convicted by this and you you want to make a pledge. But Or you wanna be a part of it. So we're always gonna have a way to do that. And that that cross is still set up out there. We have a table. We have the Sharpies. We have some bricks. So if you didn't get a chance to do it with your family, you can do that anytime you want. You can go out there after and and you can go do it. So you can still have a have a have a chance to go do that. So that is crazy. So thank you.

Thank you for your courage. Amen? And here's why I know you guys took this courage stuff so seriously. Because we asked you to turn in what you wanted to hear the next sermon series on, and you guys picked marriage.

So you are a courageous group. I'll tell you. You because And as we go through this series, just remember you asked for it. Over like 67% of our responses, almost 70% had to deal with marriage.

And and and and so that's what we're gonna talk about. We're gonna we're gonna talk about marriage, but like I said, you asked for it, but as we we kinda unpackage this this thing over the next page, we're gonna talk about what does God have to say about marriage? Because if God is who he is, if he created all and he created marriage, he has something to say about it. And so we gotta we we have to decide do we want to listen to him. But but here's what I'm gonna tell you, and especially today's.

Today I'm gonna just unpackage the what of marriage. Like when you say I do, what does that mean? You say I do, what does it mean? What does it mean to say I do? What does God mean by that was looking? And and what we're gonna hear to many of you is gonna sound crazy.

It's gonna sound a little crazy. It might even sound a little counterintuitive.

It's gonna sound like, wait. Wait. Wait. Wait. That's how to make a marriage work? That that doesn't that just doesn't feel right. That that scares me. That doesn't seem right. And I'm just warning you. It's gonna sound that way. But you know what? There's lots of things in our life that the way they're engineered to work is counterintuitive.

You realize that. Like for example, in

my marriage, the whole time I've been married, every time we get a newer car or a new car, my wife always gets the new car. I take the old car, Which I realized right there guys, if you get nothing else out of the series, apply that and your marriage might get better right there. Okay? You're the one that wants to out ride your dream car, now just give it up. Give them the new car. And so I always take the old car, and it's usually always an old car. Always pretty old. We drive cars until they fall apart. I throw the keys in it and I walk away, basically.

This time I finally got the newest car I've ever driven. When I took our V, our old CR V, it was four years old.

In my entire life this is the newest car I've ever driven. Before I got married I bought old cars. This is the newest car I've ever driven. And I was excited because it has one of those computer things in it that tells you what your gas mileage is. And loved seeing that the old truck I was driving got like nine miles to the gallon. I was excited. I watched when my wife would drive the CR V. It's like it'd always say like 25, 26, 27 miles an hour,

miles gallon and all that. So I was excited to get better gas mileage. Well since I've been driving it now for almost a year, the best I get is like 23. I'm like what does this car hate me? I'm all mad. I'm getting right now it says 21.8. I'm like what is going on? When does this tank of gas?

And I realized why am I getting such bad gas mileage? Of you I guess is not rocket science. Some of then it dawned on me why. And many of you like if it just dawned on him, have a dumb lead pastor.

Because then I realized when you buy a new car they have this sticker that says estimated gas mileage. Right? And there's two numbers. Why? One is highway, one's city. Right? So so here's the deal. Which one's higher? That doesn't seem right, does it?

Because how when you're on the highway, don't you drive a lot faster than in the city? I mean most of you, the speed limit is just a suggestion. That's the minimum. And you're definitely not going any slower than that sign says. Right? So what is it about in the last

what I understand about the mechanics of an engine, to go faster, which direction do you push the gas pedal? Down. When you pass it down, that means more gas. So why on earth, when I'm out on a highway driving massively faster than I am around city, do I get better gas mileage? I go further, faster, farther on less fuel.

That sounds counterintuitive, doesn't it? Until you understand the engineering of how engines work. And those of you who are mechanics know this, that your engine is the least efficient from zero to 30 miles an hour. That's the worst gas mileage, is that acceleration

to get through there. And when you accelerate, when you go from zero to accelerate, worst gas mileage. It takes more effort to go slower. So I realized my wife drives further distances and gets more, and we use that for trips, and we go on the freeway. That's why I got better gas mileage. I only go from my house to here and and you know to whatever food I'm gonna go eat and and stuff like that, and and so I'm always starting and stopping. I'm always zero to thirty, zero to 30. Actually, and then the other thing I do different than my wife is that acceleration piece. If I'm at a stoplight and it turns green and the speed limit's 45 miles an hour, I think the goal is how fast can I get to 45 miles an hour?

