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You Asked For It | Part 1 · Rewind

Rock Point Church

69 min

Pastor Bill Bush · Aug 27, 2018 · 4 min read · 69 min listen

The big idea

Marriage as God designed it is a covenant of love where you win by pursuing your spouse's needs, not a contract of expectations where you're trying to win for yourself.

In this message

The big idea
Point 1 of 7Marriage begins with one controlling verse: submit to one another.
Point 2 of 7Marriage is meant to be a covenant of love, not a contract of expectations.

Point 3 of 7Our fights come from the selfishness at war within us, not just from our spouse.
Point 4 of 7Contractual love is conditional, and conditional love never truly counts.
Point 5 of 7Expectations are planned resentments, and even good desires like romance are experienced differently by husbands and wives.
Point 6 of 7The win in a covenant marriage is when your spouse gets what they need, not when you get what you need.
Point 7 of 7You cannot submit to your spouse until you've first submitted to Jesus.
Take it into your week
Transcript

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Scripture in this message

Ephesians 5:21
James 4
James 4:1
James 4:3

Rewind AI drafted the Big Idea and some point headings shown here from the sermon transcript. Always trust the sermon itself over anything here. How Rewind uses AI

Pastor Bill Bush · Aug 27, 2018 · 69 min watch · 2 min read

You Asked For It | Part 1

In this message

Big Idea
Key points
Application

Scripture in this message

Ephesians 5:21
James 4
James 4:1
James 4:3

Big Idea Key points Application

Big Idea

Marriage as God designed it is a covenant of love where you win by pursuing your spouse's needs, not a contract of expectations where you're trying to win for yourself.

Marriage isn't a business deal where both sides negotiate for the best outcome for themselves — that kind of contract thinking only breeds resentment and fights. God designed marriage to be a covenant like Christ's relationship with the church: total, selfless, all-in love that pursues the other person's good, and that kind of love is only possible when we've first submitted our lives to Jesus.

Key points

1
1Marriage begins with one controlling verse: submit to one another.
Pastor Bill reads Ephesians 5:21, "and further submit to one another out of reverence for Christ," and explains that this verse is the hinge of the whole book of Ephesians, turning from theology into practical application. He notes that everything Paul says next about husbands and wives is simply an application of this one command, and points out that many people have only ever heard "wives submit to your husbands" preached, without hearing that husbands are called to submit too.
2
2Marriage is meant to be a covenant of love, not a contract of expectations.
He states the big idea plainly: contracts exist to satisfy selfishness, while covenants exist to selflessly satisfy. A contract comes with expectations and a fifty-fifty mindset — if you don't hold up your end, I don't have to hold up mine — while a covenant means going all in no matter what.
3
3Our fights come from the selfishness at war within us, not just from our spouse.
Turning to James 4, Pastor Bill shows that quarrels and fights come from evil desires warring inside us, not simply from what our spouse does. He illustrates this with a David Johnson/NFL contract negotiation story and notes that even our prayers for our marriage can just be requests for a better deal — praying "on" our spouse rather than for them.
4
4Contractual love is conditional, and conditional love never truly counts.
He compares this to sports fans loving a player only as long as he produces, or wearing another man's jersey until a better player comes along. When love is contractual, meeting an expectation earns no credit, but failing to meet it brings resentment, and couples become historians who keep score of every sacrifice made.
5
5Expectations are planned resentments, and even good desires like romance are experienced differently by husbands and wives.
Using a humorous illustration about dating romance versus married-life realities, and a football analogy contrasting how a wife and husband can each feel sex is "the touchdown celebration" versus "the kickoff," he shows how differing expectations breed disappointment even when both sides technically want the same thing.
6
6The win in a covenant marriage is when your spouse gets what they need, not when you get what you need.
He defines the covenant move as submitting your expectations in order to pick up your spouse's hopes and dreams, submitting what you want in order to go after what they need. He clarifies this never means tolerating abuse, but describes a marriage where both spouses focus on giving rather than getting, mirroring Christ's relationship with the church, where Jesus remains faithful even when we are not.
7
7You cannot submit to your spouse until you've first submitted to Jesus.
Pastor Bill tells the story of arguing with his father, a former professional pitcher who struck out Ted Williams twice, over counterintuitive pitching advice, and his father's rebuke: "who struck out Ted Williams?" He applies this directly: we argue with God about His counterintuitive design for marriage instead of trusting the One who created marriage, us, and our spouse.

