You Asked For It | Part 1

The big idea

Marriage as God designed it is a covenant of love where you win by pursuing your spouse's needs, not a contract of expectations where you're trying to win for yourself.

Marriage isn't a business deal where both sides negotiate for the best outcome for themselves — that kind of contract thinking only breeds resentment and fights. God designed marriage to be a covenant like Christ's relationship with the church: total, selfless, all-in love that pursues the other person's good, and that kind of love is only possible when we've first submitted our lives to Jesus.

Point 1 of 7

Pastor Bill reads Ephesians 5:21, "and further submit to one another out of reverence for Christ," and explains that this verse is the hinge of the whole book of Ephesians, turning from theology into practical application. He notes that everything Paul says next about husbands and wives is simply an application of this one command, and points out that many people have only ever heard "wives submit to your husbands" preached, without hearing that husbands are called to submit too.

Point 2 of 7

He states the big idea plainly: contracts exist to satisfy selfishness, while covenants exist to selflessly satisfy. A contract comes with expectations and a fifty-fifty mindset — if you don't hold up your end, I don't have to hold up mine — while a covenant means going all in no matter what.

Point 3 of 7

Turning to James 4, Pastor Bill shows that quarrels and fights come from evil desires warring inside us, not simply from what our spouse does. He illustrates this with a David Johnson/NFL contract negotiation story and notes that even our prayers for our marriage can just be requests for a better deal — praying "on" our spouse rather than for them.

Point 4 of 7

He compares this to sports fans loving a player only as long as he produces, or wearing another man's jersey until a better player comes along. When love is contractual, meeting an expectation earns no credit, but failing to meet it brings resentment, and couples become historians who keep score of every sacrifice made.

Point 5 of 7

Using a humorous illustration about dating romance versus married-life realities, and a football analogy contrasting how a wife and husband can each feel sex is "the touchdown celebration" versus "the kickoff," he shows how differing expectations breed disappointment even when both sides technically want the same thing.

Point 6 of 7

He defines the covenant move as submitting your expectations in order to pick up your spouse's hopes and dreams, submitting what you want in order to go after what they need. He clarifies this never means tolerating abuse, but describes a marriage where both spouses focus on giving rather than getting, mirroring Christ's relationship with the church, where Jesus remains faithful even when we are not.

Point 7 of 7

Pastor Bill tells the story of arguing with his father, a former professional pitcher who struck out Ted Williams twice, over counterintuitive pitching advice, and his father's rebuke: "who struck out Ted Williams?" He applies this directly: we argue with God about His counterintuitive design for marriage instead of trusting the One who created marriage, us, and our spouse.

Take it into your week

Pastor Bill's challenge is to stop arguing with the God who created marriage and decide instead to submit to Him.