And I don't know why. I'm driving next to people, and I don't want to be behind anyone. It doesn't matter if they're driving fast. I want to be in front. So you sit next to someone, it's like, for me, every time I'm in the front row, it's like, oh, this is like a drag race.

Fortunately, don't have a car that screeches. It's a CR V. I go.

And it takes off. And that is terrible on gas mileage, but it's counterintuitive. But here's the deal. So you're saying when you drive city miles, you're constantly hitting the brakes. You're constantly have to reaccelerate. You're constantly using gas, and in the city you're basically driving in circles. On the highway

you're building momentum, you're driving further, faster, and you're actually getting somewhere. That's what we're gonna be talking about for the next few weeks. This counter intuitive idea of how to hit the gas pedal and how to avoid the stops and the constant stops and starts

that is draining so many of us in our marriages. Because you have to keep starting over at zero, and then you start to build up, and then you hit the brakes. You start to build up, and then you hit the brakes. How do we get on the highway to health?

How do we get on the highway to health? And and today, I simply just wanna start off with one verse. There is one verse I want to read that lands. This is the what

of what a marriage is and it's gonna be underwhelming to you, but I'm gonna tell you if you can learn to understand what this really means and apply this, the next few weeks we are gonna talk about a lot of practical things when it comes to the way we're wired, our temperament. We're gonna talk about how we use words and how we communicate because you know, a marriage is more like two countries coming together, know, and you gotta learn what is the language and you're gonna bring customs from your native land of where you brought in. And we're gonna unpackage all that. Now it's all gonna be really good stuff. Matter of fact, my wife's gonna be here, so you're gonna actually hear some good stuff rather than me. You're stuck with me today, but we're gonna unpackage that together and it's gonna be really awesome. But if it's not filtered through the lens of I've realized what today is,

it's just gonna be putting band aids over a gaping wound. That's all it's gonna be. And and and so I wanna unpack today with this this one verse and here it is. It's in Ephesians

chapter five and it's verse 21 and here it says this, and further submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. That's it. We're gonna get the whole what is marriage from that one verse. Now to set the context so you don't think I'm just tearing stuff out of context.

Context is king. It says and further. Why is it as further? Because the whole first part of the book of Ephesians is Paul, who's writing this, often starts off with a theological concept. It comes from who is God and how are we supposed to live in the light of who God is. What does it mean to be a follower of Jesus? Why did God create us? Why how do we live out our faith? How do we really live life the way God built us to live? So it's all theological about the who is Jesus, his love for us, how we need to trust him, and it's all the theology. And then also he transitions into okay. Now let me take what we talked about and apply it to your everyday life.

And verse 21 is the transition. And for the next the rest of this chapter, the first part, he basically says, I'm gonna tell you how to apply this to the most common relationships you have.

And that and it's three types of relationships if you go through this passage. And the first one he talks about is husbands and wife. How to be married. And what you have to understand when you read what's next, everything is filled. Everything he says after is how do you apply

that verse? The controlling statement of this verse,

that is the controlling statement for everything. So what we're gonna look at next week, the next verses, we'll get into them, when it says wives do this, husbands do that. Some of you have already read ahead or you know it or you've been in church and you're like, oh no, I'm hitting the brakes because it's gonna sound weird when what we look at next week and we talk about our wiring. That's how to apply this verse though.

And some of you are gonna be confused or some of you have heard the message that said this. What you read next is, okay, wives submit to your husbands. Guy's the boss. Let's close in prayer and get out of here. But what does this verse say? Who submits to who?

So you've probably heard wives submit to your husband. If you've been in church for any time you were dead. Did the pastor ever read this verse and tell you, husbands, what do you have to do? Submit to your wife. Wait. Wait. That's not what I heard. I thought I was the boss man. We'll unpackage that.

We'll see. But if you don't understand what this means, everything after is how to apply this. And there's two things there. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Meaning when I choose to submit to one another,

I am being like Jesus. In other words, God calls us to be Jesus in our marriage. Our marriage is God invented marriage primarily for holiness not for happiness. Now that sounds morbid. That doesn't mean you won't be happy. But if I go after holiness, I will have joy. And joy transcends happiness.

It gives you a hope and a confidence even when things aren't happy. Even when they're tough. Even when they're not working right. It goes beyond it. I've had the the joy of being married to my wife for twenty six years, and and seven of them were happy. No. I'm just joking. I'm just joking.