Application

Pastor Bill's challenge is to stop arguing with the God who created marriage and decide instead to submit to Him.

Trade contract thinking for covenant love
Stop keeping score of who gives more and start submitting your own expectations so you can pursue what your spouse actually needs, whether or not they do the same for you.
Examine what you're really praying for your marriage
Ask honestly whether your prayers for your spouse are for their good or are really requests for a better deal that makes you happier.
Decide if God is who He says He is
Settle in your heart this week whether God created you, your spouse, and marriage itself, and whether He has something true to say about how it should work.
Choose to submit to Jesus first
Before you can submit to your spouse, submit your life and will to Jesus as Lord, trusting His counterintuitive design even when it feels risky or unfamiliar.

Take it into your week

Rewind AI contributed study material from the sermon transcript; church-authored wording and verified sermon quotes keep their own source. Always trust the sermon itself over anything here. How Rewind uses AI

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Scripture in this message

From the transcript
“I wanna unpack today with this this one verse and here it is. It's in Ephesians chapter five and it's verse 21 and here it says this, and further submit to one another out of reverence for Christ”
Read the whole chapter →
From the transcript
“turn to a passage in James chapter four. I'm gonna read three more verses for today and that's it. James four describes where fighting comes from”
From the transcript
“Look what it says. James chapter four. What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Isn't it your mom? Alright. You're paying attention. No. It says don't they come from the evil desires at war within you”
From the transcript
“It says verse three, and even when you ask, you don't get it because your motives are all wrong. You want only what will give you pleasure”
From the transcript
“back to this idea idea of in in Ephesians where it says submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. It's basically saying be Jesus”

Rewind AI contributed study material from the sermon transcript; church-authored wording and verified sermon quotes keep their own source. Always trust the sermon itself over anything here. How Rewind uses AI

7-day devotional

A personal reading plan from this message — scripture, reflection, and prayer for each day.

Sign in to track your progress through this devotional.

Day 1

The sermon opened here, and it's worth sitting with this single verse before moving anywhere else. 'Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.' Five words carry the whole weight: out of reverence for Christ. The motivation for mutual submission isn't a personality type, a marriage style, or even a strong desire to get along. It is a response to who Jesus is. That reframes everything. If submission in marriage were simply a strategy for keeping the peace, it would collapse the moment keeping the peace stopped feeling worth it. But if it flows from reverence — from a genuine recognition that Jesus is Lord of your life and your marriage — then it holds even when the relationship is hard. The sermon made the case that God designed marriage, which means He isn't a bystander offering suggestions. He is the architect. And the cornerstone of His design isn't a fair exchange of effort; it's the kind of love that lays itself down. Before the week goes any further, it's worth asking: do I actually believe Jesus has the authority to shape how I love my spouse? That question isn't meant to produce guilt. It's meant to open a door. Because if the answer is yes — even a hesitant yes — everything else in this devotional has somewhere to land.

For reflection

When you think about your marriage (or your future marriage), does 'reverence for Christ' feel like the real foundation, or does it feel more like a principle you agree with in theory? What would change if it moved from theory to practice?

Pray

Pray for an honest look at whether reverence for Christ is genuinely shaping how you love — and for the courage to let it.

Day 2

The sermon turned to James 4 to name something most of us would rather not say out loud: every person naturally enters a relationship wanting the better deal. James is blunt about it. Quarrels and fights come from desires battling inside us. We want something, we don't get it, and the conflict that follows feels like it's about the other person — but James says look inward first. That's not a comfortable diagnosis, but it is a freeing one. If the root of marital conflict were primarily the other person's failure, the only solution would be changing them. But if the root is the self-centered desires each of us carries into the room, then there's actually something we can do about it. The pastor described this as treating marriage like a contract — a negotiation where you track who's giving more and nurse resentment when the ledger feels uneven. James would recognize that pattern immediately. He'd call it exactly what it is: wanting and not having, fighting and quarreling, asking with wrong motives. The good news buried in James's hard words is that God gives grace to the humble (James 4:6). Naming the self-centeredness isn't the end of the story. It's the beginning of a better one.