But in the twenty six years that I've been happily married, does that mean every day has been happy? No. But what I can say for twenty six years, my wife both have committed to trying to do what this first says.

Because this is what marriage is. So here's the big idea. Here's what I'm saying. What marriage well, according to this verse, this is what marriage is supposed to be. It says marriage is supposed to be put it up on the screen. There you go. Marriage is supposed to be a covenant of love,

not a contract of expectations. Supposed to be a covenant of love, not a contract of expectations. And what we're gonna see is this, and I'm gonna unpackage it and you'll understand it, is is is contracts exist to satisfy selfishness. Covenants exist to selflessly satisfy. Get it? Contracts exist to satisfy selfishness.

Covenants exist to selflessly satisfy. You'll understand that when we're done. So what do I mean by this? Well I want to start with what it's not first before I kind of really explain this verse and what it's saying is the first thing a marriage is not, it is not a contract. It's not a contract of expectations.

Because like I said, contracts exist to satisfy selfishness. What do mean by that? If you look in our world, when you sign a contract, it comes with expectation. Alright? When I sign this, I expect you to do this. You expect me to do that. Right? And it's an agreement. Why do we have to sign contracts?

Because both parties are inherently selfish. We really want something. I mean if we weren't naturally selfish would we ever have to actually sign a contract? Wouldn't we just agree verbally?

Hey, you do this, I'll do this. If you do that better, I'll give you this. I'll go, okay fine. I'm good. Let's do it. How how does that work out? Not really well. Because we are naturally kind of broken people. And and because of that, if we go into a marriage thinking it's a contractual agreement,

which comes with expectations. Alright. I'm contractually agreeing to do this. You're gonna do that. The problem is we do that because we live in a world, but the world's way of doing contracts is to satisfy this idea of a selfishness.

Now now to keep the guys involved, let me do a sports illustration with that. Think about the football season right now. It's weird with football contracts. You have a written contract, but yet every year we just had our running back for the Cardinals, David Johnson, sit out part of the preseason stuff, the practices. Why?

He wants a long term contract. He wants them to give him a good contract now. You know why? He's in the end of a rookie contract. Well think about it. If most of us looked at what rookie contracts are in the NFL, you would take that salary.

And if you're just coming out of college, have no idea if you can play the game, you're probably happy. It seemed like a win win. Seemed like hey, the organization wins, I win, I get to play, but all of sudden you were rated as one of the top three running backs in the game.

All of sudden that minimum salary seems like a rip off, doesn't it? So what do you want? I wanna renegotiate my contract. They're getting more than I'm getting out of it.

And so in its very nature, a contract is selfish. Even if you love your team. David Johnson sits there and he goes, he didn't set out all that. He says, I'm not gonna be a distraction. I don't want my teammates to think I'm a selfish jerk, so I am gonna come in and play. I'm Guys, you can't blame him. That's how the game works. Everybody

innately knows the contract is about trying to get the best for me.

And what they try to do is get the win win. Right? And that's what Dave hey, he loves the Cardinals. He wants to play. The Cardinals love him. We wanna take care of him. But you know what? In the end of the day, I want him to win. We wanna win. But here's the problem with those contracts. You know that every time you sign a contract, if you've been watching sports shows, some of you guys are already turning it on to watch a sports show right now, and and and you can see they always analyze contracts. Who was the winner of that contract?

They always look at it because the reality is you say it's for win win, but here's the deal. Every contract comes with, hey, I want you to win too, but I wanna win, but I want my win to have the capital w. Your win is the small w. Meaning I wanna win a little more than you. I don't want you to lose.

I want it to be a good deal for you. I just want the better deal for me. And the truth is that's exactly how our nature works even in marriage. So we If we think of our marriage as a contract,

we will go in and we want the negotiations to work a little bit better for me. And that that doesn't mean you don't love your spouse. Here's what I mean by this. Look. Look. It says turn to a passage in James chapter four. I'm gonna read three more verses for today and that's it. James four describes

where fighting comes from. So you end up in these contract battles and stuff because we naturally have a selfishness and we're trying to negotiate our best contract for us. Look what it says. James chapter four. What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Isn't it your mom?

Alright. You're paying attention. No. It says don't they come from the evil desires at war within you? What is he talking about? These evil desires. These selfish desires. See the opposite of love isn't hate. It's selfishness. So you can't be selfish and truly love the way the bible describes love at the same time.

And a contract is trying to do those at the same time. Contracts are how do I express that I do care about you but I need to get all I want. Contracts are an attempt to satisfy both ends' selfishness the best they can.

And the problem is we have this war, and the war means that there's gotta be good interest inside. So when it says selfish, it's not this selfish that says I don't really care about you at all. It says there's a war going on. Like I may want what's right and good, but there's still that part of me that wants what I want.

And he's saying that that's where all fights truly come from. We are born into that in a broken world. Did you know that? You are born selfish naturally.

That even though you have these other condes, you grew up and were taught well, you know the Lord, you might have those other desires that a war with. Like I know I need to love. I know I need to sacrifice. I care about my spouse. I care about this. I care about But I really ultimately, at the heart of hearts, care about me more.

And if you don't believe me, somebody like, no, that's not true. That's not me. I go, if you don't believe me, you know what you are? You're not a parent. If you had a kid, you would know what I'm saying is true. We are born naturally caring about ourselves more.

Like babies, do they care if it's time for you to sleep? No. But you're like, well they're babies. Their brain isn't formed. Well, how many have a 16 year old?

But oh, know, guess what? Mom and dad, you're the same. We've just grown better at scheming and hiding it. Because that's what it says here. It says, you know what? You Look what it says. It's it's you want what you don't have, so you scheme and kill to get it. We become better schemers.

We do better contracts in our life. We try to We wage the battle against the selfishness, but we are no different than our kids. You are born naturally wanting more. When you apply that to a marriage,

you think, well I'm not scheming or trying to kill. I really do care about my spouse. It's true. You probably You could really really love them, but if you don't own the fact that at your very core you want

best for them, better for them, but you want best for you, you it'd be like to use a sports illustration. You say, no. I really love. I care about my spouse. I want them on the podium right next to me. Me getting gold, them getting silver.

Matter of fact, when we're running the race I don't want them to get bronze. I don't want them to turn their ankle and fail. I want them to win. I wanna be holding their hand as I cross the line just in front of them. They're right there with me, but I'm just a little bit ahead of them.

That's what it's saying. We naturally want to do. That's the war. I want what's best for you but I really really really in my heart am more worried about me. I like the win win. I don't want you to lose but I want the capital w.

And when that doesn't happen, it says we will scheme and kill. Scheme's obvious. I see it all the time in marriages. Passive aggressiveness, arguing. We'll sit out at training camps. We'll be like, well if you're not doing that I won't do this. Because you know what you're really saying? We need a contract negotiation

and I don't like the way the contract's going. And it says I'll kill, and you're like I haven't killed my spouse yet, or you can't prove it. And the truth is that does happen. People do get the level of killing. But Jesus said even to have anger and rage and lack of forgiveness in your heart is murdering them in your heart.

So when we get frustrated, and a lot of you are at the point the schemes haven't worked, the fights have turned into in your hearts you're murdering each other. And it comes from this contract view. The contract view.

Because look what it says. It says you don't have so you scheme and kill to get it. You're jealous of what others have, but you can't get it, so you fight and wage war to take it away from them. That happens all the time. That's like that person's climbing out. You have people around you that are doing it well, and you kind of look and you even though you might not say it out loud to your spouse, but I wish my spouse was more like that.

And then it says, you know, but you can't get it so you try to take it away. That's where you start to go, well they're not all that cracked up. And the way to make yourself, to try to feel good about yourself is to say, well they're terrible too.

I don't want you getting out of the pit, so I'm gonna suck you down with me.

You know a real practical way what we do when it says you try to take it away from them? You know how many times I I have talked to people that here there's this person's in a bad marriage. They really get attracted to someone who's in a good marriage, and then there ends up being an affair. It ends up happening. And what's crazy is the person in the bad marriage that's attracted to the good marriage, they're attracted to the very things that they destroyed the second that person agreed to have an affair.

You you liked their faithfulness. You liked their love. You liked their care. Well if you go down a road and you end up doing that together, you just destroyed the very thing you were attracted to. That sounds crazy. Happens all the time. It happens in this church. You know why?

Because we're people and we're crazy, and that's what this passage is saying. We all are broken and we naturally are selfish. And if we approach our marriage as, you know the only way I'm gonna be married is I gotta just figure out how to have a good contract, you're never gonna get to what God meant it to be.

You're gonna miss it.