For reflection

Where do you notice yourself keeping score in your closest relationships — tracking effort, cataloguing disappointments, or waiting for the other person to move first?

Pray

Pray for the humility to look inward before looking outward, and for grace to be honest about what you find.

Day 3

Yesterday James named the problem — self-centered desire driving conflict. Today the same chapter offers the turn. 'God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.' It would be easy to read that as a warning and stop there, but the weight of the verse is actually in the second half. Grace to the humble. Not grace to the people who have perfectly figured out selflessness, but grace to the ones willing to bow. The sermon made the point that covenantal love — the kind that pursues a spouse's deepest hopes and dreams rather than your own agenda — is not something a person generates through sheer willpower. It requires a kind of death to self that doesn't come naturally. That's exactly where grace comes in. Humility, in the Bible's use of the word, isn't thinking poorly of yourself. It's an accurate assessment: I need help I cannot manufacture. When a husband or wife reaches that conclusion about their own marriage — I cannot love this person the way they deserve to be loved without something beyond myself — they are in exactly the posture God meets. The contract mindset says, 'I'll give when I get.' The covenant mindset says, 'I need grace, and I'm going to ask for it.' That posture changes things.

For reflection

Is there a specific area of your marriage or close relationships where you've been trying to power through on your own rather than asking God for grace? What would it look like to bring that to Him honestly today?

Pray

Pray for a humble posture — not a defeated one — and for the grace God promises to those who ask for it.

Day 4

The sermon described marriage as a picture — one party unfaithful and selfish, the other loving sacrificially to the point of death. That picture is the gospel, and Ephesians 5 paints it in full color. Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her. He didn't wait for her to get it together first. He didn't negotiate terms. He moved toward her at the cost of everything. The pastor's point was that this is the model for covenant love in marriage: not a fair exchange but a laying-down. Now, this passage has been misread and misused enough that it's worth being careful. The call to Christlike sacrifice isn't a call for one spouse to absorb harm while the other demands it. It's a call for both spouses — rooted in verse 21's mutual submission — to compete in self-giving rather than in self-protection. What the sermon pressed on is the question of whose win you're chasing. In a contract marriage, your win is your own satisfaction. In a covenant marriage, your win is your spouse's flourishing. Jesus modeled the second one without reservation. The invitation today is simple but not easy: in one concrete area, what would it look like to make your spouse's flourishing your actual goal?

For reflection

What are your spouse's (or, if unmarried, a close person's) deepest hopes or longings right now — and how much of your relational energy is currently aimed at those versus your own needs?

Pray

Pray for eyes to genuinely see your spouse's hopes and dreams, and for the willingness to make them your pursuit.

Day 5

Paul continues the passage by saying a husband who loves his wife loves himself — because the two have become one. That logic sounds simple until you sit with it. In a contract marriage, the self and the spouse are two separate scorecards. In a covenant marriage, the two are so intertwined that what honors the other person genuinely honors you, and what diminishes them diminishes you too. The sermon's challenge was personal and direct: this week, decide in your heart whether God is who He says He is. He created you, your spouse, and marriage itself. If that's true, then the design He gave isn't an imposition — it's a gift. And the gift isn't just for your spouse's benefit. It's for yours. This is where the sermon's call to stop arguing with God and start listening becomes very practical. The contract mindset argues: 'Why should I give more when they give less?' The covenant mindset, shaped by this passage, says: 'We are one. Their flourishing and mine are not in competition.' That shift doesn't happen by trying harder. It happens when both people have submitted — individually and together — to the One who designed the whole thing. That's the foundation the sermon kept returning to.

For reflection

In what specific way have you been treating your own wellbeing and your spouse's as competing rather than connected? What would 'we are one' actually change about that situation?

Pray

Pray for a genuine change in how you see the boundary between yourself and your spouse — and for God to make oneness feel like grace rather than loss.