Because look what it says. He goes, yet you don't have what you want because you don't ask God for it. So he goes, you gotta go to the Lord for it. Now some of you are like, no, you got me Bill. There you go. I'm in a marriage that's been tough, and I pray all the time for my marriage. I pray all the time, and it's still not happening. So that's not true. God doesn't really give me what I what I want. But just maybe, maybe don't hate the player, hate the game.

It says verse three, and even when you ask, you don't get it because your motives are all wrong. You want only what will give you pleasure. You know what he's saying there? He's saying even when you do pray about it, what you're really asking God for is a better contract.

Be honest about the way you pray for your the tough things in your marriage. Are you praying for or are you praying on your spouse? P r e y. Are you trying to weaponize your prayer? When you think about praying for your spouse, is all about what you need them to do for you?

Is your prayers for your marriage all about you being happy? That's what he's talking about. He goes it's not gonna work. That's not how it works. Here's the problem with contractual marriage. It's a false love. You know why? It's conditional. It's conditional. Contract love is a conditional love.

Meaning I'll love you as long as you you do this. I'll love as long as you meet my expectation. I'll love you as long as this happens. I'll love you And we see it all the time in sports.

The beloved player on a team, everyone loves them until they're not producing anymore. That's like, you know, we need to move on. We we love that coach. We're not winning. We need a new coach. We love that player. We love them. Love Guys, you get it? There's there's guys there there's guys in this room right now that you are wearing a jersey with another man's name on the back of it.

That's weird. Some of you last or like some of you, your your wife is wearing a jersey with another man's name on it. That should be more weird to you.

But think about it. You'll buy these and you know what? What's the most popular jersey? The best player at the time. What happens when they fade? You want the newer guy. See that that you loved them. They loved you. Everyone loved this player until they weren't producing.

And now you're like, oh, we're stuck with this overpriced contract.

Everyone's like, is Zach Cranky ever gonna be good again? Why do we pay him so much money? See what I mean? We love them as long as they produce. That's a good addition to love. The problem is how many of that's what you innately went into your marriage thinking it is?

Here's the problem with that conditional love and that is when you contractually meet an expectation. It doesn't count. When you do an act of love and a contract, it doesn't count. You know why? It's the ultimate pass fail.

You either, well yeah, you did that, but of course that's what you're supposed to do. That's what's expected.

So you get There's no extra credit. There's no all star team. There's no good job. There's no Scooby snack. It's just like, you know, hey, you know what? Why should I be happy you came home last night? A husband's supposed to come home at night. Know? Now that's an extreme stupid example, but but what I'm talking about is we we have an expectation that if you either pass or fail. You either meet expectation,

but oh we get mad when you don't meet expectation. So it seems like if the contract's being met, we're just okay. But what happens when you feel like it's not happening? Now we're mad. Now we become historical. Not hysterical, historical. We go back and remember every time we've given and didn't get. We we

become baseball statisticians folks. Baseball has a stat for everything. You're like my sacrifice

to being sacrificed for ratio is like 10 to one. I'm leading the league. I'm the most sacrificial spouse on the planet. And you know what you're really saying? We need to re talk. We need to renegotiate our contract right now. Does that make sense? Because that's kinda what happens.

We we we want that, and and it really comes down to this idea of expectations. And what they say is expectations are actually planned resentments. Resentments. See when we come into a marriage with absolute expectation, I expect this or I'm not happy. You're gonna have a problem. Think about it. Ladies,

those of you that get married or hoping to get married, you have an expectation, and one of them, just let me pick one, one of your expectations is probably I want a romantic story. I want there to be romance in my marriage, right? That's what you expect.

Guys figure that out. They're pretty good at romancing when you're dating. You just expect it's gonna keep happening. You know what you didn't expect? Was a few years down the road after a couple kids, to you romance was you didn't expect him to come home, want to go sit on the couch silently watching sports,

shutting his brain off, going to his nothing place, asking you is there anything for dinner? And then when you go to bed, hey, you want to have some fun? Church ain't the only thing that's fun.

And you're like, really? Really? You didn't expect that? But guess what guys? You had some expectation too. And ladies, I'm gonna tell you something. Contrary to what you think, we expect romance too. We expect romance too. The guy expected to come home, be able to sit quietly on the couch, ask about dinner,

and then have sex with you every night. See? He wanted romance also.

It's a joke.

That's absurdly exaggerated, but there's truth in that. What I'm saying is we have expectations, and sometimes even for the same word.

We'll talk about that. We'll talk about that. What an expectation is, even when we say the same word like Roma, it can come out very different. We're wired really different. We can manage that if we understand that the expectation in the first place is the problem.

Because for example, I joked about the sex, but think about it. We're going see later on. It's like, see, you have this expectation. The way a woman's wired is when you think about sex to a woman, it mainly is this idea of, hey, the woman can use a guy illustration so the guys will understand. It's a hard fought

drive that ends in a touchdown. Sex is after a hard fought, we've done this, we've worked through life, we've done the kids, we've committed to one another, you've sacrificed, it's been hard, and now we've scored this touchdown. Now sex is that end zone celebration and spiking the ball at a job well done.

That's what sex is. To a guy, it's the kickoff. Alright, let's get this game started. There we go. That's where we'll start. Now we'll go play the game. See, there's stuff like that.

We can talk about that and sort through that, and you can have better conversations about that, but that's really not the truest heart of the problem. Because then you'll solve that, but guess what? If you still think of your marriage as a contract with expectations, that might get solved.

Article three on the contract, we decided what the base pay is. Now let's talk about bonuses. Now let's talk about You're gonna find something else, and you will find out that at some point, especially with our own innate selfishness, We always feel we're getting slighted slightly.

If you ask husbands and wife, I don't care how long you've been married, who works harder? Privately, secretly, and we will not give this back to them. You will hear from both sides. Everyone thinks they work harder. You just do.

That's because of this innate selfishness that breeds expectation. It doesn't work. It leads to quarrels and fights, and it won't happen. So back to this idea idea of in in Ephesians where it says submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. It's basically saying be Jesus.

And you have to understand that what is challenging our marriage to be is a covenant. See where contracts are satisfying selfishness, covenants are about selflessly satisfying. In other words, where a contract is fiftyfifty, meaning, hey, if you don't uphold your end, I don't have to uphold my end. Breach of contract.

Covenant is one where you say, I'm going all in no matter what. And a covenant, when I say to assess, it's about being selflessly satisfying.

In a contract, you're worried about what you're gonna get. Yeah, I'll negotiate. I'll give, but I'm about what I get. A covenant is where I focus on wanting to give. So what does it mean? What am I laying down? What am I submitting? Here's the bottom line. The way God intends marriage to work is I submit my expectations

in order to pick up your hopes and dreams. I submit what I want and go after what you need. In other words, the big the win, for you in a marriage and a covenant, the win is when my spouse gets what they need, not when I get what I need.

I pick up their hopes and dreams, and so my win is not when I am happy and I have my own needs satisfied. The win is when they get theirs. That's what winning is according to scripture. That's what it means. And only when two people do that do you get two capital w's. That's the only way it works.

Submitting my selfish, my expectations for their needs. Will I go after it? Now now let me give you a qualifier real quick before we shut this down because going after their hopes and dreams and what they need never involves abuse.

So if someone's saying they want you to thank you sir, may have another, and stay in an abusive marriage, go well you know what, you're supposed to sacrificially love me no matter what. That is scheming

because the idea is what you go after for them is not abuse. You don't stay and take abuse. Even Jesus said, hey, I'll love you even if you run from me. If get involved, we're not gonna be fellowshipping very much.

There are boundaries. Don't get me wrong, but I'm saying in the day to day relationship that hasn't gone over into this world, but it's just the idea that we're unhappy, we're always fighting, the way you correct is you say, hey, my job, my win is when I go after what you need.

Instead of sitting there thinking about what kind of wife, if you're not married, instead of thinking about if you're a guy, what kind of wife do I want? You need to spend more time figuring out what kind of husband you're supposed to be and vice versa. And go after that.

And now I get it. That's the counter intuitive part. So you're saying that and I do that regardless of if they go after my hopes the same way? Yes. You're like, well now that sounds weird. Here's the counter intuitive.

That sounds like it won't work. You know what that sounds like? That sounds like I'm gonna do a lot of giving and not a lot of getting, and that's gonna be a depressing life. That sounds crazy. Matter of fact, a lot of you are like maybe that works for someone else, but you know what? You don't know my spouse.