Day 6

The sermon's core argument was that submitting to one another in marriage is only possible when you have first submitted your life to Jesus. James 4 puts that same sequence on the page: submit to God, resist the devil, draw near to God and He will draw near to you. The order matters. You don't clean yourself up and then approach. You draw near in the mess, and the nearness itself is what produces change. For anyone sitting with a painful or broken marriage right now, the sermon's invitation wasn't to try harder or to renegotiate terms. It was to submit to Jesus first — to place yourself under His authority and His care — and to find that the capacity for covenant love grows from that place. That's not a formula. It's a relationship. And it applies whether your marriage is struggling or healthy, whether you're married or not yet. The posture of submission to God isn't a one-time decision; it's a daily direction. Some days it feels natural. Many days it doesn't. But James says the movement toward God is always met — He draws near to those who draw near to Him. That promise is for ordinary Tuesdays and for the hardest moments in a marriage alike.

For reflection

What does 'drawing near to God' actually look like in your daily life right now — not in theory, but in practice? Is there a step you've been meaning to take that you keep deferring?

Pray

Pray for the courage to take one real step toward God this week — in the Word, in community, or in an honest conversation — and trust that He will meet you there.

Day 7

A week ago, this passage may have felt like a set of instructions. Hopefully it feels more like an invitation now. The sermon's thesis, held up to the light all week, is really a single claim: God's design for marriage is good, and it works — not because it's easy, but because it's rooted in the same love that sent Jesus to the cross. Covenant love isn't a higher standard that leaves you exhausted. It's a different kind of love entirely — one that draws from a source outside yourself, that grows as you submit to the One who designed it, and that transforms both people in the process. The practical challenge the pastor issued is still on the table: have you identified where you've been treating your marriage like a contract? Have you asked what your spouse's deepest hopes and dreams actually are? Have you taken one step toward pursuing those? If you're not married, have you been doing the work of becoming the right kind of spouse before looking for one? These aren't questions to produce guilt. They're invitations to move. The God who designed marriage is the same God who gives grace to the humble, who draws near when you draw near, and who loved His church to the point of death. He is not asking you to figure this out alone. He's asking you to submit — and to find, in that submission, the kind of love that actually holds.

For reflection

Looking back over this week, what is the one thing God seems to be asking you to change, surrender, or pursue in how you love? What would it take to say yes to that this week?

Pray

Pray over the whole passage — your marriage or future marriage, your posture toward Jesus, and the one concrete step you've identified — and ask for the grace to take it.

Rewind AI contributed study material from the sermon transcript; church-authored wording and verified sermon quotes keep their own source. Always trust the sermon itself over anything here. How Rewind uses AI

Small-group discussion guide

For leading a group conversation about this message.

Open

Marriage is one of those topics everyone has strong feelings about — whether you're decades in, just starting out, or still waiting. This message draws a sharp line between two very different ways of doing marriage: contract and covenant.

Discussion questions

1
In James 4:1-3, James asks what causes quarrels and fights and traces them back to selfish desires and wrong motives. How does that diagnosis connect to what the sermon described as a 'contract' view of marriage?
2
The sermon described contractual love as a kind of false love — one that counts for nothing when expectations are met and breeds resentment when they aren't. What does that picture help us understand about why so many marriages feel stuck even when nothing dramatic has gone wrong?
3
Ephesians 5:21 calls us to 'submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.' The sermon tied that mutual submission directly to each person's relationship with Jesus first. What do you think it looks like in practice for that vertical relationship to shape how spouses relate to each other?
4
The sermon described marriage as a picture of Jesus and the church — where one party is unfaithful and self-focused, and the other loves sacrificially to the point of death. What does that image say about the kind of love covenantal marriage is actually asking of us?
5
The pastor challenged us to ask a simple but not-so-easy question: do we actually know our spouse's deepest hopes and dreams — and are we pursuing those rather than our own? What might get in the way of even knowing how to answer that question well?
6
The message spoke not just to married people but also to those in painful marriages and those not yet married. How does the idea of 'submitting to Jesus first' function as a starting point for all three of those situations?

Pray together

Ask God for the willingness to move from contract to covenant — in marriage, and in our surrender to Him

Rewind AI contributed study material from the sermon transcript; church-authored wording and verified sermon quotes keep their own source. Always trust the sermon itself over anything here. How Rewind uses AI

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You Asked For It

Week 1 · 4 messages

Where these passages are preached

Ephesians 5 James 4

Explore related topics

Jesus and the Church Marriage Covenant Selfless Love Submission in Marriage

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