If you look up crazy on Wikipedia, their picture is right there,

and they're crazy selfish. They're not abusive. They just don't care. They care about themself, and if I go do that, I'm gonna be giving. I'm gonna be doing what they want, and I'm gonna get nothing out of this. You don't get it. It's it's like so crazy, but can I just tell you something? That was the point of marriage. What he says to out of reverence for Christ, it says marriage is supposed to help us understand who Jesus is. Marriage is supposed to be a chance for us to be Jesus for someone and see Jesus in someone. Marriage is supposed to be like his relationship with us. It's a visual picture.

Marriage is about holiness more than happiness, but that brings a joy, not just temporary happiness. Marriage is supposed to picture Jesus, and Jesus even describes the relationship with us as the church in marriage terms. You know what he said? He's the bride bridegroom.

We are the bride. Right? The church is the bride of Christ. And in that relationship, in that marriage, wasn't one of them really crazy?

Isn't one of them in that relationship the person that's aptly unfaithful all the time? Isn't there one of them the one that says, hey, once a week I might come and listen a little bit and raise my hand and sing a song. That's the equivalent of I'll bring flowers and say I love you, but the rest of the week I'm not gonna do anything you want me to do. I'm gonna do whatever I want to do. One of us in that relationship is selfish and self centered and unfaithful

and unloyal and unloving so much, and one is absolutely 100% faithful to the point of even in our unfaithfulness, he says, I am going to die for you. Which one is which in that story? Who's the faithful one? Jesus. Who's crazy? We are. You're called to be Jesus. We're called to love crazy with a crazy love.

And here's why it's counterintuitive. You think well that's just gonna make life horrible. If anything, if you're single, I'd probably just talk you out of even trying to get married.

You realize if you're in a tough time in your marriage where it feels like the contract isn't going well, you realize that kind of covenantal love is the only thing that will ever get you to the better place. It's your only hope. It's your only hope because the contract thing will never get you happy.

That's what many of you have done. You've gone to counseling and it gets better for a little while because you know why? You get an arbiter, you do contract arbitration,

you talk, and you come to a new agreement. Okay, think this contract will be a little bit better, and then you leave, you start doing the contract, but eventually his self interest comes back in and you fight again. It'll never work if you don't submit to one another. That's how God created relationships to work.

So the question is, will you listen? Will you have the courage to say I'm gonna submit. I'm gonna put down my expectations and consider a win by going after their hopes and dreams. And if you've been married for more than thirty minutes, you probably know without being told

the deepest hopes of your spouse's heart. And if you don't, probably have communication problems. That'd be a good place to start. We'll talk about that because in the end, can I do that? Will I do that? Because you know what it reminds me of is is ultimately there is one key

that'll enable you to do this. You will never submit to one another if you haven't submitted to Jesus. If you don't submit your life and will to that of Jesus, it'll never work because you just won't trust him. You won't listen to him. You gotta submit to him first and and when I think about this, I think about growing up,

it kinda reminds me the absurdity of how many of us act in this moment. Well, it just sounds counterintuitive. I don't know if I can do this. I'm really scared of really loving my spouse and maybe not getting anything in return. I'm terrified about it. I get it. Sounds weird.

But man, when I was growing up, my dad taught me how to pitch. You might not know who my dad. My dad was a great pitcher. He played, he signed a professional contract before he was even 17. World War two is the reason you never heard of him. But he was good.

And he taught me how to pitch growing up. And when I'd grow up and I'd get in kind of stuck, it wasn't working right for me, all my life, even off into college. This happened the last time in college. The last time I pitched was as a college pitcher. I would occasionally get into some kind of funk and I'd call him up, hey dad can you help me? And he would come and start to try to work for me. And bear in mind, I asked for it. I asked him for his help. And he would come and watch and then he'd say okay, here's what's going on. Because he knew me and he knew pitching.

And yet, if he told me to do something that sounded counterintuitive, I go that doesn't sound right.

And I'd argue with him a little bit. He goes, just try it. So then you throw out a few pitches, and whenever you try something new that doesn't sound right to you, it's awkward. And I go, this feels awkward. Doesn't feel right. And I go and think this is gonna work in the game. He goes, you just gotta commit. You just gotta keep doing it. You just give it time. Watch. You're not And I wanna go back to the other way. And he goes, how's that working for you? It's not gonna work. This is your only hope. You gotta trust me. And and next thing you know it's like I would start fighting with them. And then I had a son just like me. So

what goes around comes around. And so then we're fighting. And I'm actually fighting with the guy who I asked to come help me with my pitching who knows pitching better than me, and knows me my whole life, and now I'm arguing about how I can't do that. That's not gonna work. Maybe in principle that works for other people, but that's not gonna work for me. Can't we try this, and I wanted something else, and he would argue and argue. Finally, we get into this point of the argument that my dad, the cross I had to bear, the burden of the father I had, was he always had the greatest shutdown come back ever to these arguments.

He would finally get so fed up. He goes, son,

who struck out Ted Williams? And who's arguing with the guy who struck out Ted Williams? Now, maybe not a lot of baseball fans in this room. Ted Williams is considered the greatest hitter of all time.

Greatest hitter of all time. And my dad, when he was 17 years old, struck him out twice in the same game in a season Ted Williams only struck out 11 times all year. So when he said who struck out Ted Williams, what he was saying is, what do you know about this game compared to me?

I have been at the peak and the highest of the highest.

I was up there with the greats. He didn't see that to be arrogant. What he's trying to do is absurdly put me in a position to realize you asked me for my help because of who I am and the fact that I know this game and I've been a place you've never been. You've been a place I never got to.

And he says, why are you arguing? Who did this and who's arguing with the one who did this? I am telling you that sounds weird, but that is what many of you are gonna walk out of this room and you're already doing it in your heart right now.

Who created the universe? Who created you? Who created your spouse? Who created marriage? And who wants to sit there struggling in failure and argue with the one who created it all. You know why I would argue with my dad? I was scared and it felt weird. Some of you are gonna wrestle and argue with this because you're scared.

That's okay. But what you have to do this week, my challenge and I'm done, is just decide in your heart. Is God who he says he is? Did he do what he said he did? Did he make you? Did he create marriage? And he has something to say about it. And if he does, are you gonna actually listen to him?

Or are you gonna keep arguing with the one who created you and marriage? It's up to you because you can't submit to him. Everything we're gonna talk about this the rest of this time is never gonna truly work. It might make things feel better for a while, but it'll never get you to what marriage is supposed to be.

And just remember, you asked for this. Father God, I thank you, Lord. I thank you that you do care for us and you love us. And lord that that that when we look at marriage, we thought it was this contracting where I give a little and I get a lot and

it was really about my own pleasure and my own fulfillment but lord, that's not what it's about. It's about a picture of you. You've challenged us to covenant to go 100% all in in loving someone like you loved us. And Lord, even if we don't seem like we get that love back, we understand what your love is like for us is.

We draw closer to you. But Lord, I pray that if people would understand to do this, that they'll get something, they'll get past just unhappiness. They'll even get past just being happy. That we'll get to this place called joy of living out relationships the way they're meant to be.

So Lord, I I pray that we would all get on that highway to health, that we would all just first and foremost simply decide this in our heart. I will submit to you, Jesus. You are my Lord. You're my savior. You are my creator. And you're the one that created marriage and my spouse and my future spouse, my potential spouse,

my former spouse. And maybe you know what you're talking about. So I'm gonna listen to you. That's my prayer for each one of us in this room. And Lord, I specifically pray. There's some people in this room that aren't even married yet, and I'm fearful that this is just gonna make them decide not to.

But God, that's okay. Not everyone has to get married. But Lord, I pray that they would see that there's something more beautiful on the other side of this than what they expect marriage to be.

And Lord, I pray for those who are maybe happily married and already get this and they think, wow, this really is nothing for me. I'm a grandparent. I've been married for forever. I love my spouse and and and they love me.

Lord, I just pray that maybe they would see in this moment that not all messages are just about what's for them, but maybe what you wanna do through them in the life of someone else.

Lord, I pray for the ones in this room that are having a hard go of it in marriage. That they could see the hope from making a covenant of love and get out of the contract negotiations.

But Lord, I pray specifically and especially for those in this room that maybe it feels like it's too late. They've already got a break in their marriage that's so severe it's not coming back or it's already gone.

And that Lord that they look at this kind of series and say this is just gonna be a few every week reminder of brokenness and failure, or even if they felt like they didn't fail, or the pain and frustration and anger over the failure on someone else's part, Lord, that I pray that instead of seeing it that way,

they can come and see the hope of what you wanted marriage to be a picture of. And that's your absolute sacrificial love. And that Lord that instead of wallowing in the brokenness, you will help those who are struggling to see past it and get healing and move beyond that pain and into a future with you.

But Lord, in the end, I pray that we all would submit to you in order to submit to one another in our relationships. I pray this all in the mighty name of Jesus. Amen.